On the last day of 2008...

I would like to thank God for this year, cause it has been, truly, one of the most amazing years of my life.
I saw and experienced so much beauty in every form of it - in places, in people, in music, in colours,in tastes, in aromas, in moments.
I discovered that I am capable of loving again. And suffering the pain of love.
I learned lessons about the world, about life, about love and myself.
I was up and down, I laughed loud and cried so hard as if my soul was torn apart.
I made stupid, painful mistakes.
I forgave people, and loved them, despite circumstances.
I hoped and I prayed. I may be got a step closer to the Divine self...
Thank you, God, for bringing all this my way.
In the new year,
I wish for good health for me and my closest people.
I wish to find the stregth in me to be a better person.
I wish to find the inspiration to create beauty around me and inspire smiles on people's faces.
I wish to always find a good word to say to warm a heart.
I wish to find the love for life and for people and the excitement of meeting every new day with a smile and new hope:)
Happy New Year to everyone!

weather

i am trying not to think about u.
but I imagine u sitting somewhere
where it is snowing outside
carefully avoiding any thought about me.
clinging to your real life.
i a doing the same...

we people get so clumsy when we break something...don't u agree...

I understand.
I do not blame.
I love too much to blame.
Love is my blessing and my curse.
most of all...I want to mend this.
I want to make the most of it...as much as the socially acceptable terms would allow.
As much as u let me.
Do not be scared. I will not be a storm.
Not in your life.
But do not ask me to be a breeze as well...

...desire...

closing my eyes...
my hips move with this rhythm
the music vibrates in me
in my body
in my soul
i am a belly dancer
my eyes burn your skin
and my moves leave bruises to your heart

...desire...

days

days go by
countdown has begun
they go too slow
small pieces of reality
remind me where i am
snapshots of a day
a colourful soup
eaten very slowly
the minutes on the cross trainer
5...10...15
tired of thinking
i sleep quite early
these days
and find consolation
in conversations
in God
and want to believe that miracles happen
at Christmas time...

making love

silently...noisily...quickly...in slow motion...in the dark...in broad daylight...on the floor...in the shower...under the stars...on the hot sand...on the dewy morning grass...late at night...instead of lunch...with our fingers...without our bodies...with the lips...tracing patterns...with our souls...beautifully...passionately...in our dreams...between two snacks...without words...with eyes closed...with our hearts open
we become one.
here.now.
everything else is irrelevant.

i want to tell you

that I want you to be the fragrance on my skin when I wake up in the morning.
that I want to be part of some small daily ritual of yours.
that I want to talk to you without stopping until we both get too tired and fall asleep.
that I want to share a hearty laugh with you.
that I want to make crepes for you.
and...so many other things I want to tell you...

Just a perfect day...

Woke at around 4 in the morning.
I could hear my soul wailing somewhere far. Metaphorically. In fact it was only the street dogs.
Suddenly I felt at peace and happy.
Woke up and decided not to wait for the others but head for Delhi straight away.
Dressed. My Bulgarian tee, the favourite green and white duparta,the hat that is not exactly mine. And the black coiled earring. Just one. As a statement...
Went to Landmark and bought a thing i love for a person I love. I love giving presents :)
Got on the bus to medical. Listening to Ostava. Started reading "Shantaram" and loved the style.
Peeped into the book of the girl sitting next to me. Maths.
I had to meet Ricardo and Pauline at Dilli Haat. Was wondering where to go, then the idea just sprang up in my mind. Of course we should go to Dilli Haat.
Waiting for them in the sunlight, jotting some names in my gift-list for home...trying not to forget someone and visualizing the meeting with these people.
Then, Ricardo and Pauline came, we strolled around Dilli Haat. Devouring the variety of colours and shapes. Scarves, wood, fabrics, leather, kites,jewelery, paper...a see of beautiful items that have caught the spirit of India. I thought of how much I will miss India when I go...
We had lunch at one of the restaurants. Huge portions we couldn't finish though I shared mine with a very fat cat and a skinny dog. Remembered how Neeraj told me how he loves the place.*Inner smile:) Remembered how I went there first with Andre and was fascinated. *Inner smile :)We moved to Sarojini market...the familiar crowd and mess, and the memories of waiting for Julie to do her last minute shopping. Pauline bargained furiously for a pair of earrings.We saw a belly-dancer costume. Remembered Pondy trip and the hilarious "dancing night" at the hotel. I really need to learn Indian dances, I made a point to myself.
Then, we headed to CP...said goodbye to the guys. Knowing I will meet them someday...somehow:)
Walked on the road where we walked together last Sunday. Remembered how beautifully confused and excited u were...Indulged in the pain of the memory. Thought about what Vesi said..."let yourself be sad". Strolled around, listening to Niyaz, thinking of the time we will spend with Vladi when I am back. Simply being happy of where I am.
Got into a Coffee Day, ordered a latte and opened Shantaram again. Observed people around as I love doing...Saw that the B8ulgarian lady - Mariana had called me.
She happened to be in CP as well...so can we meet for coffee?
Thought how much I love accidential meetings. They just make my day :)
Mariana was with her husband - the Austrian diplomat and the two kids - a 9-year old girl and 12-year old boy. Pleasant surprise that they greeted me in Bulgarian:)
Then - the excitement of speaking my mother tongue to someone I meet for the first time, but I know I connect to. Conversations about life and love and India and Delhi. Where will I live next? Cairo? Istanbul? Funny I never thought of Istanbul in this way :) Sharing pleasant moments and a sinful chocolate cake with this amazing family that has lived here and there...
I had to go back to Gurgaon...so I got into an autorick...The driver was nice. Tried to explain me where the cabs stop in Hindi. I believe I should learn a bit of Hindi. As a part of my endeavour of digging deeper into the great Indian soul:) Would be nice to talk to people just like that...
Then, I was quite anxious if I will manage to catch the right bus but luckily it came very quickly :) Sat down and had a random (but pleasant) conversation with an Indian boy. I like conversations with strangers in buses and trains :)
Just a perfect day...and the happiness of the moments is still lingering in me...

in the real world...

in the real world...
love exists only in fairy tales
in the stories of others
on bilboards and posters.

in the real world
happy people make happy families
and learn how to be happy.

unhappy people just move
with the wind
or fade out.

in the real world miracles
don't happen.

beauty is for sale
and love is a word
too much used.

No wonder then
why so many people
choose to go
to the other side...

My "late nite song" lately...

songs like that are such a beautiful
expression of the human soul
and people who write them are genius...



Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to You?

We always try to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put You through...

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for You

If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's Your eyes He's seeing through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I pray You learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in Your heart for two

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

revelation

the beauty
the innocence
the freedom
the universe
life itself
in her eyes.
she is untamed.
out of this world.
all soul.
she is special
beyond words.

it is so easy to
fall in love
with her.

yet the price
is too high
and few are
willing to pay it.


some things
are not for sale.

what does it take ...

to love even if u know it does you no good
to not be able to sleep at night thinking where u go wrong
to remain true to who u are
to face the fear of being alone
to give a piece of your heart to the ones you love and still have some left
to be good to people although they do not deserve it
to forgive their weaknesses
to believe in beauty
to smile when you do not feel like it
to talk to the fairies in your sleep
to be happy with who you are and grateful of the people that are in your life