I lost myself...in the summer rain

If you feel down...this song might help. At least it helps me:)

Summer Rain -U2
When you stop seeing beauty
You start growing old
The lines on your face
Are a map to your soul

When you stop taking chances
You'll stay where you sit
You won't live any longer
But it'll feel like it

I lost myself in the summer rain
I lost myself
I lost myself in the summer rain
In the summer rain

Tequila and Orange
Jamaica and rum
At the Moreilla
Honey on my tongue

In a small boat on a generous sea
You let me be your enemy
Tiny hand
With a grip on the world
Holding our breath now
Diving for pearls

I lost myself in the summer rain
I lost myself
I lost myself in the summer rain
Oh oh, oh oh

Just as you find me
Always I will be
A little bit too free
With myself

Just as you find me
Always I will be
A little bit too free
With myself

I lost myself in the summer rain
I lost myself
Now there's no one else
In the summer rain




Raining down
It's raining down
It rain

Raining now
Raining now

Just as you find me
Always I will be
A little bit too free
With myself

Just as you find me
Always I will be
A little bit too free
With myself

(Cha cha cha)
It's not why you're running
It's where you're going
It's not what you're dreaming
But what you're gonna do

It's not where you're born
It's where you belong
It's not how weak
But what will make you strong

Reality shows - social phenomena or ugly exposure of our "dark sides"

I am not a big fan of reality shows - simply I prefer to use my time for more interesting stuff.And besides, watching TV is not one of my favourite sports.
Yet, I caught myself that I am watching some of the episodes of Big Brother 3 with quite an interest.
Why is that I asked myself and I still do not have an answer...
First of all - the show is quite a social phenomena. The people that are there, seem to be a representative part of the social types, relevant to the Bulgarian society (at least my perception is so). So...I am a bit scared of what our society is right now...and very, very sad...
Let us sum up - there is one gay, one guy that is pretending to be a girl (and not very sure in his sexuality), several "pop-folk" girls (the things they are most proud of are their mobiles), triplets ( that are changing every night and pretending to be one and the same person in front of the others,ah...by the way - very popular in their hometown for being well-paid "prostitutes"), one old (compared to the others) lady that stands really strange there, one really dumb guy (from a small proincial town) that thinks he is really cool and trendy, one macho man, one "poor little girl" that has to dance in a striptease bar to earn her living. And a crazy Christian fanatic that is carrying around a copy of the Holy Bible in English ( Excuse me - is this making him look more intelligent or closer to God???)I surely miss someone, as I am not really acquainted with all of them.
Is Bulgaria really like that. Phu...I am even scared to think that my society is full with such overwhelming stupidity:(
Or, maybe, these people are not representative ( what a good way to comfort myself:P).Maybe they are really some of the freakiest people around. A pure metaphor of the ugliest sins inside us. Even if it is so ...doesn't feel much better to watch them.
Yesterday - Plamen - the religious fanatic ( who had decided to get out of BB house as he couldn't integrate with the others) was offered by BB 5000 levs (2500 Euro) to stay 15 more days ( evidently the producers are aware that he is the one that is really different from the whole bunch and the one who might create some saucy scandals, so he must be kept to keep the audince). Although Plamen demosntrated so far that he cannot stand the others and the whole concept of the show...he just sold his soul for 5000 levs. Greed won over his "Christian virtues". If there were such at all. He is also so vain ( in his decision to participate in BB, and in demonstrating his religiousness all the time) and a hypocrite...
It is interesting to see how people play...and how the masks fall in such reality shows...
But I am constantly asking myself - do we have the right to dig so deep in someone's inner world?And, although blogging is also a kind of "emotional exhibitionism" how miserable and vain and empty you should be to allow everyone to get into your emotional world???

Corporate brainwashing and AIESEC

Today I came to think of the following.
When AIESEC was created, it started with the simple enthusiasm of several people, who wanted (rather naively and idealistically) to change the world. It is good to have such people, yet nowadays it seems to me that they getting less and less...
Maybe AIESEC is one of the last places where you can find so many of them together.
I was thinking - we did change a lot as an organisation through the years.However - did we change into the right direction, did we manage to be flexible enough to deliver to society the "positive change" we promised.
True, a lot of corporate leaders may be influenced by AIESEC, yet isn't AIESEC influenced too much by corporations?
We, as an organisation are so proud of the people we are producing - yet - are they really changing something? Or we are just boasting ourseleves on being "the best, the most, the biggest"?
AIESEC is so simple, as all great things.Yet, during my years in the organisation I saw a tendency that is gaining more and more influence. Things have been complicated, strategies have been developed, difficult terms used, words ruled over actions.We have become the BIGGEST YOUTH-RUN BUSINESS NGO.
Yet, if we are produsing the people that the busenss needs - how NON-CORPORATE are we?
Isn't the whole idea of AIESEC experience and vision 2010 just a preparation for the big CORPORATE BRAINWASHING that we are preparing ourselves for?
Because - let us be honest - we are not staying in AIESEC and striving for excellence only to "save the world", but to make ourseleves better and easily sold to our PARTNERS.
When this thought dawned on me...I was shocked.
I am not against AIESEC Brainwashing,nor against brainwashing in general.
I was just shocked to realise the complexity of the world I am living in. And my inability to change something drastically.

Bachelor...at last :)

Well, today I finally did it.
Congrats to me - I am a bachelor in International tourism.After a year and a half delay:P
I had an exam where I had to present my graduation thesis "Project of a youth hostel in Veliko Turnovo" in front of all the professors in my faculty.
I was pretty scared as I have never taken my university studies too seriously and I thought I might be "caught in the act".Besides - who knows what professors can do when they are not in the mood.
Luckily for me I was number 17 out of 18 people, so the examinors were a bit tired and bored already - they were not so much into asking lots of questions.
Yesterday I was discussing with a friend if marks matter in this case and he said he is convinced that he must have an excellent mark, as this for him was somewhat of a battle, a victory.Well, for me in this case it was not a battle, as there were no rules and no honourable rivals. I really have lost my respect of my Univeristy as an institution and all my illusions were gone the very first semester:(So I just considered this final exam as some responsibility, something that i have to do, not even a challenge I have to overvcome. It was a game of patience and politeness, rather than honour and bravery.
If I have to be honest, the whole presentation was rather interesting, I listened to 16 projects, and most of them really had value in them. The most valuable part was the discussions that arose within the examination panel and among the public.They made me feel in a real academic environment and wish we had discussed more while i was actually studying at this university.
The really practical value of the whole exercise was that I put down my ideas of a youth hostel. Seems that it is going to connect the things that I feel dearest to my heart - art and communicating with people all over the world:)
My true desire is to see it functioning one day

I will miss her...

My dearest Mury, a friend from my first year as EB in LC Varna is going away.
I will miss her...And be happily surprised when I receive a postcard from a part of the world I have no idea of ...When she went to the ocean liner for the first time I received a message "I love u so much even in Sothhampton".Without a signiture. I was wondering who could love there...until she called and the mystery was solved. We are lauthing every time when we remember. Then, the postcards really came at the most unexpected time, when I was really overwhelmed with AIESEC work and problems. And they made my day.

Good to have such friends, that you know will be caring for you even after a lot of years, even if you are miles away. Still,it hurts so much sometimes when u see that they are unhappy or confused with their lives and u know that u do not have the right to interfere...to give advice, to make decisions instead of them.
As, I strongly believe, no matter how close you feel to a person, no matter how much you love and support each other, you are alone in your hardest times, the decisions you have to make that change your life you make them alone. That is the price of being a free man.

Time to relax and reflect in Varna

Since last Friday I am staying at a friend's place in Varna. This is a short break before I sign a contract which will allow me to go on vacation after...only 8 months...which means April 2007 the earliest:)
And I am starting to plan from now to go on ISP in Croatia in the summer:P
Yet, now , I am in Varna, before my final thesis on Friday and trying to enjoy myself...
Me and Mury (my friend) are having fun - just relaxing, walking on the beach, talking...She will leave to work on an ocean liner for 6 months. I am somehow worried about her, as she is so fragile.I know she will handle it, but on the other hand I must admit that I wouldn't stand to go through what she has gone - be away from my family and friends, have a hard job and noone to lean on.

Walking in Varna, strangely, brings me memories mostly of my times in AIESEC. Maybe it is not so abnormal - after all my years at university were mainly AIESEC years. But the strange thing is that I almost do not have memories, or at least I do not feel so much for my 4-year relationship. The streets I am walking, the places I go to...I hardly seem to connect them to times, spent with my boyfriend. Sofia, on the contrary burdens me with memories, connected with a very painful emotional experience.
Maybe that is why I feel so free here - no memories, no painful pictures, sounds and words.Only shadows of happy days, being satisfied with the love I had.
What made me change this?
Why did I run after a dream?
Or maybe, I am always running...
At least, I have the sea. It stays there. No matter where I may run...

Questions on love...

I am staying at a friend of mine in Varna.
She recently had to part with her boyfriend, whom she met while working on an ocean liner. And the boy really loves her. She made her a DVD, with the people at the ship, with his confessions.
I wish someone did this for me...
And I have some LOVE related questions:
Why is everyone so fuckin scared to love?
Why is love a synonim to having?
Do I need to concentrate my love in one person to be happy?
How do I learn to be happy without "having" someone?
I met my ex-boyfriend and it felt so cold.I am walking down the same street where I lived through so many challenges in the past years in Varna. Why do I feel melancholic about AIESEC then? I do not feel melancholic about my relationship...Have I taken it for granted?
Then...why do I feel so much for places, songs, food and drinks I shared with a person I never had a physical relationship?
Will something be changed after his lie?
What will I feel when I see him with the person he likes?Will I cry again?
And, why the hell I feel so free of my emotional burden here in Varna?
I will put them on my back again when I come home to Sofia, for sure...
If only I could...leave throw them into the sea.

My new office with a smile:)

The sign says "editor's office" in Bulgarian. I found it in one bar, where this is actually the entrance to the toilet:)

AIESEC and the difference

After two weeks of my real job I got to realize that I have lived in a dream while being in AIESEC.
True, I have held positions and took a great deal of responsibility.Still it felt like I was as if I was in one big family.I knew that whatever I did, even if I screwed up...they will forgive me.
Now it feels different.
I have to learn a lot of new things. I have to take the lead and search for the answers I need, as nobody seems aware of the fact that I am a bit lost. Here, AIESEC attitude helps a great deal. Asking, searching, being proactive...But if I was in AIESEC, I would have a person - alumni, or a teammember - helping me realise what is actually happening, leading me through my learning.It seems I have never realised that the words about mentoring,learning process and competency model are more than theoretical stuff. I just realise how important they are.
And the attitude. AIESEC is warm, like staying at the fireplace in a cold rainy day. Well, this is in most of the cases...We are trying to be business, but we are still holding on to our dreams that we can change the world. We are actually living these dreams, and therefore feeling like a huge family.
I remember that during my President term a lot of times I wished that people in the organisation worked as real professionals, made less mistakes, were more responsible. Well, now I miss the warmth of my family, in the real business world where everyone is so polite, smiling, yet rarely caring.