My thanx at the last day as MCP

Today is my last day as President of AIESEC in Bulgaria.
Tomorrow is the start of my new life.
There is something sad in it...5 years, I have lived in a rythmic cycle. I was not counting the months from January to December but from June to May. I knew when autumn was when it was recruitment time...And February was Elections time...
Now I do not have a cycle to stick to...And I am a bit scared.
I started my term quite awfully, finding on the first day that my competitor has hacked my e-mails and read everything, suspecting that I have made a huuuge plot to take the MCP position. I hope she understood after all what the truth was and sincerely wish her good luck in her new Lebanon MC role.
Anyways, this post was supposed to be a thank you for all the people that I met and worked with during these five years...wow it is going to be a huge one:) So I am starting...
Thank you, Karmen that u picked me up from the corridor of the University and took me to the AIESEC office for the first time.
Thank you, Vicky that u "motivated" me to become VPSN.
Thank you, Krasi for being the person who shared her realised dream with me - going on a internship.
Thank you, Yoni for having the 5 bitches team and going through it all to make us a team.
Thank you, EB team of LC Varna 2002/2003.
Thank you, Gery for showing me what leadership is.
Thank you, Mury for your love and friendship.
Thank you, Zayo, for your positive attitude towards things:P(hohoho)
Thank you, Vesi for the spiritual healing you always provide me in hard moments.
Thank you, Ico for being with me during all these hardships in the LC and standing my egoism.
Thank you, Vergi for being our coach and being so calm and nice and beautiful and special.
Thank you, Koce and Pafo for being the role-model MCPs for me.
Thank you, Pete for being so structured and teaching us what a professional attitude is.
Thank you, Toni, Mimmy, Stassy and Vili for being such extraordinary LCPs!I love you all so much.
Thank you, Ajda for your professionalism.
Thank you, Mimka (Plovdiv) - for your frinedship and support.
Thank you, Ira, Mitko, Viki, Lenny, Diddy and Gery for making your LCs a success.
Now, a really special thanks to the people that have helped me this year as MCP.
Megan - although I do not like the way you comment on things sometimes, you know that I owe you much. Thanks for being there.
Sevi - you are a REAL MAN...in a skirt:P I admire you and thank you for being next to me at the very beginning when we were swimming in...you know what:P:P:P
Iva - thanks for being so sweet, encouraging me and standing all the AIESEC stupid stuff around general assemblies...
Kalin - thanks for the nice lunches we have had and the positivity:)
Bore (sorry for forgetting you:() but you know that we are real MEN and we respect each other:) Txs for Wolfy, Cesaria and Cries and Wispers, and for your killing sence of humour:) For being a true friend and a real stylish and a bit snobbish man:)

And...my team:) The most important people of course.
Guys, i said it before, I will say it again - a HUGE THANX for helping me grow as a person this year.
Stassy - thanx for the passion, for the "shmatka" attitude and the support.
Dessy - thanx for putting me on a test, I went through it.
Mimmy - thanx for always thinking about the LCs.And for smiling so much that your eyes hide :P
Plami - thanx for being the person with the big heart, loving life and willing to give love to everyone.
Drago - thanx for always helping when I asked you and always keeping up the good mood.
Maggie - thanx for being what you are - my little sweet French lady. You always make my day:)
Emo - thanx for agreeng to be in my team. Thanx for showing me my mistakes.Thanx for being brave and honourable. Thanx for being structured and logical. Thanx for having the guts to run for a President.
...
Last...to the new team - guys I really believe in you, and I know that you will do great things.I wish you good luck and remember that you have to step back and jump...and I will be there to help you...In case you need it.
I love you all, dear AIESEC Family:)
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME BE A PART OF YOU:)
(and it is obvious I should stop here, as I start to cry...)

I'm gonna be fine...after all

We are again in Apart:mental.
Memories of the summer that passed.Everything seems to be ok...it doesn't even hurt any more...
It is just enjoying ourselves with kiwi fresh and chill-out music here -> http://apartmental.org

Strawberry day...

Yesterday I came back to my hometown...And of course - there was a surprise waiting - my Dad took us to pick-up strawberries in a nearby village - Ledenik.
I haven't been there for ages...But it didn't seem to change very much.
Only the huge walnut tree was gone.I felt sad. It was a good tree...had a shadow for us when it was really hot. Where do trees go when they are cut-off?
Then, the strawberries were a heaven and a hell at a time.Heavenly aroma and taste...and picking them was so hard...
Anyways...we finished in two hours...Well, couldn't pick them all and Dad was really frustrated that they will just get spoiled...Well it is a pity anyway, but who can eat tons of strawberries:P
Then, I went for a little walk down the way...And it was so amazingly beautiful and calm. Green and blue and grey. Rain was coming and it reminded me of Van Gogh's paintings...the one that is said to be painted shortly before his death...with the golden fields and the dark blue sky with crows...So apocallyptic...Drops of rain started falling down and I felt them so cool on my hot skin. I was thinking of you again...and wishing you were there...
It rained a bit, then stopped as abruptly as it started...and the sun came out.
It smelled like rain...A forgotten smell for a girl living in Sofia...

Being a nomad...

Today I was writing my graduation thesis ( finally got down to it!yupee). It is a business plan for creating a hostel in my hometown.
And reading all this stuff about backpacking, hippie-trails, hitch-hiking, cultural interaction, Asia ...I got so excited.
Some days ago I was talking to Stassy and she said she wants to travel two more years, not to get down to some serious job and "grow-up"...Well, then I didn't think about it...But now I am thinking.
I am feeling a nomad by heart:)
I want to explore, but not by visiting the custom, tourist-crowded places.I like observing people, have an eye for detail, like making pictures (some friends even say I have talent), easily make friends, love art and am getting more and more addicted to blogging...
These, according to my humble research, are some of the characteristics of a nomad...
Let's add that I am not dying to have TV or other facilities...hot water and clean sheets sound cool:)
Some things I have to develop - to take only really useful stuff with me (make-up and ten pairs of ear-rings are not very USEFUL) and not mind people snoring when sleeping with others in a room (actually I have developped this a lot, since I live in Studentski grad).I also have to get down to writing, as one friend said...it takes time to be good in writing:)
And buy a huge backpack and a sleeping back and all the other necessary gear of course. I wish I could also afford a bike :)
Well - sounds like a good career development plan!
I go around the world for a while (I have the feeling that my first step will start with the AIESEC traineeship:)) ...one-two years. Gather matereial, impressions, characters, sights and experience.
Then come back and have my own hostel!Wow:) And the best thing is that I am going to have fun all the time :)

Re-vamping my blog and other minor stuff...

Evrika:)
I found out how to put this clock and web-counter thing on my page:) Haha:)
I am so happy:P
Today I have intended to prepare documents for job applications but ended up only with two completed and chatting with a guy I haven't talked to for a loong while.
It was a nice conversation, discussing love, relationships, music,drugs, books, sex, personalities...I simply need to talk to someone...That is a disease I guess:) My mania:)
I was adviced to write down my thoughts, to share with the sheet of paper, if I do not have anyone to share with.
I am doing it, indeed:)
And I enjoy reading other people's thoughtsso much:)

HEAT

It is so damn HOT in the centre of Sofia.
I am afraid I might melt very soon...
I cannot breathe properly...the air is like hot steel in my throat. And it is getting worse with the cars around...
Well, some good reasons to stay in the office or home...Wish we had a little bit of air-conditioning...:)
Well, actually - it is good in some ways - as I have almost totally lost my appetite:) No eating - means no more putting on weight:) Well - I guess there should be some exercise as well.I dunno what happened with the great idea to do jogging...seems that everybody gave up because of the heat:(
I am dreaming constantly of moving in water, of the breeze in Varna...Ouch...how much I miss it...
Can't imagine what will happen when I find a job and have to wear clothes upon some "dress-code"...Ok, it is good that I am not a boy, anyway - no ties and no long-sleeved shirts.Hip-Hip, Hooray:)

Sweeties...hope they will survive the summer apart...

...and I met some old friends...

Lenka is going to the USA...so we went to say "Goodbye"...

AIESEC and my social environment...

Today i woka up with a very bad dream...I don't remember exactly what it was. But there was a great deal of fear.Fear that I am leaving my "cosy little AIESEC world".
And I stayed in bed and thought ...Parting with AIESEC means parting with my current social environment. The kind of environment I like and feel comfortable with - young, ambitious, bright, energetic people.
Will I be able to find another social environment that will suit me?How long it will take...I really fear that, cause Sofia is a place where you feel extremely bad if you do not have a social circle...
***
Yet i hope I will continue meeting some old friends at parties. Yesterday I went to Lenka's party and Krasi was there. I know him for 3 years now maybe. And always when I meet people like him - that are already out of AIESEC, I feel so santimental about the "old days" when we were young, burning with the AIESEC idea. Did we burn out...or just grew up?

Je ne regrette rien

Well...as my French is quite bad...Still - this song is saying what I feel now...Anyone interested in Bulgarian text - check here
***
Non, Rien De Rien, Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien
Ni Le Bien Qu`on M`a Fait, Ni Le Mal
Tout Ca M`est Bien Egal
Non, Rien De Rien, Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien
C`est Paye, Balaye, Oublie, Je Me Fous Du Passe


Avec Mes Souvenirs J`ai Allume Le Feu
Mes Shagrins, Mes Plaisirs,
Je N`ai Plus Besoin D`eux
Balaye Les Amours Avec Leurs Tremolos
Balaye Pour Toujours
Je Reparas A Zero


Non, Rien De Rien, Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien
Ni Le Bien Qu`on M`a Fait, Ni Le Mal
Tout Ca M`est Bien Egal
Non, Rien De Rien, Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien
Car Ma Vie, Car Me Joies
Aujourd`hui Ca Commence Avec Toi

HOMEless, JOBless, LOVEless, DIPLOMAless...but still not desperate...

Well...
Tough times :) Interesting times.
I have only 11 days till the end of my term.
I feel lost. I want to help, but I don't know how. Anyway - nobody seems to be asking for my help.
I was wondering, how can one loose his/her passion for AIESEC.How can one burn out...and stop caring so much.
Now I think I know!I still feel a great commitment and responsibility towards the organisation, yet..nobody seems to need me anymore.
Anyways...
I am home-less. Dunno where I will be living in two weeks:) Sofia, Varna...
I am job-less.I applied for several positions.Yes, I am not applying for everything. Still no answer.I am getting nervous...
I am love-less. When we met last time - I understood that you really need me, but you are so damn afraid of me...and this is so SAD.But I cannot cry anymore.I am sorry...
I am DIPLOMA-less.If I do not manage to take my diploma in June i will be dead. My mum will kill me for sure...
Well...in terms of money:)They are never enough...:)
However...I am trying to be POSITIVE:) And repeat myself - it is going to be alright:)
I am feeling excited...To plunge into the great unknown:) To have some steps back and see AIESEC from the outside...To start my new life.
It is going to be my third "new start" ...once in Varna...once in Sofia ...once in...the real world:)
Let's see what happens!

EU day or Victory day?

Yesterday was a double holiday...
For some, it was "EU day", for others it is "Victory day".
Bulgaria is an interesting case...as one of the organisers of the discussion I went to mentioned - you can see which day people are celebrating - if they aree young - it is the EU day, if they are from the older generation - the "Victory day".
In the morning, while going to the office I saw some old people, most probably some of them were veterans from World War II in an improvised parade toward the Red Army monument.
I was really struck by these people - some of them couldn't walk almost, but they were wearing their medals and signs of honour with such an air of pride. They knew they are heroes, and although they maybe berely have money to survive now, as they are old - they were celebrating their HEROISM!
They really made my day!
Later on, I was at a discussion on Bulgaria's joining the EU. It was rather interesting, though they have invited some sociologist, who has graduated Oxford and obviously didn't manage to say something sensible (he spoke for around 15 minutes and most of the audience left:().

I really regret that I didn't join the Cafe d'Europe initiative - it was held in Sofia, as well as in the major cities of EU member countries.The concept was to present the national "sweets" of all these countries and to discuss over a cup of coffee our common European culture. Pretty good idea indeed, having in mind that people really need to talk and reflect upon the changes happening in all social, political and economic life, to overcome the doubts and have some questions answered. Especially here in Bulgaria, where not much is invested by the government to bring Europe to the "ordinary people".
After all this postive EU stuff, there was one little thing that made me think...are we really, as mentality ready to join EU.
We went to one cafe...And there, the woman at the cash-point was really rude, complaining that I gave here a huge banknote and I am going to collect all her small change...Then the others working there started shouting at her, insulting her.
I felt I am not in an European cafe...And I sincerely hope things will change for the better:)

My last national conference with AIESEC Bulgaria

It is over.
My last National conference as an active member of AIESEC Bulgaria.
When I think of my first National conference...back in 2001...Gosh, what a complete difference.
Back then it was a joke, complete fun...now it is a lot more serious, we are older and wiser.
It has been a long, long journey, lot's of up-s and down-s, lot's of mistakes and lot's of learnings from these...Lot's of tears...lot's of crazy fits of laughter.
Lot's of new friends...Some of them "fake", a very little part of them "true".
But I am so happy I met these people, that I lived through all this, that I fell, then got myself together and continued, that i felt completely alone and deserted, then found the reason to fight.
I felt a bit sad ( I feel like a real hero - I almost managed not to cry at this final conference:) ) of the fact that noone from the new team came in front at closing plenary and said only two simple words - "Thank you".
I haven't worked for that "thank you", nor someone from the MC team, I belive has done so.
Yet, sometimes some small words can make a huge difference.
Maybe the new team doesn't understand.Maybe they will some day.
It was just so sad to finish this 5 year journey, probably the most passionate and meaningful years of my life so far - to be deserted, to feel "a stranger" in your own family...

My KARMA

Yesterday I had one of those fits of sadness.
My roomates were sleeping. I lay in the dark room, and, as if my soul was squeezed in a box, struggling to go out. I suffered so much that my body was shaking...
Maybe Vesi was right - physical illness comes from emotional suffering.
I can't believe how I could feel like that. To want to call you so much, but to know that I cannot do it, as you want to forget me.
Do u manage to do it...I don't. It is hard to forget a part of yourself.
Vesi is my guru. She always helps me to understand what I am feeling. She understands me, like nobody else here in Sofia...And I really need this.
She told me that if I know how I feel, the Fate will make a balance in my life. That was Karma. She said that you are also suffering, cause that was life balance. She told me not to be agressive but to approach with love and understanding. But how should I do it? Fear is pushing me to call you...Fear that I lost you, fear that you already forgot about me. But if I call u - that means "being agressive".
I should just wait. Maybe I will forget you. Maybe that must happen.
Maybe you will call me.
Maybe.
I am tired of maybe...I want to be SURE.