Dilli comes from heart

It has been almost a year since I left Delhi.
The city I fell in love with, but could not love properly. There was a distance between us.
Not only the physical distance of kilometers, but also a gap of not-belogingness.
Often I wonder if it would be a bit different if I did live in Delhi itself, not in Gurgaon. Or maybe if I was braver to venture beyond the well-trodden touristic parts of the city. Did I need a local guy as a guide? Could I get one without being entangled in a dramtic love-story? Questions remain.
I know I will be back.
In the meantime, I discovered this amazing photo blog - The Delhi Walla - I love it!
Mayank Austen Soofi tells me stories of places undicovered, of stories unheard, of characters unmet.
And of course, one more proof that the Law of Attraction works - I started reading a book, called Burnt Shadows by Kamila Shamzie. (A story of a Japanese girl that survives the nuclear bomb in Nagasaki, moves to Delhi at the time of the Independence and partitition.)
In the book, there is the separation of the Old Delhi (Mughal one) and the New Delhi (the British one).
Old Delhi is Dili, the city of heart. The lost home.
A part of my heart is also longing to come back to this secret, lost, out-of-time part of the city...As if, I had been there another time, in different circumstances.
You know the feeling, don't u?

love show

it's painless
letting your love show.

maybe, but not always.
how do i know if it is painless in this case?

those moments

sitting in the park today with a book, trying to catch the last bits of sun
listening to Summertime
thinking how fast the summer went
as always
yet not regretting it is gone!just enjoying the aftertaste of it.
the warmth of the light on my face and the love in Ella's voice
the smooth narration of the book and the people passing by
then, something happened
as if time and space expanded and the world shrank into me
and i could feel it contained within myself
Is this God?
I dunno...But it felt so right and natural :)
And yes...God bless talented people that inspire me lately.
Macy Gray for example...her cover of Creep just gives me the shivers!It is so beautiful. Sad, but the kind of aesthetical sadness.

lately I have been thinking

Sometimes love works better from a longer distance. Being too close for too long is not always a recipe for happiness.

free love

I read some interesting stuff in a magazine today.
When men cheat on their partners this has nothing to do with feelings. It is how they are programmed.
The female part of me wants to say "Yeah, right - good excuse as always"
The male part agrees - fair enough - we all need some change. Why not have some fun if it does not affect your priorities in your relationship.
Starting to understand more and more the concept of love a friend once shared
U can sleep with anyone you want, as long as you remain faithul to each other
Let's make it clear that this is freelove.

close the door

a heart is a room
a corridor leads there
a corridor with many doors
when your heart gets broken you close a door
sometimes more than one at a time
what does it take to get them open again?


Cheers to the Doors!


and our love becomes a funeral pyre!

erase &rewind

people
places
faces
why is it so hard to change a habit?
to let the vacuum enter your life and suck certain experiences in.
the obsession of writing the script of a never-ending book is on me...
I see the lines in my head while observing people.
she is crazy, talks a bit too much but it is just because she wants to make a important point. she is not boring, not at all. he is nice to talk to, though deadly confused of what he wants to do in life.she needs someone to be gentle to her - too much of playing the role of a matcho girl.he has the cutest smile and loves fun...but then what.she is afraid of growing old and being alone and she never stops talking about herself.he wants to reach out for her but God, she is too much and scares him...I mean who wouldn't be scared...
and this never ends...
erase. and rewind.

creating space

Sometimes a single line written by someone close can make you happier than thousand words.The simplicity and sincerity of it makes me love him so much!
Sometimes...you just need to make some space.
Clean and rearange the closet.
To let new experiences in.

from a hopeless romantic

Wondering why men need some reason to be romantic.
Maybe it is just how it is meant to be.

Someone has to have the guts and creativity to surprise me :)

Why do always the most beautiful souls find love so hard?

question asked - answer given


"Because they just LOVE in another way, like level up. They can sacrifice themselves but not Love principles. They call with the word Love only the Love itself and nothing else. They love because they do - not because they need to.
That is why."

i dunno if it is the wrong or the right answer
I just know that
you were my saviour when I had lost hope
now it is my turn to be yours
and that
what goes around really does come around

scary

Sometimes I feel so much Indian it scares me.

the foolstop.

Sitting with a friend at a wonderfully romantic patio cafeteria in the centre of Sofia i got the moral of the story uttered from her mouth.
"It is amazing how many lives are ruined just because some words are not said when they had to be said".
True. We stick to silence when words can mean a ground-shaking change in our lives. When we get the guts to use the words finally, they usually hang in to the air - deprived of their power, lost their charm and empty. Nothing more sad than words uttered not on time.
But then, she also said:
"Whatever could have happened is better to be left behind. Everything else is a melodrama".
And that two sentences made the end of the story. A perfecly round and neat foolstop from which a whole new world is drawn.

The sourse of dissatisfaction

When I was at school they used to tell us that Romantic poets were characterized by constant lack of satisfaction. Always searching, asking, craving. The battle has always been more important than the victory. The road- always more pleasurable than the destination.
Is there satisfaction for a soul that wants to live a thousand lives? To be at thousand places at a time? To experience thousand loves, pains, triumphs, disappointments?
Is it a sin to want it all?
And if so - what is the punishment?

I did it!

I did it.
I spat out the truth.
I made the confession.
I typed the painful words, thought over and over again during all these months.
I told you, what I did not allow myself to tell u for all that time.
As I expected - u had known it all the time.
I don't know if I feel lighter now...and I can only guess how you feel.
It is better not to know at this point.

How long does it take to get an Indian visa in Bulgaria?

Well, around 7 or 8 months, provided you have submitted the right set of documents. That, I learned, was the case of another Bulgarain, working now in Delhi.
But...I submitted the wrong set of documents and I can't understand how, at the time of submission I was told "Your application is against the law", yet they took my documents.
Since the 12th of Feb, I have tried every single option possible, got people involved in "my visa issue" at the highest possible level.
All they say is - you need to wait. So wait I did, days, months. Around 2 months and a half, to be precise.
No indication that anything is moving though.
Great strategy, I admit - you do not want to give a visa to someone, so you leave them waiting, until they give up.
This time has been tough. I wish u never to be in a situation when you don't know where you will be next week, but you cannot act to change anything, cause someone has told you to WAIT!
At the beginning it was very tough to grasp the idea that I am not coming back. Everyone knows how I love India as a second home. I had made plans, I wanted to go, to see, to experience. If you want to cheer up God, tell Him your plans ;)
Now, I am taking it as a sign. Maybe it is better that way. Maybe I need to come back to India at a different time and with a different purpose.
The future will show.
Now I live in the present...

concubine

Picture from here.

I am fascinated of the art of the concubine.
And a part of me is convinced that in some other lifetime I was probably one.

ignorance

Ignorance is bliss. The more u know about the world-the more choices you get. The more choices you get-the more doubts you have.
The more places you want to be
the more lives you want to lead
the more people you want to meet
the more "what if"-s.
Yes, ignorance is bliss.
For the ones that are blessed with it.

has the North wind gone weary...?

Today I saw half of "Chocolat" and almost the whole "Lost in translation".
It is good to watch movies again after you have lived through certain stuff. Helps u understand them better.
...
I am wondering, has the North wind grown weary?
A part of me really wants the answer to be "yes".
But another part is anxiously expecting when is it going to blow again...

resurrection

Some loves are not possible because of fear.
Some - because of space and time.
This one was linguistically and culturologically impossible.
Realizing this brought me closer to forgiveness.

Resurrection for the heart just before Easter.

love lost in translation

Do you think it matters for lovers to speak one and the same language?
People say that the language of love is universal.
Maybe.
But then...
How do you understand the words that I can say best in my mother tongue?
How would you read the poetry that I could write to you?
How could I understand the songs that you grew up with?
Words, are again, irrelevant.

i found this while cleaning my desktop

waiting

Whoever said patience is a virtue was an extremely wise man.
The whole weight of the saying I have learned to carry recently.
waiting...
with no deadlines ahead
no clarity
no commitments and no promises
just storng belief and hope that if it is meant to happen, it will
life will do the best for me.

still it feels
like jumping from the edge of a cliff with your back turned to the dark abyss below
I don't know how long the fall will last
and will I land up in the cold, refreshing embrace of water
the rough touch of a solid rock
or the tender caress of a cushion

"I soar across the dark void of “the past is gone; the future is not yet here.” I have come to believe that is the only place that real change happens."

This is the time to face myself.
Not the deadlines, but the lack of deadlines defines me now.

friday to thursday...i'm in love

when S. said that once back home, people will want to meet me, as I will bring them some light and love I did not believe.
she was actually right.
i watched a lovely Bulgarian movie today...the first positive Bulgarian movie I have seen in years
it made me feel happy that I am born at the Balkans, on this crossroad where people are complicated, troubled, but still...fighting through life in a beautiful way.
i am thinking...
happiness is loving life with all its bad and grey days
ups and downs
smiles and tears
fighting every day, every hour
searching for answers
believing that people are good
forgiving
living simple

happy V-day everyone...wish more people would celebrate love not only on 14th Feb, but also on the other 364 days of the year :)

half-baked

I started reading the "White Tiger" and one expression caught my eye - "half-baked cities for half-baked people".
It dawned on me why I felt so gloomy in the past few months.
I have been living in a "half-baked" city for a year. A place as hollow as the skelletons of the numerous concrete mamooths rising every night, shadowing thousands of lives. Full of thousands of half-baked people, whoose only purpose in life is life itself.
Hollow. That is the word a friend used describing another artificially created city. With no history. No spirit.
Sometimes the city I live in is, as the Red Hot Chilly Pepers sing "my only friend". Sometimes it is the best friend of all, because it will listen to your pains and offer you the consolation of its pulsating streets, the smile of its facades and the spirit of its people.
Not if it is half-baked. Not if it is hollow.
I pray that I will never have to live in a city like this for too long.

law of attraction

Thanks to Megan, I have started reading the "Law of attraction". I have never liked self-help type of books, yet this one is something quite different. If I cut the self-help part, the book actually helps you understand one of the laws of the Universe: Whatever your inner being desires, sooner or later comes into your existence.
That is why, I guess, people say "Careful what you wish for". If you do not understand the power of wishing, or you are not sure what you wish for...things happen to you and you continue wondering "why they happen like this".
It turns out that we need to teach our souls to wish, and thus create our realities. Sometimes, this is hard, as circumstances or people delude us into believing that we want something which actually we do not. Or, not being quite clear on what we wish for, we turn out to get something that is not quite what we wanted.
Certain recent happenings in my life have convinced me of the exsistence of the Law of attraction - both in small, daily things, as well as in bigger events.
Now I need to improve my wishing "skills"...and learn to be patient and trust.
That's the hardest part.

Conversation

- I do not want to stay in India. I can't. I am not really free there. How can I be happy if I cannot be myself...
- Then...why do you want to come back?
- To search for beauty, inspiration,love, wisdom...To learn.

Sometimes the paths we need to go are longer.
But they always lead us to where we should go.

Fire

Just finished watching Deepa Mehta's "Fire".
True, painful and beautiful movie.
There is one line that Radha says when parting with her husband...
There is no life without desire.

To what extent should we control our desires, if burying them means trying to lie to ourselves?
Is it better to live with a heavy heart or with a broken heart?
What is more important - desire or devotion?
Is desire justified by love?

I want to believe I have my answers to some of these questions...

The beauty of random conversations...

I have always had the habit of stricking conversations with strangers.In trains and buses, on the street or in cafes.
I don't know why it happens, maybe there is something in me that makes people feel comfortable with having a random talk.
And I find these random conversations really charming...Maybe because, when meeting people by chance, knowing that you might probably not meet them again, makes both you and them more honest. And the conversations are more real.
Talking with strangers is a wonderful way to get a glimpse of their world, of different aspects of life itself...
And it is so exciting to share the positive emotion of a good-hearted chat.
One of the small, daily pleasures of life I love:)

thank you for the music...:)

Moving in the black and yellow Ambassador around the evening streets of Delhi.
Saying 'goodbye' for a while...God knows how long the while will be.
I will miss the place. Although it is dirty and crowded with human bodies. With sorrows and struggles.
I have started loving it.
One year in India has gone by so quickly, yet it is so full of intense experiences that, when I turn back, I cannot see anything negative. I see faces of people that have grown dear to my heart and that I will always remember and mention in my silent prayers, even if I never see them again. I see lots of love given and recieved.Lots of valuable lessons learned...
Maybe this is the reason that I have the sun smiling in my eyes lately...

Life is unpredictable.
You never know...:)

under the stars

and she was there
under the stars...
untamed
free
happy
she danced wildly
looked at the stars
spoke a bit with some people
thought about the men she loves
and she tried to escape the sticky stares and fake compliments
she thought how much u look like your mother
and wished you could be there
but she will let things happen and trust life.
and continue re-tuning the vibration to get the right frequency.

before you jump

it is just the moment before you jump
when you are scared from the water
yet welcoming, expecting its cold embrace
you want to feel its powerful fingers grip your limbs
and the tender touch of a warm current caress your skin
it's the first time
the comeback
the plunge from one world to the other
the clash of civilizations
the life before that never equals the life after
places change
people change
you change
life is change
it is just the moment before you jump
the essence of existence on the tip of a moment
exciting
exhilirating
pulsating
everything poised on the line of balance
your whole being is expecting the jump
but you are not in a hurry
you are here
now
vibrating with the heartbeat of the Universe
with a heart full of sun rays
and hope shining in the curls of your hair
you know that you are not the best swimmer
but you trust the water
and you love the water
it will never let you down.

black...with a little bit of silver lining

today was black
woke up with the sound of pigeons making love in the AC box.
just as I did one month back.
Remember?
same but not quite so.
all day black thoughts were creeping in my mind.
terror attacks. war with pakistan.kashmir.gaza.gas crisis in bulgaria.
my heart was so heavy with only one single question.
where the hell is this world going...?
seems like i have woken up from a dream, to find myself in a nightmare.
and i recieved a very strange mail today from my yoga teacher
it said that we are entering a 20 day astrological period where some disturbing and negative events can be expected - like misunderstandings between people, confusion, problems...
what was recommended was
patience
self-reflection and evaluation of life
music
meditation
meetings with old friends
attention to details
well...that is exactly what I intend to do...hope it brings some silver lining...

On the first day of 2009...

My eyes are full of
blue skies
tired smiles
beautiful words
colourful people
intriguing book covers
My head is full of
questions
plans for the near future
doubts
memories of precious moments from the last year
thoughts about love and loved ones
quotes from "Shantaram"
My heart is full of
hope
desire
hunger to live
forgiveness
love
sorrow
happiness.
If I have to judge the year from the first day of it, 2009 is going to be an interesting one...

On the last day of 2008...

I would like to thank God for this year, cause it has been, truly, one of the most amazing years of my life.
I saw and experienced so much beauty in every form of it - in places, in people, in music, in colours,in tastes, in aromas, in moments.
I discovered that I am capable of loving again. And suffering the pain of love.
I learned lessons about the world, about life, about love and myself.
I was up and down, I laughed loud and cried so hard as if my soul was torn apart.
I made stupid, painful mistakes.
I forgave people, and loved them, despite circumstances.
I hoped and I prayed. I may be got a step closer to the Divine self...
Thank you, God, for bringing all this my way.
In the new year,
I wish for good health for me and my closest people.
I wish to find the stregth in me to be a better person.
I wish to find the inspiration to create beauty around me and inspire smiles on people's faces.
I wish to always find a good word to say to warm a heart.
I wish to find the love for life and for people and the excitement of meeting every new day with a smile and new hope:)
Happy New Year to everyone!

weather

i am trying not to think about u.
but I imagine u sitting somewhere
where it is snowing outside
carefully avoiding any thought about me.
clinging to your real life.
i a doing the same...

we people get so clumsy when we break something...don't u agree...

I understand.
I do not blame.
I love too much to blame.
Love is my blessing and my curse.
most of all...I want to mend this.
I want to make the most of it...as much as the socially acceptable terms would allow.
As much as u let me.
Do not be scared. I will not be a storm.
Not in your life.
But do not ask me to be a breeze as well...

days

days go by
countdown has begun
they go too slow
small pieces of reality
remind me where i am
snapshots of a day
a colourful soup
eaten very slowly
the minutes on the cross trainer
5...10...15
tired of thinking
i sleep quite early
these days
and find consolation
in conversations
in God
and want to believe that miracles happen
at Christmas time...

in the real world...

in the real world...
love exists only in fairy tales
in the stories of others
on bilboards and posters.

in the real world
happy people make happy families
and learn how to be happy.

unhappy people just move
with the wind
or fade out.

in the real world miracles
don't happen.

beauty is for sale
and love is a word
too much used.

No wonder then
why so many people
choose to go
to the other side...

revelation

the beauty
the innocence
the freedom
the universe
life itself
in her eyes.
she is untamed.
out of this world.
all soul.
she is special
beyond words.

it is so easy to
fall in love
with her.

yet the price
is too high
and few are
willing to pay it.


some things
are not for sale.

what does it take ...

to love even if u know it does you no good
to not be able to sleep at night thinking where u go wrong
to remain true to who u are
to face the fear of being alone
to give a piece of your heart to the ones you love and still have some left
to be good to people although they do not deserve it
to forgive their weaknesses
to believe in beauty
to smile when you do not feel like it
to talk to the fairies in your sleep
to be happy with who you are and grateful of the people that are in your life

Cooking

I cannot cook.
I used to bake cakes and cookies when I was at school.
Loved it:)
But somehow priorities changed, time became less, I moved out of home.
And never got into cooking...
However, India sort of sparkled my interest in the art of cooking.
Many reasons I guess. First being that Indians are such foodies. You can hardly resist getting into cooking when everyone around adores food and knows how to cook!
Besides, I am kind of tired eating in the same food-court every single day. A diet of chinese noodles-rice-mcDonalds-subway is not the best one can have.
I am experimenting now.
It is rather amusing...I just love mixing spices, putting unexpected ingredients into the dish.
Raisins. Honey. Pomegranade.
I guess in the beginning I will need a lot of guideance...But when I get better I will definitely put cookbooks aside.
Who needs them anyways?
It's an art. And all you need is inspiration, love and someone to share the end result with :)

Mumbai terror.Next is what?

After the terror attacks in Mumbai, Neeraj has writen a post that made me think where does India stand.What I realized frightened me a bit...
It is my own perspective of course. I have always said I love this country and I really hope the best for its people. As I love their zest for life, their spirituality and bright minds...
India as a one is a myth, a very fragile balance. I am still amazed how this country is kept together...Every state is different, people from north to south, form east to west do not like each other, hindus and muslims and sikhs are living in a state of constant tension, poor are as poor as can be and rich - as rich.
Still, as if by God's will, the country stays together.
In India, people do not obey rules. They are not disciplined. Still the country leaps ahead.
But how sustainable this progress can be? India is, undoubtedly, capable of being a global power. Ambition is also there. But can global leadership be achieved without a unity? How quickly can serious challenges as mass poverty and lack of basic education be dealt with? How do you reassure the world that India is a great place to invest in and to visit after what happened?
Indians value their freedom and take pride in being a democracy. But is the democracy the right way to achieve the ambitious goals India has set for itself? And where does the line go between being liberal and loosing the reins?

Goodnight...

sometimes at night when sleep is avoiding me
i start thinking
where you are
if you are alone
in bed
at a party
talking
loving
eating
sometimes i want to sit down and write
but i force my heart to sleep
then i am at peace
i often wonder r u what i think u are
or u are not real
and when is it going to end this time
and when is a good time to put it into words
is there a good time at all
goodnight now
i hope u sleep well

***

she is the one capable of loving
till reaching the painful edge
she would not settle down for small bits of u
she wants u all
to taste u
to devour u
to indulge in u
she wouldn't sleep, thinking about the things u could do together
she would send u those tiny signs that only u can read if u decide to tune into her frequency
she would observe your every move, analyize your every word, notice the small imperfections of your body
a birth mark here
a strange earlobe
she could make u very happy
she could make u cry
she could make u love her
u will hate her as well
she would go that extra mile for u
if u just let her
yet
she knows
it is not going to happen
cause u have your happiness outlined
and she loves u too much
to steer u away from it...

Happiness

I do not believe in happiness as a constanta...
Happiness is a fleeting sensation. You need a great skill to make it a state of mind.
Every day when I stop to think I realize how blessed I am to have what I have.
I realize that I have been to places for which people only dream about.
I am hanging aroud with a vibrant young crowd of amazing people from across the world.
Maybe I am a bit careless - not worrying too much about the future, not hurrying up the career ladder, not searching for the one to build a family with...not even sure what I want to do for a living.
Yet someone said - it is not important how you will feel in future, but how u feel now. Live for the moment!
The picture above is from the Indian ocean coast. Spent 3 days there with a bunch of very cool people.Some of them I might not meet again. But the happiness that I felt will linger on :)
When I turn back and explore these 9 last months in India...I see a string of such beads of happiness...And a circle of people, spread around the world that I know will always treasure and share this beads of happiness with me.
Thank you for being a part of my life!

I put my new shoes on...

The author in “Almost Single” said somewhere something like “Shoes are a blessing for women, cause no matter how many kilos u loose or gain they still fit you.:)”
I don't understand what it is about women and shoes.
I somehow do not seem to have that "fetish" for shoes that other girls do.
I am somehow unable to spend indecent amount of money just for a pair of beautiful shoes (which are in most cases very uncomfortable also)...
I do not have matching shoes for all my clothes.
And I usually break my shoes very very fast...
No, it is not that I do not like beautiful shoes.
I do!!!
My favourites are the ballet type and the very light strap sandals indeed.
But...I just am not crazy about shoes. Maybe every girl has a craziness of her own.
Mine is for accessories...
Or maybe I still haven’t found a Prince, Charming enough to buy me a pair of crystal slippers whenever I wish ;)
In any case - Paolo Nutini's "New Shoes" always gets me in the dancing-jumping-smiling mood :)As a pair of new shoes does, by the way...

That's me...8 months after

Well...it seems I have been in India forever...
Funny how a life changes from year to year.
One year back at this time I was headhunted.
Two years back I was just starting on my first "serious" job
Three years back I had just come back from IC in India (fate maybe...)
Next year - who knows...
Now is the time for decisions.
I hope my intuition leads me in the right direction again.
and as Alanis Morisette used to say in one song
"Thank you India" :)
Our journey has not yet finished, yet I know that it is one of the most amazing journeys in my life so far!

...stuck in a moment...

i am stuck in a moment
thinking bout my future
memories of places and people flashing by
Gosh!how many people I have met, talked to...
How many of them have stayed in my mind...and heart.
And it is a crossroad again.
Where do I go from here?

Love is noise...

I have been writing a lot about love in this blog lately...
I just don't understand why people take it so literally when u talk about love.
It spreads so much further than being in a relationship. Maybe the word has lost its meaning of so frequent usage...Every moment millions say "I love you" without even meaning it.But what does "Love" mean anyways?I do not know. Or rather...I only know one of its faces.
Here is a song for you:


Will those feet in modern times
Walk on soles that are made in China?
Feel the bright prosaic malls
In the corridors that go on and on and on

Are we blind - can we see?
We are one - incomplete
Are we blind - In the shade
Waiting for lightning - to be saved
Cause love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m singing again
Love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m singing again, again, again

Will those feet in modern times
Understand this world’s affliction
Recognise the righteous anger
Understand this world’s addiction

I was blind - couldn’t see
What was here in me
I was blind - insecure
I felt like the road was way too long, yeah
Cause love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m singing again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m singing again, again, again, again, again, again

Cause love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Come on, come on, ah come on, ah come on
Now come on, now come on, now come on
Now come on

Will those feet in modern times
Walk on soles made in China?
Will those feet in modern times
See the bright prosaic malls?
Will those feet in modern times
Forgive me all my sins
Love is noise
Come on

low

the sky was low today
i was waiting for a storm that never came
tired of the thick, tense air
almost feeling the solitude sticking to my skin
missing people
feeling distant
not a part of the puzzle
or part of a different puzzle
feeling that love is more evasive than ever
i so much need a God's sign these days
but i am probably too shortsighted to find it in little everyday things
but as it is said in one of my favourite songs
"it's a new dawn, it's a new day and i'm feeling good"
let's see what the new dawn brings :)

Hunger

Some dishes require more attention than others.
They need to be savoured slowly to get their real taste.
At first you would say they taste strange, even bitter...but in a a while , when the palate gets used to that...you sense a whole lot of flavours.
Sweet and sour and spicy and tingy...A hint of dark chocolate. Orange and black pepper. Something melting in your mouth...
Don't rush with these dishes. You could just spoil the taste...
If you are not ready to dedicate the time...just choose another item on the menu.

Natural drugs

On a Saturday morning, a list of 45 things that really make u happy...

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15 The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they LOVE you
19 Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Makiig new friends or spending time with old ones.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trip with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

My world

India is a country where you can rarely get privacy.
With so many people around you are always bound to have someone intruding your personal space (even if the person might not be doing it deliberately). In our place u-59 as we live like a big family - there is constantly someone in our room...
That makes me treasure my moments of solitude even more. I am a very social person, but I need this time spent in my own world.
To think, dream or create characters and plots in my mind.
There is something playfully childish to be able to isolate yourself from the outside world and just observe.
Today I got the chance to do it -I was listening to my music and describing my India experience, while observing the two friends of mine chatting.There were two different worlds...
Sometimes I really feel sorry for those, whose inner world is deserted or full of too many elements of reality and dqily prose. Must be very sad and boring sometimes...

...

Under the flourescent light in the small kitchen she was having her late dinner.
Leaning towards the wall, she gently held the small orange plastic bowl.
Slowly, as if conscious of being watched, she scooped some thick youghurt and carefully put the spoon in her mouth.
An almost invisible smile playing on her lips, she carefully cleaned the spoon with the tip of her tongue. Then ventured for another one.
The cornflake pieces delightfully crispy between the teeth. The raisins - thick and succulent.
She was wondering how would it feel to...

Just like that...

Darkness ocassionally broken by soft lightning.
Clouds with silver lining.
Gentle wind playing with my hair.
Making breathing (and probably living) possible.
I am listening to this.
Thinking...or feeling...
I am just like that...

asking nasty questions
building castles in the sky
being cruel and sarcastic
blaming myself
feeling too much


My curse is to be distant.
Detached, separated and ever-evasive.

loving beautiful things sometimes can hurt.
but can't pain be beautiful?


...I am so tired...
But a man has to do what a man has to do.

Good friends we had...good friends we've lost

A lot of friends are leaving these days. Closer friends, or just people that I like. People that have become a part of my life in a way.
Torill...Nata...Isabel...
soon Neeraj...Francois...Henk...Julie...Peter...Burcu...Jenny...
Our "home" in Gurgaon is constantly changing, and I am trying to keep a stiff upper lip, cause if I start to cry about everyone who is leaving, the monsoon will look like a drizzle.
So many people leaving made me think about all my friends I have around the world.
And brings back so many sweet memories, but also raises the question...
Will I be able to spend quality time with these people again? How much have we changed? Will I be able to call them friends?
It will never be the same again...
But why does it have to be the same?
You tought me one important lesson - live for the moment and cherish every single second you have spent with the people you love. Now this lesson is back to remind me I should learn to let go.
Neeraj said something really beautiful:"I want to be happy and to be sad, to enjoy every minute of the happiness and sadness, cause only then I will know I have lived"
We meet people for a reason...maybe this is the answer to a long-posted question.

Falling in love again...

I am falling in love...almost every day...
With peoples' smiles.
I love the smile of the Barista boy in the morning - makes the coffee taste even better:)
I love latin smiles - so big and full of happiness...as if life is...just a game:)
I love children smiles.
I love ordinary people, everyday smiles.
I love smiling eyes.
I love big grins and tiny, shy smiles.
And if you SMILE while reading this post, I will be more than happy :)
Seems happiness is not so hard to get...

A woman should...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming Inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

On doing good

Our last trip was to McLeaod Ganj, the birthplace of Dalai Lama.
We went to a strange charity concert for Tibetian olymics.
The lead singer (he was something between Santa and a rock-dinosaour) told us the following.
Some years ago, he met Dalai Lama for the first time and started compalining that things are not going well, it is hard to try and change things in the american societiy and so on...
Then the Dalai Lama said:
You find it hard to go ahead, as you are doing good deeds.That is why u meet so many obstacles. If you were doing bad deeds, it would have been much easier.

However you should not give up doing good. Cause...what goes around, comes around.

Indian racism

For the time I have been in India, I realized that people here are quite race-sensitive.
Being fair is a complete and total obsession for both men and women whereas dark people are not very popular...
Everywhere the ads of "fairness" creams are overflowing, even sunscreen is "with a special fairness formula".
In all the music videos, the girls dancing are so pale...
The rule is - the fairer u are, the more girls/guys you can get, respectively merry a good match, be successful in life and so on.
I really hate this!
Indian girls (and guys) are generally quite pretty and my mind refuses to accept that a lot of them just go home and apply tons of fairness cream on themselves. Blah!
Having a chocolate-colour skin is so nice...I don't like fair skin at all!There is sometihng unhealthy in it.
Of course, having fair skin guarantees me to be stared at and taken pictures of all the time. Thank God I am not blond and with blue eyes :)
End...a kind of a joke with this fairness-obsession.
There was this granny that went to see a newborn boy.
She adored him "Look how cute he is!And how fair"...and then added.
"To be sure that he will stay fair and not become dark-skinned with age...look at his balls. If they are white - he will stay fair"
Now,Indian guys reading that...do not rush to the toilet pls ;)

Happiness

Today was one of the happiest days of my life.
I received so much pure, unconditional love that I feel extremely elevated, and the world bursts out in amazing bright colours.
What happened?
We had a volunteer initiative in Alcatel-Lucent - we brought 70 children from the slums to an amusement/water park.
I was responsible for those two beauties - Monica and Radha:)
So we were chasing around, going on marry-go-rounds, climbing ropes and throwing balls at each other.
Then there was the pool. Splashing water, jumping in it, playing wildly...
I was the first among the adults to get inside. And when one of the guys said that he got inspired by me to jump and play with the kids...it sounded so nice.
I felt a bit sad that I could not answer when "my children" were excitedly pulling me and shouting something in Hindi.
But one thing i knew without having to use any language.
They were happy.
They loved me.
I loved back.
What more do I need to be happy?

India...4 months later

Well, here I am.
A little more than 4 months since my journey began.
It would be an understatement to say "I learned a lot".
Probably I will be able to understand how much I have learned after some time...
I also cannot say that I am able to understand India.This is a country so colourful and diverse, so full of contardictions and contrasts, that you cannot ever say you have figured it out.
My feelings for India are as contrast as that - there are things I love and things I hate, but for sure I feel strong for that country and for its future. I kind of feel it as a second home already:)
What happened in these 4 months...
I went to some places I have never imagined that I will go.
Udaipur, Jaipur, Rishikesh, Nainital, Agra, Kajiraho, McLeaod Ganj...
Done crazy things (like jumping into Ganges)and rafting.
Laughed a lot. Cried a bit.
Partied hard.
Met some amazing people.Made some friends maybe.
Got enchanted by people. Got dissapointed by people.
Made stupid mistakes. Forgave.
Learned a few Hindi words.
Almost got used to spicy food.
Been disturbed. Achieved peace of mind.
Got a few steps closer to happiness.
I have a tentative plan where I want to go. It might be changed overnight.
That's the beauty of it.
Now it is more important to live.
Cause it is, for sure, a pretty exciting life!

A touch of tenderness

In India I have met another fairy. She is subtle, tender, almost transperent.
Just as I would imagine a fairy to be.
Today she made me a miraculous massage. Just like that, without asking for anything, saying it is a pleasure for her.
I have never been a physical person (mening that I have always considered myself body-less and more spiritual, but the massage made me think of a communication on a different level.
What if your hands can speak? What if they are your universal language to getting to know someone? Could you understand people just by touching them?
I felt in another dimention.
It had nothing to do with the physical touch,it was the tenderness of a fairy tale.
Merci beaucoup, ma cherie :)

Questions of a troubled mind...

Why do people always have a double agenda?
Is it good to let go?
Should we believe in Love?
Not judge people for the means they use to get what they want?
How to live light heartedly?
Why can't you be like the others?
Will you follow your dream?
How long can you go?
What happens after...

Are you ALWAYS ON?

Recently Alcatel-Lucent launched an advertising campaign I just really love. It is built on our commitment to facilitate non-stop communication across the world.
The people in the campaign have various jobs – musicians, designers, architects, travel agents , but one thing is in common – they are all using innovative communications solutions to be ALWAYS ON.
The concept of being always on appeals to me very much. Indeed, before I came to India, I was so much ON-line that it was getting a bit scary. However, it is now more than ever that I realize what great difference modern communication tools like internet make to our lives.
Not being able to communicate with certain people as intensively as you are used to can be painful.
Not being able to blog regularly can be annoying.
Not being able to visit your favourite web-pages every day can put you in an information blackout.
Yet, however strong is my need to be always on…it is sometimes better to just grab a beer, sit under the stars and spend some time just talking to people…
What is your perception of being ALWAYS ON?

Life is about...

...simple things.
Long conversations over a huge cup of Mocca with a German girl that I didn't know a month ago (Thanks Kat:))
Hearty laughs over the stories of a Spanish guy I just met.
Driving back home on a bike.
Writing an e-mail to my friends on the balcony, with the wind blowing.
My new set of bangles.
The challenges at work.
Having spent 1500 Rs on books (Lonely planet guide on India and Love in the time of cholera).
The anticipation of reading Khaled Houseini's "A thousand splendid suns".
Not knowing what will happen to me in one year and still being sure I have so many oportunities.
Having seen Jodha Akbar - a naive 3-hour long love story, I didn't understand any conversation in, as it was all in Hindi.
Learning something new every day.
It is so simple and beautiful.
Then...why do we go and make it complicated.

Working for Alcatel-Lucent

It has already been two weeks that I have been a part of the Corporate communications team of Alcatel-Lucent in India. I still have not undertaken any major project, I am still learning, asking loads of questions...
The job is rather interesting and my "bosses" are for sure people I can learn a lot from, both from personal and professional perspective.
So far, I have been more involved in External communications, mainly dealing with some press-conference and interactions. It is rather interesting to be on exactly the opposite side - that of the PR/Communications people, that need to communicate a clear message to the public. And even if they do...journalists can still destort the story (aaah, how nasty I have been to some PRs, now I realise ;))
And, Alcatel-Lucent has quite a bunch of interesting stuff to communicate indeed.
For example - a new security technology, called Laptop guardian, that helps protect confidential company information from being stolen (in case you loose your laptop), or the Femtocell, which allows people to get a good wireless signal within buildings where they are a lot of people using the same network.
Yet, what people always focus on the "bad news" - loses, people leaving, stocks prices falling down, job-cuts...Phew...Yet, this is perfectly normal for a huge company to have these when merging...And it is totally up to the people how they deal with change, ain't it?

Question is - what percentage of the people really have ownership and are willing to "deal with", rather than just switch to another job.

Shift happens

Today I came across this video.
And I am asking myself - how often do we ask ourselves the question "Where we are heading globally?"
Most of the time we are occupied with our daily worries. We somehow happen to skip the "global agenda".
Yet, when sometimes I come to think about it I usually get so depressed. The world is getting more and more polluted, more aggressive, more overwhelmed with information, less humane. Of course, I am asking myself - what do I do in my daily life to prevent this. All the tiny everyday things - such as not using nylon bags for example. And trying to be a good person.
But is it enough for a real shift to happen?

Lazy Saturday

Today i had an extremely lazy day...
I need to write one text, but I just cannot make myself do that.
Here is a cartoon very appropriate for the case ;)
I dunno maybe - laziness is sometimes useful...
What do u think?

I was accused of not writing here ;)

Today Boris (oh my dearest beloved Boris that has the habit of interrupting just when I am trying to work) accused me of not updating this blog. So I thought "OK, might be high time I wrote something. I am too busy writing in the Bulgarian blog and twittering indeed ;)
So, wazzup :)
I had a veery serious dilemma if I should change my job - I was unexpectedly headhunted by another media. After two weeks of intense decision making, I decided to stay where I am and...yupee, search for an AIESEC traineeship. Anything connected with Media, PR and Communications is warmly welcomed!
The new collegue came, so I am finally moving to the Careers and Management section of the Paper. God Almighty - what a miracle :)Of course, the new boss already found me some work for the first weeks!
Anyway, before that, I will allow myself a one week vacation, going to Varna and then home. I dunno what a vacation it might be with French studies around the corner, but still, I will be away of the office, that's pretty good!
Then, I am seriously considering to join a course of the London school of PR and on finishing it, I might have found some nice traineeship :)
Looks like it is going to be an interesting autumn!

The Bulgarian medics are at last back to Bulgaria

The Bulgarian medics that were imprisoned for 8 years in a jail in Lybia and accused for intentionally injecting the AIDS virus to Lybian children, were finally brought back home.
Everyone is happy and relieved, BUT...
There are some lessons to be learned by the whole 8-year ordeal. If these lessons are not learned, then the Bulgarian politicians will totally loose the credits of the people.
Lesson 1: In such a complicated diplomatic situation it is better to act early, not to wait 7 years and then start trying to do something
Lesson 2: You should be very, very careful with your media exposure and the campaign around "saving the prisoners". Do not allow some shadowy business structures to prevail and earn money on the misfortune of these people!
Lesson 3: Being in EU truly can save lives.
Lesson 4: Let's hope all is agreed with the financial side of the "freedom". I personally won't be very happy to understand that Bulgaria has to pay a compensation to Lybia and this will be calculated in taxes.

Finally, I really feel sad for the medics. Their lives are ruined, and what I really hope is they are not used as "media - puppets" and then - when there is nothing sensational about them any more - thrown away.

The power of beauty

Not quite fitting into the "beauty standards" of the age, I have often wondered how it feels to be really beautiful and exercise the power of beauty upon others.
And I really do not mean being sexy and using sexual power, although my suspicion is that is one of the main driving forces of the contemporary world :)
I truly believe that seeing beauty makes people better and more honest.
Yet, as God has not given all of us physical beauty - we should learn how to show our inner one (yep, my strong conviction - even the ugliest has some inner beauty). Of course - that does not mean not to take care of our appearance ;)
One good step from quite an unexpected side are the ads of Dove.
In the world of cosmetics, where everyone is flawless, every product makes you perfect and age and wight are the biggest sins, these guys have created some very nice campaigns to show that "well, not everything what u see is what u get" and "beauty is skin-deep".
Enjoy the videos and keep the belief that beauty can be found even at unexpected places :)

DOVE Evolution video

Dove True Colours video

Dove Pro-Age Video

Big Google is watching you!

Today I read an article about the Google personalized pages (IGoogle) and I thought how transparent I actually am by being registered at so many places on the web.
Let me see...
I am using Gmail, Google reader, Blogger, Google of course...
Then - 4 (or something like that) more mails.
Another couple of blogs.
Several registrations for different websites (Postcrossing, Hi5, LinkedIn,YouTube, Flickr)
Oh, my! Feels a bit scary when I think that my personality is exposed to such an extent.
I do not even mean the things I write explicitly here. I mean the "secret" connections, the visits to different websites that show some kind of a consumer pattern.
When I first read about people getting more and more transparent with the usage of technology (it was something like 10 years ago, when I didn't even dream about having a PC)I was a bit sceptic...
Now I know that Big Google (and not only)is watching me!

Elections for Europarliament

Bulgaria will be represented in the European parliament by the Socialistic party, The party of the Sofia mayor (and media star) - Boyko Borisov, a Nationalist party (ATAKA, led by a crazy guy, who, in my opinion thinks he is Hitler re-born and the party of the Turkish minority, led by Ahmed Dogan.

The news is not very good for the image that Bulgaria is trying to create in the EU.
A party of a populist guy like Borisov (who supposedly has connections with the mafia)against the representative of ATAKA Slavi Binev (who also has strong relations with the mafia it seems) and the Turkish guys...

I frankly do not see these guys working together - they will rather be quarreling all the time and will not reunite to defend the Bulgarian interests in Brussels...
I am really disappointed, maybe I have to blame myself for not voting...
But every day I loose my hope in the future of this country.

Mafia and corruption.
That about sums it up!
And can u imagine - on one of the Bulgarian TV channels they invited the pop-folk singer Kamelia to comment the elections. Well, what the F***?

Happiness

I am feeling happy at the moment. Well, let's say - the closest to happiness that I have been for the last 2 years. Maybe I am just happy of what I am without blaming myself for anything.
Yes, I admit I have made mistakes.
I still do.
But I do not feel , as before, that my mistakes are among the main reasons for something screwing up.
I am happy with the change that is happening - I feel it is going to bring me more opportunities to express myself and to bring more added value to my work.
Yes, sometimes I really feel depressed when I think of all my friends - they are living in different cultures, living these cross-cultural experiences...and I am just ...staying here.
Well, whatever...

I just wanted to post two pictures of the youngest person I know.
His name is Svetoslav and he was born only 42 days ago.
Life is ahead of him and it is full of opportunities!
For me - as well.
From my humble experience - things always happen for a reason. If I have to pass through a stage - I'll just pass. If I am meant to change - I will change.
Accepting this means a lot less stress for me.

Thoughts at the end of the week :)

It has been a nice week:)
I had the usual dose of stress at work but I didn't care so much.
There were two Bulgarian holidays - the first of march (Baba Marta) when we all tie up the red&white strings (martenitzi) and make wishes. As far as I know there is a tradition like that in Serbia...Correct me if I am wrong, please.
Also, the 3rd of March is the Bulgarian liberation day.
So, I had the reason to be in a festive mood most of the week (especially the later part of it)...
Another good reason - the OSTAVA concert I went to on Friday eve. I accidentially met Katya - a very crazy girl...and the night ended at around 6.30:)Britpop and after that eating "shkembe chorba" (sorry, no translation to that, but anyway - you have to tast it - it is impossible to be explained) with lots of garlic - luckily I didn't eat that.
Some hours ago I watched The last King of Scotland - a deeply moving picture, telling the story of an African dictator in Uganda, killing more than 300 000 people while ruling the country.
Some things made me happy...
-> I watched Irka's pictures from IPM. I love them!!!
-> I tied martenitsi to almost all of my collegues :)
-> I learned that Adi is going on a traineeship. We'll have a party - yupeee:)
-> I saw one friend with his girl. She had that long blong hair...so sweet
-> I decided to apply for a faci of an AIESEC seminar
-> I learned that, even though at work my direct boss doesn't show much appreciation of my efforts, there are people that consider me valuable and would like to work with me if possible
And some things made me sad...
My Dad has serious heart problems.That scares me so much!
Some of my friends are so far away from me.I have no idea if they are all right, what is happening...
I still do not feel at peace with myself
But still - I am waiting to see what this week has got in store for me!
Have a great, sunny and smiling week everyone :)

I am NOT proud to be Bulgarian because...

...our politics are not acting as defendants of our rights abroad. Bulgarian nurses are convicted to death. 8 years nobody does nothing and hundreds of dollars are paid for lawyers without any success. Now...an initiative to save the nurses is started. It is called "You are not alone"..It is supposed to support the prisoners and their families and to express the public opinion with the hope that something might be changed and can be free. Yet, the whole campaign is getting too commercial.It is everywhere! You have the "you are not alone stickers", the "you are not alone" ribbons. Shops are putting the "you are not alone" sign, demonstrating a very populist maketing aproach. I even so "you are not alone" sugars packets and "you are not alone" salads:(
... a group of taxi drivers block the whole capital in an agressive protest, causing a terrible delay and losses for business. They have the right to protest - their collegue has been killed.Yet they do not have the right to be as arrogant as to ask some special privileges from the Parliement - like being able to drive without safety belts and getting more money per drive...
...a "businessman" (connected to the mafia) puts in his retail centre -TZUM an aquarium and there he places...a baby tiger to entertain the customers!!! After a serious protest the businessman decided to move the poor animal to the Plovdiv zoo.You might think that he finally understood how obnoxious and inhumane it is to keep an animal in a glass cage.No, you are not right. Yes, he is extremely stupid - he is serching for a black panther to replace the tiger!
These are free of the reasons that certainly don't make me feel very proud to be Bulgarian!!!

My Valentine's day present

...as I hate all the "marketing" and "artificial" ways people "celebrate" love on the 14th of February
...as I am sick of pink, hearts, sugar and teddy bears
...as noone will giv me a present for this day
...as I am quite doubtful about the existence of love
I decided to make myself this present.
Candles.
Simple.
Beautiful.
Burning.
Like hope and desire.

I refuse to admit...

You called me 5 times today.
I see an interesting relation - you call me very often you are away, and seldom when you are here, working in an office just a few streets away from mine.
I cannot understand if you are calling me because you want to hear my voice, or because you just need to talk to someone that will listen and understand?Or is this one and the same thing?
You told me you do not believe in love, as all we call "love" is just the need of someone else's physical presence.
I refuse to admit a relationship (be it between a woman and a man or between to men or two women) is only this.
It is not true. The fact that the person I loved so much says that love does not exist doens't mean it does not exisist, right?

I realized some days ago...

...that I am "latin" by heart. I do not know a single word in Spanish and I have never lived in a Spanish speaking country...
I just feel latin. It is because I am too emotional and sometimes I think I need to make things more dramatic, so I would feel that I am really living. As I am a heroine of a Latin-american soap opera...
And all this love for the latin music I can never explain...
I remember Sandra(Columbian, former MCP of AIESEC in Slovenia) at IPM - presenting me to her fellows from the SSGN network - "She is latina, just that she doesn't know a word in Spanish".
I guess she was so right. And I should definitely spend a certain time living in a Spanish speaking country...

Babel or...the lack of communication

On saturday night I watched Babel - a wonderful movie that made me cry (like 21 grams from the same amazing director did).
There were some very real , absurdly real situations in which the social and political restrictions didn't allow people to interact with each other.
It was so absurdly real - people walking around, pretending to be communicating and understanding each other. Even caring...But then, in crisis situations it showed that indeed everyone was living in their egoistic little world, everything was so false and superficial.
Often, it is really like that - maybe more than fifty percent of the people I meet I know -do not care much for me.Nor do I care for them, anyway. From a humane point of view - I am quite empathic though. The paradox exists - i may despise someone as a person, because he is lacking some qualities, but from the humane point of view - I might be empathic to this person because of the situation he is in, or simply because he lacks some good qualities...
I just cannot loose that side of me. Start hating people just because of their pdark side. I just like them by default and I guess it will take some time and lots of disappointments for me to start hating the human nature. Even then, I believe I will be able to forgive:)

Deadlines...

Do you keep your deadlines.
I think I know very few people who always manage to stick to them.
So - this is for all of us, who have sometimes missed a deadline (even if it is only for an hour or two) - if I have to paraphrase the famous saying - Life is what happens while we are struggling to meet deadlines.

I just wanted to remind you a few things bout life...

Lovely, isn't it?
And so true!
Enjoy the day:)

Bulgaria-trying to brand itself as a country - not very successful so far...

I have been to at least 10 discussions (including university, specialised tourism conferences, private conversations etc.) where the vague image of Bulgaria was commented.So I was really happy when I heard of a website, givving the opportunity to young people to show there image of Bulgaria, to change something if they do not like it.
I was really curious and inspired...Until I found this video. It has the ambition to show the country from a different angle, it is really funny indeed, yet I am not sure what I would think for that country if I was a foreigner...
For sure I will think "what a strange place"...and feel a pity for the people living there...
There are, of course, some "PR clips" of the country - like this one.
Yet...they seem to me a bit too artificial.
As are the Bulgarian EU accession videos - like this - I like the beginning,but at the end it really skrews up the whole thing...Why do I, as a Bulgarian, need someone to place a huge dot in the middle of Europe and tell me that "I am there" (that is what the words in the dot mean in Bulgarian).Will this make me feel "more" European.
I doubt it...especially when I can see such scenes in my country...
Doesn't it look a bit more Oriental to you :)

2006 reflections and 2007 resolutions

Well, a bit too late - but still :)
The traditional in these days post of "old year's reflections and new year's resolutions".
So, to keep it short and simple:)
My 2006 was rather good I guess
-> I went to IPM in the Netherlands and spend some of the greatest days of my life there. It was really hard after that to think of leaving AIESEC - so much amazing positive energy was flowing around. I was so inspired when I thought that I can help Emo in his MCP preparation, as I didn't have the chance to be present at the IPM with my predecessor. Unfortunately, good intentions are not always enough.
->I thought that it would be great to proceed with AIESEC but I was lost and I didn't know if I want to go on a traineeship or to hold a position again. Now I know it was not a mistake that I didn't choose to proceed with AIESEC. There is a line that you shouldn't cross. Like in love, maybe, in AIESEC u should stay while there is passion for that.
-> I still want to go on a traineeship and I am not giving up. It is just a short delay. I needed to see how is it to work in a "real company". And I had great luck in starting my internship in "Capital" , then being offered a job.
-> The best about the job is that I can meet lots of interesting people and get an insight into a whole and very dynamic market, then also learn how to write better (not that my childhood ambition is to become a writer but still - who knows :) )
- > In terms of personal life...well. Love - I think I managed to survive it somehow. It is still difficult, but I think I am recovering fast:) I met lots of interesting people and went to interesting places...Well not so much outside Bulgaria buuut I can save this for next year:)
So...let's see the 2007 resolutions:
-> I will recover emotionally :) I got the "love" fortune from the Christmas banitza ( I got a "baby" fortune but I am not going to be a mum:) )
-> I will travel a bit - visit Gery, Maggie and some other friends in Belgium in Mayр , then - Mimka in Krakow, and then maybe Croatia for the summer.
-> I will strive to improve my writing and get better in my job. I will most probably start searching for a traineeship :)
-> I have an ambition to get some decent level of French - I mean to be able to lead a general conversation,not to get a degree.
-> I will spare the resolutions like "i will eat less", "i will start excersizing". These must be made silently and just kept.I might consider writing more professionally :)
Well, This was meant to be short and simple. So I stop here.
One thing I hope to keep is - the friends I have, the connections from AIESEC. It is always so nice to come back to that:)

Lack of communication

I found out that I really hate the lack of communication at work.
It is not that I am interested very much in everyone's personal life, but still - I think it is good to know some basic stuff about people - so you can start some kind of "small talk" when necessary.
Well, seems it is not so important to other people.
For example - we do share birthdays and namedays, but other nice (or not so nice) stuff is not shared.
I just learned today that two of my collegues were pregnant (wouldn't hurt if they told us:) )
When one of my collegues left - it was not officially announced.
When another one was moved to another job-position within the company - nothing.
When three new people came - also - no official presentation in front of the others.
I guess it is the HR's responsibility to do these, yet people might also dare to take the lead.
They have nothing to loose in the situation:)

Business ideas for AIESECers

I found out a very nice business idea, especially suitable for AIESEC people.
It is not anything new, in fact I believe a lot of people are practicing it (maybe without knowing) :)
It is house swapping.
I go to your house while you stay in mine.
No one pays rents and everyone feels (or at least is supposed to feel) "at home".
Why is it so good for AIESECers:)
Well, we can utilise our network and with our understanding of cultural sensitivity - we can make it easier and more pleasant for people willing to swap their homes:)
What do you think?
Anyone enthusiastic?
You can read The Times article on the topic, below are some websites of companies working in the field.

When you loose faith in one of your dreams...

I had a dream.
It was called AIESEC Bulgaria.
I think I lost faith in it yestreday.
I had many hard times, went through lots of hardships, but I also had good times, great fun and great friends.The thing that hurt me the most was the ugly way politics was done by some people in the organisation.
Without any style, just ugly...
I was elected MCP, and the people that wanted to join the MC team just said - we have a different vision.Well, I guess it was harder for them to admit the truth - that they did not believe in me.That for them, it mattered to be a team of friends, not a team that anyone trusts in.
Then I found that our "leaders" had done not so beautiful stuff I couldn't classify as leadership...like hacking my e-mails. Like smiling in my face while stabbing me with a knife in the back.
Well, all forgiven and forgotten.These people will never change, and luckily...I will never change and become like them.
But what I lost yesterday was the belief that something can be changed in this organisation. The belief, that, after all, my efforts to change some mindsets were not in vain.
But mistakes were repeated.
And I just lost my faith and I decidet to close that page.
I am not blaming anyone. I know that the MC had very good intentions. The LCs as well I guess, the MCP and MC candidates too.
Yet - good intetntions are not enough to make mature choices obviously...
I wish you good luck, AIESEC Bulgaria.
You will surely need it in future.

Do I really want to live in Bulgaria?

It's been a long time since I last asked myself this question. I have always beleived that, no matter that I would like to travel around the world, the place I want to be is Bulgaria, as it is the place I was born, and where I feel "at home". It is not patriotic feeling, I cannot say that I am so proud of my country, of its people and its history...It is just the feeling that I belong here.
Yet, the week that passed made me reconsider some stuff...
The news of a baby-tiger, being locked down in one of the most expensive shopping centres in Sofia, "as an attraction" to the people made me really angry. The comments I read on the internet - even more so. If there is something I really, really hate - it is the lack of style and the the stupidity of people, that believe they are "someone VIP". This case reminded me once again the fact that my home country breed a special group of stupid, show-off people that consider themselves as "dictators of lifstyle". In some way they are funny, but it scares me to think that if the "VIP-s" are like that, if they are role-modelling...can u imagine what are the ordinary people supposed to be:( I do not want to live in a society that doesn't have even a very tiny idea of style.
Another thing that happened ( too good for some of the tabloids) - a wave of serious agression among and towards children poured from the headlines: A 9-year old kills a 4 -year old, Two babies found dead, A school-girl attacks her teacher during class.
Just a few of the stories.
Bulgarian society is getting more and more aggressive and I really don't like that.I do not want to live in a country where conflicts are resolved in such a way.
I do not want to live in a country where people are ready to kill you just because they think you are strange.
While we were travelling from Bansko this Tuesday, my collegue was complaining all the time from the country...I usually do not allow such complaints to influence me.
Yet...if I do not feel at home in my "home country" ...I might have to find another place to call home.
A choice I am praying I will not be forced to make.

Bansko - 8 years later...

Today I was on a one-day trip to Bansko, a small town in the picturesque outskirts of Pirin mountain. I had been there just once before 8 years when I went for the first (and only so far) time that I went hiking. So I didn't remember anything at all.
Still, my shock was complete when we were entering the town. Just imagine - a beautiful scenery, snow-capped mountains, vast valleys...and tall, ugly cranes, and buildings, and ...a whole huge construction sites.
It is so packed of buildings being built, that it seems you cannot find a single street to just have a small walk around. I do not know what there investors expect there, but in my oppinion, any tourist would feel a bit to "squeezed in" in Bansko. And what rental returns are we talking about, as they do not have the skiing infrastructure ready to meet the expectations of the tourists? They even have a problem with electricity...
Well, a lot of money is being put in golf-resorts (the new mania in the region, there seem to be at least two huge projects for golf courses).
Yet I am a bit too sceptical about it.
We'll see if the region will become a "Ski, Spa and Golf" paradise (there are thermal springs in the region). I strongly believe that, when someone pours so much money somwhere, they should know what they are doing.
However in this case, I am not quite sure...

Egoism - re-invented

I read something today about the difference between being happy and being satisfied.To be happy, it said, you need to know yourself.
And, I would add - being happy does not necessarily mean that all your desires are satisfied. It simply means that you are satisfied with who you are.
Speaking in this terms, I think I am getting back to my "being satisfied with who I am mood". I guess it is a process of overcoming my "empahy disease" that I have been having for a while.It made me think that if I cannot help someone be happier, the problem is with me. Not satisfying my need of giving love made me unhappy.
I am starting to re-invent egoism. Acho is maybe right in saying "If everyone was egoistic, the world would be a better place". I do not exactly agree.But, still - egoism is good a good thing if you need to recover from an emotional crash. Sometimes when you give too much, you need to get something back.
Surely, at this stage I would prefer to get it back from myself, not from someone else. I feel safer like that. And it is enjoyable to do it. To re-discover yourself and take pleasure in simple stuff. I have been too busy to think about other people lately.
Now I will take my time. To think of...
my mind and body
my dreams
my love
my inner world
and to enjoy the beauty of the autumn
the conversations
music
books
the smiles of the people around me.
:)
I will be closed for a while,forgive me...

Masochistic and easily bored -is that a problem?

These days were quite emotionally interesting again.
After you have declared the decision to become a Muslum and every text message had the name Allah at least three times in it.
At first I was scared that you will become a fanatic - you have to be living on the edge. Then, I thought - this might be the releif I was looking for - since you found faith somewhere, I shouldn't try to giving you mine:)
Now I feel quite free and enjoying my freedom. Read a book, called "Intimacy" by a Pakistani writer Hanif Kureishi.
How close is this guy to the things I feel and the person I am!
He is "supposed to be happy" with his wife and chikldren, at least the conventional happines should be there - but it is not. He wants to keep on searching, as the "conventional concept of happiness bores him". He wants to find something extraordinary, the love of his life...
Well, I am thinking - I am more or less the same. I get so easily bored by steady situations. I need to feel I am striving for something. I have to feel the pain, the regrets, to relive them:)
Funny, ain't it...
Will see how I can overcome that :)
(Boris will say here - listen to Mozart:):):))

Reality shows - social phenomena or ugly exposure of our "dark sides"

I am not a big fan of reality shows - simply I prefer to use my time for more interesting stuff.And besides, watching TV is not one of my favourite sports.
Yet, I caught myself that I am watching some of the episodes of Big Brother 3 with quite an interest.
Why is that I asked myself and I still do not have an answer...
First of all - the show is quite a social phenomena. The people that are there, seem to be a representative part of the social types, relevant to the Bulgarian society (at least my perception is so). So...I am a bit scared of what our society is right now...and very, very sad...
Let us sum up - there is one gay, one guy that is pretending to be a girl (and not very sure in his sexuality), several "pop-folk" girls (the things they are most proud of are their mobiles), triplets ( that are changing every night and pretending to be one and the same person in front of the others,ah...by the way - very popular in their hometown for being well-paid "prostitutes"), one old (compared to the others) lady that stands really strange there, one really dumb guy (from a small proincial town) that thinks he is really cool and trendy, one macho man, one "poor little girl" that has to dance in a striptease bar to earn her living. And a crazy Christian fanatic that is carrying around a copy of the Holy Bible in English ( Excuse me - is this making him look more intelligent or closer to God???)I surely miss someone, as I am not really acquainted with all of them.
Is Bulgaria really like that. Phu...I am even scared to think that my society is full with such overwhelming stupidity:(
Or, maybe, these people are not representative ( what a good way to comfort myself:P).Maybe they are really some of the freakiest people around. A pure metaphor of the ugliest sins inside us. Even if it is so ...doesn't feel much better to watch them.
Yesterday - Plamen - the religious fanatic ( who had decided to get out of BB house as he couldn't integrate with the others) was offered by BB 5000 levs (2500 Euro) to stay 15 more days ( evidently the producers are aware that he is the one that is really different from the whole bunch and the one who might create some saucy scandals, so he must be kept to keep the audince). Although Plamen demosntrated so far that he cannot stand the others and the whole concept of the show...he just sold his soul for 5000 levs. Greed won over his "Christian virtues". If there were such at all. He is also so vain ( in his decision to participate in BB, and in demonstrating his religiousness all the time) and a hypocrite...
It is interesting to see how people play...and how the masks fall in such reality shows...
But I am constantly asking myself - do we have the right to dig so deep in someone's inner world?And, although blogging is also a kind of "emotional exhibitionism" how miserable and vain and empty you should be to allow everyone to get into your emotional world???

I will miss her...

My dearest Mury, a friend from my first year as EB in LC Varna is going away.
I will miss her...And be happily surprised when I receive a postcard from a part of the world I have no idea of ...When she went to the ocean liner for the first time I received a message "I love u so much even in Sothhampton".Without a signiture. I was wondering who could love there...until she called and the mystery was solved. We are lauthing every time when we remember. Then, the postcards really came at the most unexpected time, when I was really overwhelmed with AIESEC work and problems. And they made my day.

Good to have such friends, that you know will be caring for you even after a lot of years, even if you are miles away. Still,it hurts so much sometimes when u see that they are unhappy or confused with their lives and u know that u do not have the right to interfere...to give advice, to make decisions instead of them.
As, I strongly believe, no matter how close you feel to a person, no matter how much you love and support each other, you are alone in your hardest times, the decisions you have to make that change your life you make them alone. That is the price of being a free man.

Time to relax and reflect in Varna

Since last Friday I am staying at a friend's place in Varna. This is a short break before I sign a contract which will allow me to go on vacation after...only 8 months...which means April 2007 the earliest:)
And I am starting to plan from now to go on ISP in Croatia in the summer:P
Yet, now , I am in Varna, before my final thesis on Friday and trying to enjoy myself...
Me and Mury (my friend) are having fun - just relaxing, walking on the beach, talking...She will leave to work on an ocean liner for 6 months. I am somehow worried about her, as she is so fragile.I know she will handle it, but on the other hand I must admit that I wouldn't stand to go through what she has gone - be away from my family and friends, have a hard job and noone to lean on.

Walking in Varna, strangely, brings me memories mostly of my times in AIESEC. Maybe it is not so abnormal - after all my years at university were mainly AIESEC years. But the strange thing is that I almost do not have memories, or at least I do not feel so much for my 4-year relationship. The streets I am walking, the places I go to...I hardly seem to connect them to times, spent with my boyfriend. Sofia, on the contrary burdens me with memories, connected with a very painful emotional experience.
Maybe that is why I feel so free here - no memories, no painful pictures, sounds and words.Only shadows of happy days, being satisfied with the love I had.
What made me change this?
Why did I run after a dream?
Or maybe, I am always running...
At least, I have the sea. It stays there. No matter where I may run...

Questions on love...

I am staying at a friend of mine in Varna.
She recently had to part with her boyfriend, whom she met while working on an ocean liner. And the boy really loves her. She made her a DVD, with the people at the ship, with his confessions.
I wish someone did this for me...
And I have some LOVE related questions:
Why is everyone so fuckin scared to love?
Why is love a synonim to having?
Do I need to concentrate my love in one person to be happy?
How do I learn to be happy without "having" someone?
I met my ex-boyfriend and it felt so cold.I am walking down the same street where I lived through so many challenges in the past years in Varna. Why do I feel melancholic about AIESEC then? I do not feel melancholic about my relationship...Have I taken it for granted?
Then...why do I feel so much for places, songs, food and drinks I shared with a person I never had a physical relationship?
Will something be changed after his lie?
What will I feel when I see him with the person he likes?Will I cry again?
And, why the hell I feel so free of my emotional burden here in Varna?
I will put them on my back again when I come home to Sofia, for sure...
If only I could...leave throw them into the sea.

AIESEC and the difference

After two weeks of my real job I got to realize that I have lived in a dream while being in AIESEC.
True, I have held positions and took a great deal of responsibility.Still it felt like I was as if I was in one big family.I knew that whatever I did, even if I screwed up...they will forgive me.
Now it feels different.
I have to learn a lot of new things. I have to take the lead and search for the answers I need, as nobody seems aware of the fact that I am a bit lost. Here, AIESEC attitude helps a great deal. Asking, searching, being proactive...But if I was in AIESEC, I would have a person - alumni, or a teammember - helping me realise what is actually happening, leading me through my learning.It seems I have never realised that the words about mentoring,learning process and competency model are more than theoretical stuff. I just realise how important they are.
And the attitude. AIESEC is warm, like staying at the fireplace in a cold rainy day. Well, this is in most of the cases...We are trying to be business, but we are still holding on to our dreams that we can change the world. We are actually living these dreams, and therefore feeling like a huge family.
I remember that during my President term a lot of times I wished that people in the organisation worked as real professionals, made less mistakes, were more responsible. Well, now I miss the warmth of my family, in the real business world where everyone is so polite, smiling, yet rarely caring.

Random thoughts...

Number 1:
Am I not a true emotional exhibitionist? Having two blogs, discussing my emotional state with my closest friends?Am I not the same as the person that I fear I might be?
Was I like that before I moved to Sofia?

Number 2:
I recently realised that I am closing in myself.When I am walking down the streets I put the music and just switch of the entire surrounding world. Isn't the music a way to close myself in my little world where the bad things from this one cannot reach me?

Number 3:
Yesterday I stayed at the office till 1.30 a.m. for the first time. It was disturbingly exciting. It will become a routine I guess, even a boring responsibility maybe...Still I am very worried not to become "grey" and loose my dreams. Everybody around seems so engulfed in their own life and so business - cold...I do not want to be like that!

Number 4:
Am I really expecting too much of people and of life? Am I really searching for some extraordinary feelings?Why cannot I be satisfied with what I have? Why cannot I stop searching? Will my life end on the track chasing a dream?

In between...

I am in between of my traineeship and my real job in "Capital".
Strange situation - and a hard one.
Everyone seems so eager to give me tasks ( well, this is to compensate the time I was just browsing the internet for days in a row i guess).
Well, I like it...
One text for the career section
one for the energy sector
one for the real estate sector.
Hope noone decides to give me something tomorrow!
Anyways - i guess i need to get used to it - nmews happen when they happen, so I have to be after them...
Nice job:)
Well - and it seems I need to stop searching for management faults here. It is hard to have been the boss and now to have a boss, to see the mistakes you have been told not to make - that he or she makes them:)
Funny. It still doesn't bother me much.I guess I should try to keep it like that, as ...if I am too frustrated from this - I will never have a long-term job:)
I guess I just have to be satisfied with what I am doing and not interfere with decision-making.
Gonna be hard for an AIESEC President:P

Hypocrisy and AIDS

Yesterday night I read a short story by Frederik Begbede about a medicine discovered to fight AIDS.
Anyway, it was part of his book "Stories under extasy" and was telling how he had sex with a huge number of girls in one day. It illustrated how much people are afraid of AIDS and what a relief they experienced when they found out there is a vaccine invented. To the extent of them being promiscuous...
Today I read that according to a research, a lot of Bulgarian medics are refusing to examine patients when they find out the people have AIDS.
This is really UGLY!!!
I cannot imagine that if you have given the Hipocrate's oath that you can find any excuse to not examine a person.
Ignorance - doctors do not know how to treat a patient with HIV or AIDS and make manipulations safely is the only explanation I can imagine.
Yet this is only explanation, not an excuse.
At least it shouldn't be an excuse in a country, that is in Europe, is civilized and is...open-minded.
I am so tired of people saying they "really care" and then - behaving like real cowards when it comes to facing the problem.