erase &rewind

people
places
faces
why is it so hard to change a habit?
to let the vacuum enter your life and suck certain experiences in.
the obsession of writing the script of a never-ending book is on me...
I see the lines in my head while observing people.
she is crazy, talks a bit too much but it is just because she wants to make a important point. she is not boring, not at all. he is nice to talk to, though deadly confused of what he wants to do in life.she needs someone to be gentle to her - too much of playing the role of a matcho girl.he has the cutest smile and loves fun...but then what.she is afraid of growing old and being alone and she never stops talking about herself.he wants to reach out for her but God, she is too much and scares him...I mean who wouldn't be scared...
and this never ends...
erase. and rewind.

The sourse of dissatisfaction

When I was at school they used to tell us that Romantic poets were characterized by constant lack of satisfaction. Always searching, asking, craving. The battle has always been more important than the victory. The road- always more pleasurable than the destination.
Is there satisfaction for a soul that wants to live a thousand lives? To be at thousand places at a time? To experience thousand loves, pains, triumphs, disappointments?
Is it a sin to want it all?
And if so - what is the punishment?

The beauty of random conversations...

I have always had the habit of stricking conversations with strangers.In trains and buses, on the street or in cafes.
I don't know why it happens, maybe there is something in me that makes people feel comfortable with having a random talk.
And I find these random conversations really charming...Maybe because, when meeting people by chance, knowing that you might probably not meet them again, makes both you and them more honest. And the conversations are more real.
Talking with strangers is a wonderful way to get a glimpse of their world, of different aspects of life itself...
And it is so exciting to share the positive emotion of a good-hearted chat.
One of the small, daily pleasures of life I love:)

Love lessons

Lesson number One: Love is the unity of two beings, in which they stand together, equal. Love, but never try to lead, modify or change. It is about accepting as it is or accepting it is not meant to be.

Lesson number Two: Love hurts. It is incredibly hard to let go and love with the pure, unconditional love that does not ask for anything in return. But if you manage to do it, you are one step closer to the Divine and to happiness.

Lesson number Three: Just when you think that you have lost your ability to love, there comes someone that you find worthy of your love.He/she comes to prove a point - do not ever loose your faith in love.

Lesson number Four: Sometimes love comes in the form of a collision. It comes to shake you out of your comfortable zone, makes you ask yourself lots of uncomfortable questions, makes you search for answers and change.

All of these are beautiful. Thank God for letting me learn them.

Lesson number Five: Let's see what it will be...

in the real world...

in the real world...
love exists only in fairy tales
in the stories of others
on bilboards and posters.

in the real world
happy people make happy families
and learn how to be happy.

unhappy people just move
with the wind
or fade out.

in the real world miracles
don't happen.

beauty is for sale
and love is a word
too much used.

No wonder then
why so many people
choose to go
to the other side...

what does it take ...

to love even if u know it does you no good
to not be able to sleep at night thinking where u go wrong
to remain true to who u are
to face the fear of being alone
to give a piece of your heart to the ones you love and still have some left
to be good to people although they do not deserve it
to forgive their weaknesses
to believe in beauty
to smile when you do not feel like it
to talk to the fairies in your sleep
to be happy with who you are and grateful of the people that are in your life

Mumbai terror.Next is what?

After the terror attacks in Mumbai, Neeraj has writen a post that made me think where does India stand.What I realized frightened me a bit...
It is my own perspective of course. I have always said I love this country and I really hope the best for its people. As I love their zest for life, their spirituality and bright minds...
India as a one is a myth, a very fragile balance. I am still amazed how this country is kept together...Every state is different, people from north to south, form east to west do not like each other, hindus and muslims and sikhs are living in a state of constant tension, poor are as poor as can be and rich - as rich.
Still, as if by God's will, the country stays together.
In India, people do not obey rules. They are not disciplined. Still the country leaps ahead.
But how sustainable this progress can be? India is, undoubtedly, capable of being a global power. Ambition is also there. But can global leadership be achieved without a unity? How quickly can serious challenges as mass poverty and lack of basic education be dealt with? How do you reassure the world that India is a great place to invest in and to visit after what happened?
Indians value their freedom and take pride in being a democracy. But is the democracy the right way to achieve the ambitious goals India has set for itself? And where does the line go between being liberal and loosing the reins?

My amazing life recently...

Ok...this is what happened to me in the last week...
On Saturday I was a model, ramp-walking in front of all Alcatel-Lucent in NCR employees and their families (around 2500 ppl). Being groomed, dressed up etc etc.
It was so much fun!:)
I had late conversations with what i believe is a God-sent ambassador. He saved me from ruining the happiness of someone that means a lot to me.Made me realize once again how hard it is to really love. And how far I can go for love...
Emo, my ex-team mate from the Bulgarian MC called in and we met and chatted for this and that. People we know and their lives around the world. Our own amazing lives...Feels good to meet someone that u have shared so much with in the past :)
I had a wild Friday night out with some colleagues. Almost went to extremes...I needed that!
Today I met Alcatel-Lucent global CEO - Ben Vervyaawen. Very energetic and charismatic man! Had breakfast with his wife who is so nice :)No star-attitude, very pleasant to talk to...
I also made a decision to move to Delhi. Try to shift my social circle a bit.
A friend of a friend from Bulgaria called. She is gonna live in Delhi for the next 4 years. And she seems quite a nice person. So exciting I am going to have someone that speaks my language here :)
All in all...pretty amazing :)
Now what is left - to get peace of mind...seems to hard at the current state of affairs. I am more and more learning how to use mind control over feelings...Let's see how long I will manage...

***

she is the one capable of loving
till reaching the painful edge
she would not settle down for small bits of u
she wants u all
to taste u
to devour u
to indulge in u
she wouldn't sleep, thinking about the things u could do together
she would send u those tiny signs that only u can read if u decide to tune into her frequency
she would observe your every move, analyize your every word, notice the small imperfections of your body
a birth mark here
a strange earlobe
she could make u very happy
she could make u cry
she could make u love her
u will hate her as well
she would go that extra mile for u
if u just let her
yet
she knows
it is not going to happen
cause u have your happiness outlined
and she loves u too much
to steer u away from it...

Happiness

I do not believe in happiness as a constanta...
Happiness is a fleeting sensation. You need a great skill to make it a state of mind.
Every day when I stop to think I realize how blessed I am to have what I have.
I realize that I have been to places for which people only dream about.
I am hanging aroud with a vibrant young crowd of amazing people from across the world.
Maybe I am a bit careless - not worrying too much about the future, not hurrying up the career ladder, not searching for the one to build a family with...not even sure what I want to do for a living.
Yet someone said - it is not important how you will feel in future, but how u feel now. Live for the moment!
The picture above is from the Indian ocean coast. Spent 3 days there with a bunch of very cool people.Some of them I might not meet again. But the happiness that I felt will linger on :)
When I turn back and explore these 9 last months in India...I see a string of such beads of happiness...And a circle of people, spread around the world that I know will always treasure and share this beads of happiness with me.
Thank you for being a part of my life!

I put my new shoes on...

The author in “Almost Single” said somewhere something like “Shoes are a blessing for women, cause no matter how many kilos u loose or gain they still fit you.:)”
I don't understand what it is about women and shoes.
I somehow do not seem to have that "fetish" for shoes that other girls do.
I am somehow unable to spend indecent amount of money just for a pair of beautiful shoes (which are in most cases very uncomfortable also)...
I do not have matching shoes for all my clothes.
And I usually break my shoes very very fast...
No, it is not that I do not like beautiful shoes.
I do!!!
My favourites are the ballet type and the very light strap sandals indeed.
But...I just am not crazy about shoes. Maybe every girl has a craziness of her own.
Mine is for accessories...
Or maybe I still haven’t found a Prince, Charming enough to buy me a pair of crystal slippers whenever I wish ;)
In any case - Paolo Nutini's "New Shoes" always gets me in the dancing-jumping-smiling mood :)As a pair of new shoes does, by the way...

That's me...8 months after

Well...it seems I have been in India forever...
Funny how a life changes from year to year.
One year back at this time I was headhunted.
Two years back I was just starting on my first "serious" job
Three years back I had just come back from IC in India (fate maybe...)
Next year - who knows...
Now is the time for decisions.
I hope my intuition leads me in the right direction again.
and as Alanis Morisette used to say in one song
"Thank you India" :)
Our journey has not yet finished, yet I know that it is one of the most amazing journeys in my life so far!

damn it!

I miss you so much. And can't even tell you how much I miss you.

laziest weekend ever...

Just spent the most amazingly lazy Sunday in my life so far.
Anca and me whent to Bisha's house for dinner yesterday...
Got totally high on wine (and a bit of Baileys).
Bulgarian rakia was the absolute hit, everyone taking shots (although i told them they should drink it slowly)...the alcohol in it being around 50 degree...it is easy to grasp that everyone was so happy and smiling and high in no time ;)
Then...after the alcoholic devastation, we woke up at around 1 and were about to leave...but then we had lunch...then chai and sweet conversations ranging from matrimonials to what are our plans for the near future and from Indian sweets to politics and Dracula (Anca is Romanian after all) and business plans.
Then, when I almost believed we are starting back for Gurgaon, we decided to have dinner...Ridz's cousin Suhil who is working in a hotel, made this amazing mutton with coconut juice...All in all this guy was pretty much spoiling us - making pancakes, tea, chicken soup :)
All in all - we did nothing but chill the whole day...
It was probably the first time that I have had such a lazy day...and I loved it :)

Happy Independence day!

Happy Independence Day to all Indians by passport and by heart :)

Hunger

Some dishes require more attention than others.
They need to be savoured slowly to get their real taste.
At first you would say they taste strange, even bitter...but in a a while , when the palate gets used to that...you sense a whole lot of flavours.
Sweet and sour and spicy and tingy...A hint of dark chocolate. Orange and black pepper. Something melting in your mouth...
Don't rush with these dishes. You could just spoil the taste...
If you are not ready to dedicate the time...just choose another item on the menu.

...

Under the flourescent light in the small kitchen she was having her late dinner.
Leaning towards the wall, she gently held the small orange plastic bowl.
Slowly, as if conscious of being watched, she scooped some thick youghurt and carefully put the spoon in her mouth.
An almost invisible smile playing on her lips, she carefully cleaned the spoon with the tip of her tongue. Then ventured for another one.
The cornflake pieces delightfully crispy between the teeth. The raisins - thick and succulent.
She was wondering how would it feel to...

Good friends we had...good friends we've lost

A lot of friends are leaving these days. Closer friends, or just people that I like. People that have become a part of my life in a way.
Torill...Nata...Isabel...
soon Neeraj...Francois...Henk...Julie...Peter...Burcu...Jenny...
Our "home" in Gurgaon is constantly changing, and I am trying to keep a stiff upper lip, cause if I start to cry about everyone who is leaving, the monsoon will look like a drizzle.
So many people leaving made me think about all my friends I have around the world.
And brings back so many sweet memories, but also raises the question...
Will I be able to spend quality time with these people again? How much have we changed? Will I be able to call them friends?
It will never be the same again...
But why does it have to be the same?
You tought me one important lesson - live for the moment and cherish every single second you have spent with the people you love. Now this lesson is back to remind me I should learn to let go.
Neeraj said something really beautiful:"I want to be happy and to be sad, to enjoy every minute of the happiness and sadness, cause only then I will know I have lived"
We meet people for a reason...maybe this is the answer to a long-posted question.

Tonight...

Too much sex yet too little erotica...
So sad :(

Falling in love again...

I am falling in love...almost every day...
With peoples' smiles.
I love the smile of the Barista boy in the morning - makes the coffee taste even better:)
I love latin smiles - so big and full of happiness...as if life is...just a game:)
I love children smiles.
I love ordinary people, everyday smiles.
I love smiling eyes.
I love big grins and tiny, shy smiles.
And if you SMILE while reading this post, I will be more than happy :)
Seems happiness is not so hard to get...

Rickshaw on demand :)

Some time ago Peter was joking that he will start a business with rickshaws-on-demand.
You just dial a number and a luxurious rickshaw comes at your door!:)
Now, it seems that this brilliant business plan is already being realized by some people...
I want to try it as soon as possible ;)

On doing good

Our last trip was to McLeaod Ganj, the birthplace of Dalai Lama.
We went to a strange charity concert for Tibetian olymics.
The lead singer (he was something between Santa and a rock-dinosaour) told us the following.
Some years ago, he met Dalai Lama for the first time and started compalining that things are not going well, it is hard to try and change things in the american societiy and so on...
Then the Dalai Lama said:
You find it hard to go ahead, as you are doing good deeds.That is why u meet so many obstacles. If you were doing bad deeds, it would have been much easier.

However you should not give up doing good. Cause...what goes around, comes around.

Indian racism

For the time I have been in India, I realized that people here are quite race-sensitive.
Being fair is a complete and total obsession for both men and women whereas dark people are not very popular...
Everywhere the ads of "fairness" creams are overflowing, even sunscreen is "with a special fairness formula".
In all the music videos, the girls dancing are so pale...
The rule is - the fairer u are, the more girls/guys you can get, respectively merry a good match, be successful in life and so on.
I really hate this!
Indian girls (and guys) are generally quite pretty and my mind refuses to accept that a lot of them just go home and apply tons of fairness cream on themselves. Blah!
Having a chocolate-colour skin is so nice...I don't like fair skin at all!There is sometihng unhealthy in it.
Of course, having fair skin guarantees me to be stared at and taken pictures of all the time. Thank God I am not blond and with blue eyes :)
End...a kind of a joke with this fairness-obsession.
There was this granny that went to see a newborn boy.
She adored him "Look how cute he is!And how fair"...and then added.
"To be sure that he will stay fair and not become dark-skinned with age...look at his balls. If they are white - he will stay fair"
Now,Indian guys reading that...do not rush to the toilet pls ;)

Happiness

Today was one of the happiest days of my life.
I received so much pure, unconditional love that I feel extremely elevated, and the world bursts out in amazing bright colours.
What happened?
We had a volunteer initiative in Alcatel-Lucent - we brought 70 children from the slums to an amusement/water park.
I was responsible for those two beauties - Monica and Radha:)
So we were chasing around, going on marry-go-rounds, climbing ropes and throwing balls at each other.
Then there was the pool. Splashing water, jumping in it, playing wildly...
I was the first among the adults to get inside. And when one of the guys said that he got inspired by me to jump and play with the kids...it sounded so nice.
I felt a bit sad that I could not answer when "my children" were excitedly pulling me and shouting something in Hindi.
But one thing i knew without having to use any language.
They were happy.
They loved me.
I loved back.
What more do I need to be happy?

Candy shop

He was so cute.
Like a kid in a candy shop.
Too many sweets, and no idea what to choose...

India...4 months later

Well, here I am.
A little more than 4 months since my journey began.
It would be an understatement to say "I learned a lot".
Probably I will be able to understand how much I have learned after some time...
I also cannot say that I am able to understand India.This is a country so colourful and diverse, so full of contardictions and contrasts, that you cannot ever say you have figured it out.
My feelings for India are as contrast as that - there are things I love and things I hate, but for sure I feel strong for that country and for its future. I kind of feel it as a second home already:)
What happened in these 4 months...
I went to some places I have never imagined that I will go.
Udaipur, Jaipur, Rishikesh, Nainital, Agra, Kajiraho, McLeaod Ganj...
Done crazy things (like jumping into Ganges)and rafting.
Laughed a lot. Cried a bit.
Partied hard.
Met some amazing people.Made some friends maybe.
Got enchanted by people. Got dissapointed by people.
Made stupid mistakes. Forgave.
Learned a few Hindi words.
Almost got used to spicy food.
Been disturbed. Achieved peace of mind.
Got a few steps closer to happiness.
I have a tentative plan where I want to go. It might be changed overnight.
That's the beauty of it.
Now it is more important to live.
Cause it is, for sure, a pretty exciting life!

A touch of tenderness

In India I have met another fairy. She is subtle, tender, almost transperent.
Just as I would imagine a fairy to be.
Today she made me a miraculous massage. Just like that, without asking for anything, saying it is a pleasure for her.
I have never been a physical person (mening that I have always considered myself body-less and more spiritual, but the massage made me think of a communication on a different level.
What if your hands can speak? What if they are your universal language to getting to know someone? Could you understand people just by touching them?
I felt in another dimention.
It had nothing to do with the physical touch,it was the tenderness of a fairy tale.
Merci beaucoup, ma cherie :)

Happy Holi :)

Yesterday we celebrated Holi or Festival of Colours.
It is a holiday all across North India that marks the beginning of spring and it is among the most colourful and amusing of all holidays in the country.
On Holi everyone here plays with the colours of the rainbow. Coloured powder is available for 10 rupees everywhere, so are water-guns that people fill with coloured water :)
To be prepared for the colourful war that was about to burst during the day, we put some old clothes and put some coconut oil on our bodies so the paint didn't stick ;) Unfortunately our landlord and his brother took us by surprise and ...you can see what we were like before we even left for the real party :)
The real party was in a farmhouse near Delhi...with a nice lawn and pool. We had drinks and food included in the entrance free and a DJ...so it was the party anyone could dream of. Of course it went mad at some point, after we had "bang" (lasie with marijuana) served. The pool was full of people dancing and the water had the incredible colour of...something indescribable :) (i don't dare to think what the chemical elements in the water were :) )
Well...I don't believe I am going to play with colours again...it is a bit too messy. Yet it was a life-time experience I would recommend to everyone :)

Life is about...

...simple things.
Long conversations over a huge cup of Mocca with a German girl that I didn't know a month ago (Thanks Kat:))
Hearty laughs over the stories of a Spanish guy I just met.
Driving back home on a bike.
Writing an e-mail to my friends on the balcony, with the wind blowing.
My new set of bangles.
The challenges at work.
Having spent 1500 Rs on books (Lonely planet guide on India and Love in the time of cholera).
The anticipation of reading Khaled Houseini's "A thousand splendid suns".
Not knowing what will happen to me in one year and still being sure I have so many oportunities.
Having seen Jodha Akbar - a naive 3-hour long love story, I didn't understand any conversation in, as it was all in Hindi.
Learning something new every day.
It is so simple and beautiful.
Then...why do we go and make it complicated.

India...the beginning

It has been I long time since I haven't updated this blog. The reason is one – no time for blogging, as I am in India already.
I arrived in Gurgaon (some 20 minutes by car from Delhi) early on Thursday morning. My first adventure was getting to my place, as there was noone to pick me up at the airport. It was a bit scary to travel in a taxi in the dark, deserted streets of a completely unknown town. But – all's well that ends well and I reached safely and was met by Andre (I felt a bit guilty on waking him up), my collegue that will be working for Alcatel-Lucent in Bangalore. Honestly, he is really precious – helped me a lot in my first days...Just now it is that I fully realise how important it is to help someone integrate when on a traineeship. And this is, undoubtedly done best by other trainees, who have experienced that before.
I already had some taste of Delhi nightlife, as Friday night we went to a very nice club – Urban Pind. AIESEC interns seem to hang out there a lot...and there is always a bunsch of colourful expatriates I was told.
During the weekend we explored Delhi and went to a craft-festival in a nearby city – Faridhabad. It was so awesome – colourful, crowded and beautiful. And it was really huge – we were going around the place for 4 hours!
I am slowly starting to arrange things for my stay here and getting into daily work routine. It is really interesting – i already attended some of the meeting in the Corporate communications department. I still need to do so much reading, but I guess I will handle it fast. And the people at work are really positive and friendly, which makes learning easier :)
Well, this is about the end of my update. Actually, a strange melancholic mood is overcoming me the last two days – maybe because I am starting to miss home. Yet, I will get over it – a huge adventure lies ahead :)

The official language of Brasil...

Well,I am ashamed to admit it, but I was thinking that the official language of Brasil is...Spanish.
And I made this terrible, stupid mistake, asking Gabritu (my Brasilian collegue at Alcatel-Lucent) to help me learn Spanish...
Actually he explained that the official language in Brasil is Portugese (blush).
Then a funny thing happened.
We went to a bar, I was explaining to some friends about that confusion, when a guy asked me: "Excuse me, do u speak Portugese". Obviously he was Portugese himself and had overheard our conversation. I told him (in English of course)what we were talking about and he smiled at my confusion.
That's a little lesson on cultural sensitivity. Now I know for sure what the official language in Brasil is