Dilli comes from heart

It has been almost a year since I left Delhi.
The city I fell in love with, but could not love properly. There was a distance between us.
Not only the physical distance of kilometers, but also a gap of not-belogingness.
Often I wonder if it would be a bit different if I did live in Delhi itself, not in Gurgaon. Or maybe if I was braver to venture beyond the well-trodden touristic parts of the city. Did I need a local guy as a guide? Could I get one without being entangled in a dramtic love-story? Questions remain.
I know I will be back.
In the meantime, I discovered this amazing photo blog - The Delhi Walla - I love it!
Mayank Austen Soofi tells me stories of places undicovered, of stories unheard, of characters unmet.
And of course, one more proof that the Law of Attraction works - I started reading a book, called Burnt Shadows by Kamila Shamzie. (A story of a Japanese girl that survives the nuclear bomb in Nagasaki, moves to Delhi at the time of the Independence and partitition.)
In the book, there is the separation of the Old Delhi (Mughal one) and the New Delhi (the British one).
Old Delhi is Dili, the city of heart. The lost home.
A part of my heart is also longing to come back to this secret, lost, out-of-time part of the city...As if, I had been there another time, in different circumstances.
You know the feeling, don't u?

do you know how it feels to love you?

do you know how it feels to love you?
brilliant.

those moments

sitting in the park today with a book, trying to catch the last bits of sun
listening to Summertime
thinking how fast the summer went
as always
yet not regretting it is gone!just enjoying the aftertaste of it.
the warmth of the light on my face and the love in Ella's voice
the smooth narration of the book and the people passing by
then, something happened
as if time and space expanded and the world shrank into me
and i could feel it contained within myself
Is this God?
I dunno...But it felt so right and natural :)
And yes...God bless talented people that inspire me lately.
Macy Gray for example...her cover of Creep just gives me the shivers!It is so beautiful. Sad, but the kind of aesthetical sadness.

Isn't it Ironic...

Alanis Morisette has that Lyrics in "Ironic" :
"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face"

This week I had a proof of that.
I was all in that happy positive blue-sky-no-clouds mood, loving everyone and being generally happy. When I recieved some not-really good news - that I need to give money. A sum I cannot afford at the moment. So suddenly - everything came crushing down, clouds start gathering, i become gloomy and worried etc. It is really amazing how worrying - in most cases - unnecessarily about some things can really change our whole perception of life. It is so human to concentrate on some daily hiccups that we meet on our path...and so stupid really, cause in most of the cases - solution can be found...
Anyways...as I was walking in the centre of Sofia, all looking down and engulfed in my own black thoughs, suddenly a girl stops me at the traffic light.
"Hi Sve", she says.
I look at her - What the...I don't know who she is!
She sees my bewliderment.
"Yeah, we do not know each other", confirms the girl. "But I read your blog and I find it nice".
Do you believe me this very moment made my day?
Like, just when I thought that - whenever u are down - something really nice shows up as if to say "Hey, life is beautiful...don't forget it".
And...it is in general.
I flew paper-lanterns for the first time.
The event that I was organizing went well, people were happy :)Me - even happier. There was so much positive energy around it.
I spoke to Anca and Stef - closest friends and colleagues from India. And for a thousandth time thanked God I did not return there at that time.
And today - we spent some quality time lazying around, cooking, drinking wine and purring in the sun with the girls from work.
It is really a blessing to have such amazing people around me.

unexpected

"Can you stay a minute so I can watch you for a while?"
Made my day.

Thank you, Father :)

A sunrise, a shooting star, a rainbow and a sunset...
How much beauty can be in just a few hours?
How much love does someone deserve to be given?
How much pain can one cause in a lifetime, unintentionally?
How much strength do you need to forgive?
How much happiness can a heart hold?
Time is relative.
Love is absolute.
Thank you Father, for knowing again what is best for me!

free love

I read some interesting stuff in a magazine today.
When men cheat on their partners this has nothing to do with feelings. It is how they are programmed.
The female part of me wants to say "Yeah, right - good excuse as always"
The male part agrees - fair enough - we all need some change. Why not have some fun if it does not affect your priorities in your relationship.
Starting to understand more and more the concept of love a friend once shared
U can sleep with anyone you want, as long as you remain faithul to each other
Let's make it clear that this is freelove.

summer

Summer has come and with it - the need to listen to "light" music that makes my head airy :) I catch muself more and more often just giving into the music and not thinking of anything else at all (which happens very rarely to me. It is so nice...
Something mysrerious is happening - last week wherever I entered, I was chased by the Jai Ho! song from Slumdog Millionaire. Seems even after I let go of India, it is still after me :) (There is something utterly conforting in accepting that something is a part of you beyond a lifetime)
***
Anyways...
I am starting a new job, back in Sofia.Challenging and meaningful :)
Excited about some projects of my own I want to launch.
Lots of books to read, some tentative travel plans. (Would love to check out Serbia, Romania and Istanbul and why not Greece in the nearest future :))
In any case - this summer promises to be at least as exciting as the last two ones ;)
And I will plunge in it!

How long does it take to get an Indian visa in Bulgaria?

Well, around 7 or 8 months, provided you have submitted the right set of documents. That, I learned, was the case of another Bulgarain, working now in Delhi.
But...I submitted the wrong set of documents and I can't understand how, at the time of submission I was told "Your application is against the law", yet they took my documents.
Since the 12th of Feb, I have tried every single option possible, got people involved in "my visa issue" at the highest possible level.
All they say is - you need to wait. So wait I did, days, months. Around 2 months and a half, to be precise.
No indication that anything is moving though.
Great strategy, I admit - you do not want to give a visa to someone, so you leave them waiting, until they give up.
This time has been tough. I wish u never to be in a situation when you don't know where you will be next week, but you cannot act to change anything, cause someone has told you to WAIT!
At the beginning it was very tough to grasp the idea that I am not coming back. Everyone knows how I love India as a second home. I had made plans, I wanted to go, to see, to experience. If you want to cheer up God, tell Him your plans ;)
Now, I am taking it as a sign. Maybe it is better that way. Maybe I need to come back to India at a different time and with a different purpose.
The future will show.
Now I live in the present...

has the North wind gone weary...?

Today I saw half of "Chocolat" and almost the whole "Lost in translation".
It is good to watch movies again after you have lived through certain stuff. Helps u understand them better.
...
I am wondering, has the North wind grown weary?
A part of me really wants the answer to be "yes".
But another part is anxiously expecting when is it going to blow again...

protection.

needs no comment.
some songs just say it all.

resurrection

Some loves are not possible because of fear.
Some - because of space and time.
This one was linguistically and culturologically impossible.
Realizing this brought me closer to forgiveness.

Resurrection for the heart just before Easter.

inspiring

from here

today was a good day for science...

...as Dexter would say :)
I was totally freaked out two days back when a doctor told me that I might "have to undergo surgery". Thank God,it was a false alarm...:)
Yes, I am healthy and I will not let any doctor claim the opposite! These people feel as if obliged to tell ya there is something wrong with your health. As if, you will feel bad, if they don't find anything wrong...
Also, I might be reaching the end of my so-very-long-visa-waiting process. Hope it happens soon and I manage to go back to India in 10days :)
Yupee!
I have been incredibly calm end relaxed these days. Maybe it is the spring :)
And...another proof was given of the "Law of attraction". Twin-souls always "feel" each other, no matter where they are.
As a body everyone is single, as a soul never.

sufi love haiku

1.
Here I mourn and fast
Yet behind the veil my love
Waits for me, naked.

2.
Possessing you,
I Shall not be me but you -
Who will then be I?

3.
Closer than each breath,
For you I look everywhere:
Where are you hiding?

I am fascinated by Sufism. And these beautiful verses of Rumi.

letters

I miss writing and reading letters on paper...
Anyone interested to be my pen-pal :)?

the dark knight and the light one

two knights live in her heart
the dark one brings tears in her eyes every time
makes her wake up at night and fear
the light one makes her smile
love life and live, after all and above all
who is the one to win over her heart?
and what happens to the defeated one?

spring coolage

spring is coming and inspiration tags along...
here is a coolage I made today

a leather bound journal
a nice light and healthy breakfast
funny patchwork rabbit-like doll
colourful cushions
warm, Maroccan style interior
and this fragile-looking NY girl,that is cuddling in her coat against the last winter-chills of March

waiting

Whoever said patience is a virtue was an extremely wise man.
The whole weight of the saying I have learned to carry recently.
waiting...
with no deadlines ahead
no clarity
no commitments and no promises
just storng belief and hope that if it is meant to happen, it will
life will do the best for me.

still it feels
like jumping from the edge of a cliff with your back turned to the dark abyss below
I don't know how long the fall will last
and will I land up in the cold, refreshing embrace of water
the rough touch of a solid rock
or the tender caress of a cushion

"I soar across the dark void of “the past is gone; the future is not yet here.” I have come to believe that is the only place that real change happens."

This is the time to face myself.
Not the deadlines, but the lack of deadlines defines me now.

rehab

I wanted to post this song for a long time
Every word of the lyrics falls into place...
Just a coincidence?
Or...

Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
You went, left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shot
That spun me around
And now my heart left
I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on
These cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get
For wishful thinking
I should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed

It's like I checked into rehab and
Baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab and
Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

Damn,
Ain't it crazy when you're love swept?
You'll do anything for the one you love
'Cause anytime that you needed me
I'd be there
It's like you were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way that I was using you
But now that I know, it's not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta ween myself off of you

And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame


And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on
These cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get
For wishful thinking
I should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed

inspiring day

inspiring day(I think I told u, there is something in the date of 23rd) :)
slumdog millionaire, controversial as it is, won 8 oscars
an indian friend invited me to a wedding
i am so happy for her and excited to think this is a good reason to buy a new saree, and learn to put it finally :)
i might be getting my visa and flying to delhi in a week
i had an amazing talk with the most unexpected person
on the essence of happiness and how to find it in life outside work and how doing the things we love attracts the right people in our lives
i had a lovely chat with a treasured friend. totally random, yet free and cheerful after a long time of some tension hanging in the air.
ideas forming in my head. plans for trips buzzing.
i think i need to get down to execution :)

snow

I woke up today to see the snow cover everything.
Under the white cover, the world is a bit more beautiful and calm. More divine.
Looking at the snow fall makes me feel God.
Every little, perfect snowflake is a material evidence of His presence.
I wonder what it is to live in a place where it never snows. A bit sad...maybe.
Thinking that some of my friends have never seen snow and people here are complaining that "the snow is awful cause it causes traffic jams".
And I am just dreaming of making a snowman and walking with someone down a long white path...the only noise being the sound of our boots in the snow.
Snow goes well with the music of Mercan Dede, by the way

friday to thursday...i'm in love

when S. said that once back home, people will want to meet me, as I will bring them some light and love I did not believe.
she was actually right.
i watched a lovely Bulgarian movie today...the first positive Bulgarian movie I have seen in years
it made me feel happy that I am born at the Balkans, on this crossroad where people are complicated, troubled, but still...fighting through life in a beautiful way.
i am thinking...
happiness is loving life with all its bad and grey days
ups and downs
smiles and tears
fighting every day, every hour
searching for answers
believing that people are good
forgiving
living simple

happy V-day everyone...wish more people would celebrate love not only on 14th Feb, but also on the other 364 days of the year :)

law of attraction

Thanks to Megan, I have started reading the "Law of attraction". I have never liked self-help type of books, yet this one is something quite different. If I cut the self-help part, the book actually helps you understand one of the laws of the Universe: Whatever your inner being desires, sooner or later comes into your existence.
That is why, I guess, people say "Careful what you wish for". If you do not understand the power of wishing, or you are not sure what you wish for...things happen to you and you continue wondering "why they happen like this".
It turns out that we need to teach our souls to wish, and thus create our realities. Sometimes, this is hard, as circumstances or people delude us into believing that we want something which actually we do not. Or, not being quite clear on what we wish for, we turn out to get something that is not quite what we wanted.
Certain recent happenings in my life have convinced me of the exsistence of the Law of attraction - both in small, daily things, as well as in bigger events.
Now I need to improve my wishing "skills"...and learn to be patient and trust.
That's the hardest part.

Conversation

- I do not want to stay in India. I can't. I am not really free there. How can I be happy if I cannot be myself...
- Then...why do you want to come back?
- To search for beauty, inspiration,love, wisdom...To learn.

Sometimes the paths we need to go are longer.
But they always lead us to where we should go.

Fire

Just finished watching Deepa Mehta's "Fire".
True, painful and beautiful movie.
There is one line that Radha says when parting with her husband...
There is no life without desire.

To what extent should we control our desires, if burying them means trying to lie to ourselves?
Is it better to live with a heavy heart or with a broken heart?
What is more important - desire or devotion?
Is desire justified by love?

I want to believe I have my answers to some of these questions...

The beauty of random conversations...

I have always had the habit of stricking conversations with strangers.In trains and buses, on the street or in cafes.
I don't know why it happens, maybe there is something in me that makes people feel comfortable with having a random talk.
And I find these random conversations really charming...Maybe because, when meeting people by chance, knowing that you might probably not meet them again, makes both you and them more honest. And the conversations are more real.
Talking with strangers is a wonderful way to get a glimpse of their world, of different aspects of life itself...
And it is so exciting to share the positive emotion of a good-hearted chat.
One of the small, daily pleasures of life I love:)

back

Back to Sofia.
walking the same streets that bring so many memories.
breathing the air that seems fresh and clean.
sipping a large cappucino in my favourite Onda opposite the Russian church.
recieving unexpected calls.
meeting unexpected people.
spending time with close friends.
smiling.
a lot.
the look at people's faces when they first see me.
having my schedule full with meeting people.
drinking wine and eating cheese.
making tentative plans for concerts, parties, trips.
nothing has changed much in Sofia.
it is grey, dirty...a little sad.
nothing has changed...
except me.

Counting my blessings...

Recently I met someone, in fact Exupéry's Little Prince in reality...An amazing boy who always has this beautiful smile on his face...and he told me something very simple and beautiful. He said:

If you want to be happy take some time every day to count your blessings.

So today I had so many reasons to feel blessed.
A surprise call from a close friend made me smile for a good 3 minutes while on the phone.
It is amazing what significant role cheese and olives play in our lives :)
I had lunch with the team. How didn't I realize before how delicious Indian food is...daal, Kashmiri rice, aloo gobi, tandoori aloo and rotis. It was amazing to have this food. With these 4 people.

It was about love and being thankful for what I am and what I have.
And about prayer.

I pray that the people I love are healthy, safe and at least as blessed as I am!
And in case u do not believe in prayers, I can assure you - prayers DO work! Once an Angel told me that :)

before you jump

it is just the moment before you jump
when you are scared from the water
yet welcoming, expecting its cold embrace
you want to feel its powerful fingers grip your limbs
and the tender touch of a warm current caress your skin
it's the first time
the comeback
the plunge from one world to the other
the clash of civilizations
the life before that never equals the life after
places change
people change
you change
life is change
it is just the moment before you jump
the essence of existence on the tip of a moment
exciting
exhilirating
pulsating
everything poised on the line of balance
your whole being is expecting the jump
but you are not in a hurry
you are here
now
vibrating with the heartbeat of the Universe
with a heart full of sun rays
and hope shining in the curls of your hair
you know that you are not the best swimmer
but you trust the water
and you love the water
it will never let you down.

black...with a little bit of silver lining

today was black
woke up with the sound of pigeons making love in the AC box.
just as I did one month back.
Remember?
same but not quite so.
all day black thoughts were creeping in my mind.
terror attacks. war with pakistan.kashmir.gaza.gas crisis in bulgaria.
my heart was so heavy with only one single question.
where the hell is this world going...?
seems like i have woken up from a dream, to find myself in a nightmare.
and i recieved a very strange mail today from my yoga teacher
it said that we are entering a 20 day astrological period where some disturbing and negative events can be expected - like misunderstandings between people, confusion, problems...
what was recommended was
patience
self-reflection and evaluation of life
music
meditation
meetings with old friends
attention to details
well...that is exactly what I intend to do...hope it brings some silver lining...

Love lessons

Lesson number One: Love is the unity of two beings, in which they stand together, equal. Love, but never try to lead, modify or change. It is about accepting as it is or accepting it is not meant to be.

Lesson number Two: Love hurts. It is incredibly hard to let go and love with the pure, unconditional love that does not ask for anything in return. But if you manage to do it, you are one step closer to the Divine and to happiness.

Lesson number Three: Just when you think that you have lost your ability to love, there comes someone that you find worthy of your love.He/she comes to prove a point - do not ever loose your faith in love.

Lesson number Four: Sometimes love comes in the form of a collision. It comes to shake you out of your comfortable zone, makes you ask yourself lots of uncomfortable questions, makes you search for answers and change.

All of these are beautiful. Thank God for letting me learn them.

Lesson number Five: Let's see what it will be...

On the first day of 2009...

My eyes are full of
blue skies
tired smiles
beautiful words
colourful people
intriguing book covers
My head is full of
questions
plans for the near future
doubts
memories of precious moments from the last year
thoughts about love and loved ones
quotes from "Shantaram"
My heart is full of
hope
desire
hunger to live
forgiveness
love
sorrow
happiness.
If I have to judge the year from the first day of it, 2009 is going to be an interesting one...

On the last day of 2008...

I would like to thank God for this year, cause it has been, truly, one of the most amazing years of my life.
I saw and experienced so much beauty in every form of it - in places, in people, in music, in colours,in tastes, in aromas, in moments.
I discovered that I am capable of loving again. And suffering the pain of love.
I learned lessons about the world, about life, about love and myself.
I was up and down, I laughed loud and cried so hard as if my soul was torn apart.
I made stupid, painful mistakes.
I forgave people, and loved them, despite circumstances.
I hoped and I prayed. I may be got a step closer to the Divine self...
Thank you, God, for bringing all this my way.
In the new year,
I wish for good health for me and my closest people.
I wish to find the stregth in me to be a better person.
I wish to find the inspiration to create beauty around me and inspire smiles on people's faces.
I wish to always find a good word to say to warm a heart.
I wish to find the love for life and for people and the excitement of meeting every new day with a smile and new hope:)
Happy New Year to everyone!

...desire...

closing my eyes...
my hips move with this rhythm
the music vibrates in me
in my body
in my soul
i am a belly dancer
my eyes burn your skin
and my moves leave bruises to your heart

...desire...

days

days go by
countdown has begun
they go too slow
small pieces of reality
remind me where i am
snapshots of a day
a colourful soup
eaten very slowly
the minutes on the cross trainer
5...10...15
tired of thinking
i sleep quite early
these days
and find consolation
in conversations
in God
and want to believe that miracles happen
at Christmas time...

i want to tell you

that I want you to be the fragrance on my skin when I wake up in the morning.
that I want to be part of some small daily ritual of yours.
that I want to talk to you without stopping until we both get too tired and fall asleep.
that I want to share a hearty laugh with you.
that I want to make crepes for you.
and...so many other things I want to tell you...

Just a perfect day...

Woke at around 4 in the morning.
I could hear my soul wailing somewhere far. Metaphorically. In fact it was only the street dogs.
Suddenly I felt at peace and happy.
Woke up and decided not to wait for the others but head for Delhi straight away.
Dressed. My Bulgarian tee, the favourite green and white duparta,the hat that is not exactly mine. And the black coiled earring. Just one. As a statement...
Went to Landmark and bought a thing i love for a person I love. I love giving presents :)
Got on the bus to medical. Listening to Ostava. Started reading "Shantaram" and loved the style.
Peeped into the book of the girl sitting next to me. Maths.
I had to meet Ricardo and Pauline at Dilli Haat. Was wondering where to go, then the idea just sprang up in my mind. Of course we should go to Dilli Haat.
Waiting for them in the sunlight, jotting some names in my gift-list for home...trying not to forget someone and visualizing the meeting with these people.
Then, Ricardo and Pauline came, we strolled around Dilli Haat. Devouring the variety of colours and shapes. Scarves, wood, fabrics, leather, kites,jewelery, paper...a see of beautiful items that have caught the spirit of India. I thought of how much I will miss India when I go...
We had lunch at one of the restaurants. Huge portions we couldn't finish though I shared mine with a very fat cat and a skinny dog. Remembered how Neeraj told me how he loves the place.*Inner smile:) Remembered how I went there first with Andre and was fascinated. *Inner smile :)We moved to Sarojini market...the familiar crowd and mess, and the memories of waiting for Julie to do her last minute shopping. Pauline bargained furiously for a pair of earrings.We saw a belly-dancer costume. Remembered Pondy trip and the hilarious "dancing night" at the hotel. I really need to learn Indian dances, I made a point to myself.
Then, we headed to CP...said goodbye to the guys. Knowing I will meet them someday...somehow:)
Walked on the road where we walked together last Sunday. Remembered how beautifully confused and excited u were...Indulged in the pain of the memory. Thought about what Vesi said..."let yourself be sad". Strolled around, listening to Niyaz, thinking of the time we will spend with Vladi when I am back. Simply being happy of where I am.
Got into a Coffee Day, ordered a latte and opened Shantaram again. Observed people around as I love doing...Saw that the B8ulgarian lady - Mariana had called me.
She happened to be in CP as well...so can we meet for coffee?
Thought how much I love accidential meetings. They just make my day :)
Mariana was with her husband - the Austrian diplomat and the two kids - a 9-year old girl and 12-year old boy. Pleasant surprise that they greeted me in Bulgarian:)
Then - the excitement of speaking my mother tongue to someone I meet for the first time, but I know I connect to. Conversations about life and love and India and Delhi. Where will I live next? Cairo? Istanbul? Funny I never thought of Istanbul in this way :) Sharing pleasant moments and a sinful chocolate cake with this amazing family that has lived here and there...
I had to go back to Gurgaon...so I got into an autorick...The driver was nice. Tried to explain me where the cabs stop in Hindi. I believe I should learn a bit of Hindi. As a part of my endeavour of digging deeper into the great Indian soul:) Would be nice to talk to people just like that...
Then, I was quite anxious if I will manage to catch the right bus but luckily it came very quickly :) Sat down and had a random (but pleasant) conversation with an Indian boy. I like conversations with strangers in buses and trains :)
Just a perfect day...and the happiness of the moments is still lingering in me...

My "late nite song" lately...

songs like that are such a beautiful
expression of the human soul
and people who write them are genius...



Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to You?

We always try to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put You through...

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for You

If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's Your eyes He's seeing through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I pray You learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in Your heart for two

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

what does it take ...

to love even if u know it does you no good
to not be able to sleep at night thinking where u go wrong
to remain true to who u are
to face the fear of being alone
to give a piece of your heart to the ones you love and still have some left
to be good to people although they do not deserve it
to forgive their weaknesses
to believe in beauty
to smile when you do not feel like it
to talk to the fairies in your sleep
to be happy with who you are and grateful of the people that are in your life

Farewell...

Take care of your heart while I am away she said...
I wish I knew how...

Happiness

I do not believe in happiness as a constanta...
Happiness is a fleeting sensation. You need a great skill to make it a state of mind.
Every day when I stop to think I realize how blessed I am to have what I have.
I realize that I have been to places for which people only dream about.
I am hanging aroud with a vibrant young crowd of amazing people from across the world.
Maybe I am a bit careless - not worrying too much about the future, not hurrying up the career ladder, not searching for the one to build a family with...not even sure what I want to do for a living.
Yet someone said - it is not important how you will feel in future, but how u feel now. Live for the moment!
The picture above is from the Indian ocean coast. Spent 3 days there with a bunch of very cool people.Some of them I might not meet again. But the happiness that I felt will linger on :)
When I turn back and explore these 9 last months in India...I see a string of such beads of happiness...And a circle of people, spread around the world that I know will always treasure and share this beads of happiness with me.
Thank you for being a part of my life!

and that's it

and that's it
you are there
i am not
not me
so tense
so wound up
so get-down-to business
i need lies
beautiful lies
i want u to lie to me that u feel different with me
that i am something for u
u will not do it
i know
even if u do
what is the point
you are there
i am here
i need to stop thinking about that
bas!

damn it!

I miss you so much. And can't even tell you how much I miss you.

Love is noise...

I have been writing a lot about love in this blog lately...
I just don't understand why people take it so literally when u talk about love.
It spreads so much further than being in a relationship. Maybe the word has lost its meaning of so frequent usage...Every moment millions say "I love you" without even meaning it.But what does "Love" mean anyways?I do not know. Or rather...I only know one of its faces.
Here is a song for you:


Will those feet in modern times
Walk on soles that are made in China?
Feel the bright prosaic malls
In the corridors that go on and on and on

Are we blind - can we see?
We are one - incomplete
Are we blind - In the shade
Waiting for lightning - to be saved
Cause love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m singing again
Love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m singing again, again, again

Will those feet in modern times
Understand this world’s affliction
Recognise the righteous anger
Understand this world’s addiction

I was blind - couldn’t see
What was here in me
I was blind - insecure
I felt like the road was way too long, yeah
Cause love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m singing again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m singing again, again, again, again, again, again

Cause love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Come on, come on, ah come on, ah come on
Now come on, now come on, now come on
Now come on

Will those feet in modern times
Walk on soles made in China?
Will those feet in modern times
See the bright prosaic malls?
Will those feet in modern times
Forgive me all my sins
Love is noise
Come on

Friday, I'm in love

catch the fleeting moments

The colourful kites in the fading Jodhpur sky.
Freedom re-defined.
Marble as thin and subtle as a whisper.
Simple daal and rice eaten with fingers and thus so delicious.
Blissful mornings with coffee and meaningless conversations with meaningful people.
The colours of Rajastan.
Melancholy of fading splendour.
Being tired from too much beauty.
These people. Their smiles, their gestures,their words.
true moments of fleeting happiness I just managed to catch :)

low

the sky was low today
i was waiting for a storm that never came
tired of the thick, tense air
almost feeling the solitude sticking to my skin
missing people
feeling distant
not a part of the puzzle
or part of a different puzzle
feeling that love is more evasive than ever
i so much need a God's sign these days
but i am probably too shortsighted to find it in little everyday things
but as it is said in one of my favourite songs
"it's a new dawn, it's a new day and i'm feeling good"
let's see what the new dawn brings :)

rainy

it has been raining restlessly for the past almost 20 hours
it's like livin in an underwater world
the only thing that i am thinking of the whole day is a nice, cosy place
a cup of thick hot chocolate and long easy-going conversation about life with someone i have just discovered
tomorrow we are all going to this amazing Mocha place - i fell in love even before i have stepped in
the whole melancholic mood of this week that went down the drain like a dream
makes me think of an ella fitzdjerald song that boris had given me.

Everytime we say goodbye, I die a little,
Everytime we say goodbye, I wonder why a little,
Why the Gods above me, who must be in the know.
Think so little of me, they allow you to go.
When you're near, there's such an air of spring about it,
I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it,
There's no love song finer, but how strange the change from major to
minor,
Everytime we say goodbye.

When you're near, there's such an air of spring about it,
I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it,
There's no love song finer, but how strange the change from major to
minor,
Everytime we say goodbye

Have a good weekend...

Kiss me goodnight...

Kiss me goodnight...
long enough...
i will guide you out of this world.
take my hand and play with my fingers.
as long as I want to...or long enough...you will know.
kiss my fingertips
one by one
touch my palms with your lips
let me feel your warm breath going up my arms...caressing my shoulders...moving my untidy hair
stop and linger for a while
let me look in your smiling eyes
smile
close your eyes
we are so close that your face is almost touching mine
stay like this for a while
keep your eyes closed
then slowly...as if hesitating
find my lips
cover them with tiny tiny kisses
then bite them
.....use your imagination to wish me "sweet dreams"
Good night my dear.

Hunger

Some dishes require more attention than others.
They need to be savoured slowly to get their real taste.
At first you would say they taste strange, even bitter...but in a a while , when the palate gets used to that...you sense a whole lot of flavours.
Sweet and sour and spicy and tingy...A hint of dark chocolate. Orange and black pepper. Something melting in your mouth...
Don't rush with these dishes. You could just spoil the taste...
If you are not ready to dedicate the time...just choose another item on the menu.

Natural drugs

On a Saturday morning, a list of 45 things that really make u happy...

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15 The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they LOVE you
19 Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Makiig new friends or spending time with old ones.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trip with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

...

Under the flourescent light in the small kitchen she was having her late dinner.
Leaning towards the wall, she gently held the small orange plastic bowl.
Slowly, as if conscious of being watched, she scooped some thick youghurt and carefully put the spoon in her mouth.
An almost invisible smile playing on her lips, she carefully cleaned the spoon with the tip of her tongue. Then ventured for another one.
The cornflake pieces delightfully crispy between the teeth. The raisins - thick and succulent.
She was wondering how would it feel to...

Just like that...

Darkness ocassionally broken by soft lightning.
Clouds with silver lining.
Gentle wind playing with my hair.
Making breathing (and probably living) possible.
I am listening to this.
Thinking...or feeling...
I am just like that...

asking nasty questions
building castles in the sky
being cruel and sarcastic
blaming myself
feeling too much


My curse is to be distant.
Detached, separated and ever-evasive.

loving beautiful things sometimes can hurt.
but can't pain be beautiful?


...I am so tired...
But a man has to do what a man has to do.

Good friends we had...good friends we've lost

A lot of friends are leaving these days. Closer friends, or just people that I like. People that have become a part of my life in a way.
Torill...Nata...Isabel...
soon Neeraj...Francois...Henk...Julie...Peter...Burcu...Jenny...
Our "home" in Gurgaon is constantly changing, and I am trying to keep a stiff upper lip, cause if I start to cry about everyone who is leaving, the monsoon will look like a drizzle.
So many people leaving made me think about all my friends I have around the world.
And brings back so many sweet memories, but also raises the question...
Will I be able to spend quality time with these people again? How much have we changed? Will I be able to call them friends?
It will never be the same again...
But why does it have to be the same?
You tought me one important lesson - live for the moment and cherish every single second you have spent with the people you love. Now this lesson is back to remind me I should learn to let go.
Neeraj said something really beautiful:"I want to be happy and to be sad, to enjoy every minute of the happiness and sadness, cause only then I will know I have lived"
We meet people for a reason...maybe this is the answer to a long-posted question.

Tonight...

Too much sex yet too little erotica...
So sad :(

On doing good

Our last trip was to McLeaod Ganj, the birthplace of Dalai Lama.
We went to a strange charity concert for Tibetian olymics.
The lead singer (he was something between Santa and a rock-dinosaour) told us the following.
Some years ago, he met Dalai Lama for the first time and started compalining that things are not going well, it is hard to try and change things in the american societiy and so on...
Then the Dalai Lama said:
You find it hard to go ahead, as you are doing good deeds.That is why u meet so many obstacles. If you were doing bad deeds, it would have been much easier.

However you should not give up doing good. Cause...what goes around, comes around.

Happiness

Today was one of the happiest days of my life.
I received so much pure, unconditional love that I feel extremely elevated, and the world bursts out in amazing bright colours.
What happened?
We had a volunteer initiative in Alcatel-Lucent - we brought 70 children from the slums to an amusement/water park.
I was responsible for those two beauties - Monica and Radha:)
So we were chasing around, going on marry-go-rounds, climbing ropes and throwing balls at each other.
Then there was the pool. Splashing water, jumping in it, playing wildly...
I was the first among the adults to get inside. And when one of the guys said that he got inspired by me to jump and play with the kids...it sounded so nice.
I felt a bit sad that I could not answer when "my children" were excitedly pulling me and shouting something in Hindi.
But one thing i knew without having to use any language.
They were happy.
They loved me.
I loved back.
What more do I need to be happy?

India...4 months later

Well, here I am.
A little more than 4 months since my journey began.
It would be an understatement to say "I learned a lot".
Probably I will be able to understand how much I have learned after some time...
I also cannot say that I am able to understand India.This is a country so colourful and diverse, so full of contardictions and contrasts, that you cannot ever say you have figured it out.
My feelings for India are as contrast as that - there are things I love and things I hate, but for sure I feel strong for that country and for its future. I kind of feel it as a second home already:)
What happened in these 4 months...
I went to some places I have never imagined that I will go.
Udaipur, Jaipur, Rishikesh, Nainital, Agra, Kajiraho, McLeaod Ganj...
Done crazy things (like jumping into Ganges)and rafting.
Laughed a lot. Cried a bit.
Partied hard.
Met some amazing people.Made some friends maybe.
Got enchanted by people. Got dissapointed by people.
Made stupid mistakes. Forgave.
Learned a few Hindi words.
Almost got used to spicy food.
Been disturbed. Achieved peace of mind.
Got a few steps closer to happiness.
I have a tentative plan where I want to go. It might be changed overnight.
That's the beauty of it.
Now it is more important to live.
Cause it is, for sure, a pretty exciting life!

A touch of tenderness

In India I have met another fairy. She is subtle, tender, almost transperent.
Just as I would imagine a fairy to be.
Today she made me a miraculous massage. Just like that, without asking for anything, saying it is a pleasure for her.
I have never been a physical person (mening that I have always considered myself body-less and more spiritual, but the massage made me think of a communication on a different level.
What if your hands can speak? What if they are your universal language to getting to know someone? Could you understand people just by touching them?
I felt in another dimention.
It had nothing to do with the physical touch,it was the tenderness of a fairy tale.
Merci beaucoup, ma cherie :)

Questions of a troubled mind...

Why do people always have a double agenda?
Is it good to let go?
Should we believe in Love?
Not judge people for the means they use to get what they want?
How to live light heartedly?
Why can't you be like the others?
Will you follow your dream?
How long can you go?
What happens after...

Life is about...

...simple things.
Long conversations over a huge cup of Mocca with a German girl that I didn't know a month ago (Thanks Kat:))
Hearty laughs over the stories of a Spanish guy I just met.
Driving back home on a bike.
Writing an e-mail to my friends on the balcony, with the wind blowing.
My new set of bangles.
The challenges at work.
Having spent 1500 Rs on books (Lonely planet guide on India and Love in the time of cholera).
The anticipation of reading Khaled Houseini's "A thousand splendid suns".
Not knowing what will happen to me in one year and still being sure I have so many oportunities.
Having seen Jodha Akbar - a naive 3-hour long love story, I didn't understand any conversation in, as it was all in Hindi.
Learning something new every day.
It is so simple and beautiful.
Then...why do we go and make it complicated.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas :)

Do you remember the times when there was snow for Christmas? I haven't seen a "white Christmas" for two or three years now...And there is something really magical and beautiful in the snowy Christmas.
Anyways, today I realised that if you have a very strong desire for snow - your dreams come true.
Therefore, to bring some magical Christmas spirit, I invite you to sing along with Bing Crosby:)


I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten,
and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

Matched!

It has already been two days and i still cannot believe it! Everybody was telling me how hard it is to find a proper AIESEC traineeship, that it takes so much effort and long months of sending e-mails.
Well, I got matched to the first position I applied. Maybe it is beginners luck :) Maybe it is destiny!
Ta-da-dam!
Alcatel-Lucent in India, here I come.
One year in Corporate communications in one of the most amazing countries in the world.
Working along with a Brazilian guy and a Lithuainian girl as AIESEC trainees in Bangalore and Chennai. Challenging myself. Learning a lot. Living a different culture.
The journey will start in less than two months.
I have always believed that there are roads that have to be followed.This is such a road. It might be difficult, unexpected, uncomfortable, dirty and long. Yet I have already stepped on it and I will walk till the end. Sure it will be an exciting journey!

Oh, what a night!

This is just to give you a tiny hint of the crazy party I went to yesterday night. It was a double birthday party:) I think that maybe 30 or 40 people came and we were dancing like crazy :) Just great!

My weekend in pictures: Saturday

Interesting food info in Borovetz

The Samokov hotel

The "You are not alone" campaign is well integrated in selling real estate

The jeeps for our extreme-safari

Picnic time ;)

Me (almost) on top of the world

The song that expresses my mood lately :)

Mika - Grace Kelly lyrics

In case you want to sing along.
Here is the video.

Freedom of speech in this blog

You might be wondering at the strange post and who is the girl at the picture and why is the picture mutilated like that.

The answer is simple:
I consider this blog my own space and I do not accept anyone, even closest friends to censor it.
My feelings are really very positive, but one cannot accept me to agree to remove a certain picture from here just because "I do not want my picture to be on your blog".
Or at least - demanding in this manner is not the right way to do so.
How about politely explaining why you wouldn't like your picture to be there (is it insulting for you?) instead of just giving orders...
I removed the picture from this post, as, however furious I was at Zayo qualifying me as childish etc. and no matter that I really feel that she acted very agressively in this case - I still respect her.
I hope she will not protest against the other picture I put in the post, anyway...
If she does, I will be careful not to put any picture of a friend here.
Problem is, I still do not understand what the problem with the picture was:)

The sea, the sea ...

I am ashamed to admit that form my long 25-year long life, I have never been in Burgas, actually, only passed through there.
So, when Maya (or Zayo, as most of us know her) asked - is there anyone who wants to come to Burgas with me - I was the first volunteer :)
So, here it was - my first visit to the Black sea coast this summer.There is such a strange rule - whenever you live near the sea - you almost do not notice it, you take it for granted, when you are away - you miss it...
We took the Friday 4 o'clock bus, and because not all of the road is a highway, reached 6 hours later.
Zayo's parents were, of course awaiting us, her mum, a very nice woman had prepared us a dinner.They made me the impression of very hospitable people and huge fans of sun-bathing - went to the beach at 8 in the morning every day.
Saturday was a fully scheduled day - we woke up, had a nice home-made breakfast and went to the beach in Sarafovo, which seemed to be nicer than the one in Burgas. We stayed only two hours or so, and it was not quite sunny, yet at the end of the day I felt I was a bit sunburnt.


After the beach, I managed to convince Zayo to go to the city centre (she didn't want to, cause all the people were dressed up and they would stare at us as we looked like idiots in our beach-wear. Well, anyay, who cares?!).
We walked on the beach and I had a few of these precious moments when I just stared at the magic waves and the sky, breathing the fresh air and feeling in a completely parallel Universe.
Then we had lunch-o-dinner with Zayo's cousin who seemed a cool guy and gave us very useful instructions on where to drink what.

The evening was committed to drinking sexy-named cocktails (Sex on the beach, Falling bikini, Double orgasm were only a few of the names) with Zayo and Kateto (who was so much sunburnt, that you could easily fry an egg at her leg). Marvelous!
We went to the beach to check how people were preparing to meet JULY MORNING. I expected more people, gathered around huge fires, drinking beer and playing the guitar. We saw mostly drunk teenagers and a few enthusiasts that seemed to carry the hippie spirit in themselves. I felt so grown up and out of space. For the first time I wished I was 15 again (when I was 15 I actually was thinking like a 30 -year old, but that's another story).
The moon was a perfect circle.
Strange, tempting.
Bitter yellow.
We sat for a while, listening to the music from the nearby disco.
Then we just went home.
Sunday was devoted to the beach again...then a quick nap. I awoke as if awaking from a nice dream. I had to be back to reality.

One more bit of the real me stayed on the bus...I read Haruki Marukami's "Sputnik, Sweet Hart" - a very nice book on love friendship and loneliness.
We are all metal pieces circling the earth in their own orbits. Sometimes we meet for a while. Then we part, without promising each other anything.
Some of us come back.
If they have the guts to do so.

My trip to Auschwitz-Birkenau

I am sorry to start my stories for Krakow with this one.But I have always felt somehow over-empathic with the Holocaust story. And the concentration camps were a place I definitely wanted to visit, although Mimka was trying to convince me it was no use to spoil my great mood with such a gloomy place.
Yet, I do not regret, although it was quite a distressing and tiring journey.
The Auschwitz-Birkenau camp is some two hours drive away from Krakow, I was travelling with an old bus that did not have proper air-condition and was stopping to pick up people literally every 10th minute. Well, that was some way of getting "into the atmosphere", I guess.
When we finally reached, I was quite surprised to see how touristic the place is. Indeed - I dunno why I should be surprised - I should have expected that.
Yet, my perception of the camps, created from watching black-and-white movies and pictures was of a gloomy, dark and lonely place. Well, with all the tourists - it wasn't. The weather was also quite nice, the surroundings - green (in fact, the Nazi propaganda had made pictures of the area, presenting prisoners sitting on the grass, eating and chatting - to convince the mass that Auschwitz was a relatively nice place to be). I guess it would be much more touching if I went during winter, when it is freezing and gloomy.

Anyways - I am happy to have taken the guided tour, as our guide really showed us the most important things and I learned a lot (although I considered I knew pretty much on the topic).
The tour started at Auschwitz, which is comprised of brick barracks and now each of these barracks has an exhibition of some of the evidence from the Nazi atrocities. There are some of the personal belongings of Jewish people and prisoners - piles of shoes, suitcases, glasses, even kitchen utensils. These Nazi bastards were so utilitarian that they used the womens hair to make fabrics. And when the guide said they even used the clothes of the children they have sent to the gas chambers to dress-up their own kids - that really gave me the shivers! She also showed us the cells were prisoners were kept (in the camps there were prisoners - mostly intellectuals, or people fighting against the Nazi and all the rest - the inmates were sent there simply because they were Jewish, gay, Gypsies or just didn't appeal to the Nazis)No windows, something like 1 sq. meter of space - to punish the ones that try to help a fellow prisoner or simply do not manage to come on time for the morning camp roll-call.
They also showed us the only one gas chamber left - the smallest one (the Nazi build other two in Birkenau, as this one was so insufficient, but just before liberation they set them on fire). Gloomy place, smelling of death. Here, as well, they used EVERYTHING that can be used from the dead bodies - ashes, golden teeth (around 5 kilos of dental gold were sent to Deutche bank monthly)...This is so inhumanly utilitarian...reaching to monstrosity!
The tour ended with a short documentary on the liberation of the camps and then we headed to Birkenau, some 3 km away form the mother camp.

At first it didn't exist at all, but when the "Jewish question" was to be solved the Nazi started building it. Compared to Auschwitz it is huge, yet only several of the wooden barracks are left, all the others were demolished by the Nazi or the Russians. There, in Birkenau, people lived in an incredible living conditions, deprived of everything , even basic stuff necessary for surviving. That is why they lived averagely only 6 to 8 months...
I once again got the shivers when we went into the barrack. No heating, no proper isolation - they were freezing in the winter. Sleeping by tens in narrow wooden banks. No showers. Huge rats.
This was really depressing.
And the feeling to stand at the platform where families were separated, lies were told that "you must take a shower" and people sent immediately to death in the gas chambers. I walked the "road of death" that lead to the gas chambers.
Nothing to say at that point.
The place is so full of grief and evidence of incredible cruelty that I even couldn't feel sad. It is just so huge that my mind refused to accept that someone actually did that to more than 1 million human beings.
The thing is - it was not the only case in history for such atrocities. Stalin did the same in Russia, in Bulgaria during the communism there were camps as well...Now,genocide is still alive in some places around the world.
Sadly, human nature has remained so cruel and primitive as it was thousands of years ago.

Placebo - a dream come true

I was at the concert yesterday:)I am so happy I managed to go.
One thing - these guys really rocked the house!
Amazing work!

Krakow

Krakow,
Here I come!
To explore you and enjoy your beauties :)
Can't wait to reach there and see Mimka!
No work for the next 10 days!

Yupee:)

One of those days...

Today was one of those days...
You know what I am talking about - the days that are all full of little nice surprises and accidental meetings that make you happy:)
Well, going out to the office (as today is a normal working day, as tomorrow will be) I saw on the front door that my first postcrossing card had arrived from Finland:) Yupee!
I walked a bit down the street and just bumped in an old friend I have lost completely track of:) It was great to get her mobile number again (last time I tried to call, some guy picked up and insisted that there is "no such girl here") :)
Then, I had to work a bit...well, I really do not like working on weekends, but my trip to Krakow has to be compensated with an extra workload obviously.
After work I met a friend and we visited the "book fair" in the National palace of culture. I bought five (yes, five ;) ) books - mostly children's books - Karlson, who lives at the roof, one Bulgarian book, Winnie the Pooh's Dao and Pigglet's D and one 'serious' book by Haruki Murakami :)
I decided to visit some friends in Studentski grad and while travelling met one of the sweet salsa instructors. I have never talked to him much, so it was cool to discuss books and stuff. Actually on the bus back I met him once again, which was rather funny :)
I realized that the Placebo concert will take place on the 18th June (not 15th as I first understood), so...if my bus comes back from Poland in the right hour, I might be able to get to the concert! I want it so much...
Then, on coming back home I found another postcard from an unknown girl lying on my table. A beautiful photo of Lisbon (which I want to visit so much).
I love such days - they show me that sometimes things just happen. When you need them to.

Russian cartoons :)

To all the people that remember and love the Russian cartoons I would like to dedicate the following song.
I just grew up with Nu Pogodi.
There was no American or western cartoons at this time. So we loved them :)
And I just chose that song, as it always makes me remember my childhood and feel so sweetly melancholic.
Enjoy (even though birthdays come only once a year) :)

Happiness

I am feeling happy at the moment. Well, let's say - the closest to happiness that I have been for the last 2 years. Maybe I am just happy of what I am without blaming myself for anything.
Yes, I admit I have made mistakes.
I still do.
But I do not feel , as before, that my mistakes are among the main reasons for something screwing up.
I am happy with the change that is happening - I feel it is going to bring me more opportunities to express myself and to bring more added value to my work.
Yes, sometimes I really feel depressed when I think of all my friends - they are living in different cultures, living these cross-cultural experiences...and I am just ...staying here.
Well, whatever...

I just wanted to post two pictures of the youngest person I know.
His name is Svetoslav and he was born only 42 days ago.
Life is ahead of him and it is full of opportunities!
For me - as well.
From my humble experience - things always happen for a reason. If I have to pass through a stage - I'll just pass. If I am meant to change - I will change.
Accepting this means a lot less stress for me.

My "goodnight" song

This is one wonderful LOVE song for saying "Goodnight".
And dreaming that I meet a guy like Robert Downey Jr...aaah
Sweet dreams:)
I just couldn't resist to post the lyrics as well.
Goodnight lovers:)
Goodnight dreamers:)

I want love, but it's impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated

I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love

I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I've seen so much traffic

So bring it on, I've been bruised
Don't give me love that's clean and smooth
I'm ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I've had enough

I have been thinking...

Since I watched "Notes on a scandal" I have been thinking that it is not right to judge people for being cruel.
I think I cannot judge Barbara for being so cruel, since she never understood what it is to be loved.
I cannot judge people around me for being malicious - it is their way to survive, to hide from the others that they are actually as fragile as we all are.
I even cannot judge myself for the contempt I feel towards the person I loved just a few months ago.

Resurrection

I am not what I am...
At least i wasn't for the last two years.
I believe I am being closer to my true self each day.
The recovery is based on some basic rules:
Do not regret about the mistakes you have made.
Do not blame yourself for the mistakes of the others.
It is great to be empathic, but the most important thing is you.
Do the things that make you happy.
Notice things.
Love life.

That's it. Life is simple.
We make it difficult with more words than necessary.

Petia's Birthday

Yesterday I was invited to the birthday celebration of one of the people I appreciate most in AIESEC - my first "boss" Petia.
When I first met her, I wondered how it was possible for such a tiny fragile girl to be so firm and straightforward!
I have been wondering ever since.
She is such a nice person and I hope she is lucky in life:)
Just a short note how we spend her birthday...
First we went to "Krivoto" ...ah, it was so tough to resist all these delicious things.And...well, finally we didn't resist.
We were only women with just one guy - Johnny. It was Petia, Megan, Sevi, Liana (the sweet Armenian trainee), Maya and Stassy.
Stassy gave Petia a very well packed present:)
Here is Petya trying to unwrap it...
Step 1: "Let's see what is in here"

Step 2: "C'mon, open up!"

Step 3: "Finally:)What a nice surprise!"


After that, we went to "Bar at the end of the world" to dance at some retro music. It was rather nice, especially as John behaved as a real gentleman, and ordered champaigne for everyone. I will be waiting for some pictures...
When we were saying goodbye something Petia said something that warmed my heart.
"Thank you. My friends are my happiness".
What else do I need to be happy than making some other person happy!

My "angry" song

I really like Placebo and I think I can classify more than one from their songs in the "angry" song category.
Here is "The Bitter end"
I think i love Brian's androginy (that must have sounded reaaaaly crazy:) )
Can't wait for the concert!

Every time we say goodbye I die a little...

I hate being so emotional.
Every time I loose a friend I die...
And I feel so desperate...
I guess it hurts even more knowing that you cannot do anything about it.

AIESEC and non-AIESEC emotions

In the last few days I was
...excited about AIESEC, as Emo invited me on the official panel of BLDS. It is really an honour to be among Koceto, Krasi, Kalin:)
...happy because of AIESEC, when I saw the people applying for LCP of LC Plovdiv. I remembered the old days back in my home LC Varna.
...sad because of AIESEC,because the way the same elections in Plovdiv were organised and ended
I was also excited for I had to take a major risk at work. I had to decide if I am willing to change my field. I did it and I do not regret.
I would never forgive myself if I had missed the chance.
Better regret for decisions made, then for decisions not made...

Happy feet

Yep :)
I just watched the movie.
And this video is literally "breaking the ice"
Hihi

I'm not crazy...

In case you need to sing you can get the lyrics here. :)

I am NOT proud to be Bulgarian because...

...our politics are not acting as defendants of our rights abroad. Bulgarian nurses are convicted to death. 8 years nobody does nothing and hundreds of dollars are paid for lawyers without any success. Now...an initiative to save the nurses is started. It is called "You are not alone"..It is supposed to support the prisoners and their families and to express the public opinion with the hope that something might be changed and can be free. Yet, the whole campaign is getting too commercial.It is everywhere! You have the "you are not alone stickers", the "you are not alone" ribbons. Shops are putting the "you are not alone" sign, demonstrating a very populist maketing aproach. I even so "you are not alone" sugars packets and "you are not alone" salads:(
... a group of taxi drivers block the whole capital in an agressive protest, causing a terrible delay and losses for business. They have the right to protest - their collegue has been killed.Yet they do not have the right to be as arrogant as to ask some special privileges from the Parliement - like being able to drive without safety belts and getting more money per drive...
...a "businessman" (connected to the mafia) puts in his retail centre -TZUM an aquarium and there he places...a baby tiger to entertain the customers!!! After a serious protest the businessman decided to move the poor animal to the Plovdiv zoo.You might think that he finally understood how obnoxious and inhumane it is to keep an animal in a glass cage.No, you are not right. Yes, he is extremely stupid - he is serching for a black panther to replace the tiger!
These are free of the reasons that certainly don't make me feel very proud to be Bulgarian!!!

A favourite song

Once I used to love that Bulgarian band called PIF quite a lot. They wrote meaningful texts and made beautiful music. I guess it was a part of my grunge-romantic period :)
Then, some of the band members left...so the magic was gone.
I still enjoy listening to the music. Brings back so many beautiful memories of concerts and people.
Enjoy...:)

My Valentine's day present

...as I hate all the "marketing" and "artificial" ways people "celebrate" love on the 14th of February
...as I am sick of pink, hearts, sugar and teddy bears
...as noone will giv me a present for this day
...as I am quite doubtful about the existence of love
I decided to make myself this present.
Candles.
Simple.
Beautiful.
Burning.
Like hope and desire.

I refuse to admit...

You called me 5 times today.
I see an interesting relation - you call me very often you are away, and seldom when you are here, working in an office just a few streets away from mine.
I cannot understand if you are calling me because you want to hear my voice, or because you just need to talk to someone that will listen and understand?Or is this one and the same thing?
You told me you do not believe in love, as all we call "love" is just the need of someone else's physical presence.
I refuse to admit a relationship (be it between a woman and a man or between to men or two women) is only this.
It is not true. The fact that the person I loved so much says that love does not exist doens't mean it does not exisist, right?

La vie en rose...or some reasons for me to be happy

No, I am not in love, as supposed by the Edith Piaf lyrics :)
But I have some reasons to be happy:
-I have a french exam tomorrow. Don't ask.Not so much prepared as I should be. Yet I am not giving up the French, not because everyone is mocking me "what is that special interest in French" and "are you studying oral French only":)

- After the exam I might go to a "Cuban night" at a very nice bar - tea house. I heard some interesting things about the event. Will put some pics on flikr if I go:)



- On sunday - I have a ticket for the Ice-skating show by the Bulgarian star-couple - Albena Denkova and Maxim Stavinski. They just came back with a bronze medal from the European championship ( I heard it was not a very fair decision for the Russians to win the silver, but I would rather not comment, as I really do not understand the criteria and besides - haven't watched the competition). I cannot wait to see the show - promises to be really beautiful.

- There is an exhibition of Leaonardo Da Vinci's works - presenting him not as an artis,but as a scientist. I will find some time and visit it.

And...well, it seems finally the winter is here. The cold wind is blowing. No snow yet:(I hope it will soon come, though my shoes just let me down yesterday:)

More music...Nina Simone (or how beauty can save you from madness)

Ain't got no/I got lifeAin't got no home, ain't got no shoes
Ain't got no money, ain't got no class
Ain't got no skirts, ain't got no sweater
Ain't got no perfume, ain't got no beer
Ain't got no man

Ain't got no mother, ain't got no culture
Ain't got no friends, ain't got no schooling
Ain't got no love, ain't got no name
Ain't got no ticket, ain't got no token
Ain't got no God

What about God?
Why am I alive anyway?
Yeah, what about God?
Nobody can take away

I got my hair, I got my head
I got my brains, I got my ears
I got my eyes, I got my nose
I got my mouth, I got my smile
I got my tongue, I got my chin
I got my neck, I got my boobs

I got my heart, I got my soul
I got my back, I got my sex
I got my arms, I got my hands
I got my fingers, Got my legs
I got my feet, I got my toes
I got my liver, Got my blood

I've got life , I've got my freedom
I've got the life

And I'm gonna keep it
I've got the life
And nobody's gonna take it away
I've got the life

Why do I need love?

I need love not to make my world more beautiful and my life more meaningful.
I need love to help me believe in miracles again...

Melancholic love song

Yesterday, while searching for some songs of Sergio Mendes, I found this lovely melancholic love song "Please Baby Don't". Such songs (like Jazzamor's "Way Back") make me feel so much in love, without anyone being the reason of it...
Here are the lyrics and you can hear a bit of it here:

Please Baby Dont (Sergio Mendes ft. John Legend)

Please Baby Don’t - Sergio Mendes
Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me
Please baby don't (baby don't)
You know my history
See honey I (honey I)
I'm just trying to warn you (let me warn you)
Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me

Don't fall in love with me

I've been cruisin down this road for a while now,
I should tell the truth...
Girl you've been so good to me but I know
I'm no good for you
You should run while you can
Find yourself a better man
'Cause I'm known for brief romance
And breakin hearts across the land

Yes I've been known to have a few temptations
Out there on the road
And let's say hypothetically I've slipped and
Took a couple home
Girl I know that's not fair
You need someone who'll be there
So just get away before it's too late
and you're pain is too much to bear

Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me
Please baby don't (baby don't)
You know my history
[ these lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]

See honey I (honey I'm)
I'm just trying to warn you (let me warn you)
Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me

(rhodes piano solo)

Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me
Please baby don't (baby don't)
You know my history
See honey I'm (honey I'm)
I'm just trying to warn you (let me warn you)
Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me

Now on second thought maybe we'll give
This love another try
'Cause I can't see you with no one else
I'm selfish I can't lie
So let's go, let's go slow
You know all you need to know
It could end one day but
Let's just say we'll see how far it goes

Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me
Please baby don't (baby don't)
You know my history
See honey I'm (honey I'm)
I'm just trying to warn you (let me warn you)
Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me

Freaky stuff

Today I received two rather freaky offers:

I was invited to go to a trans-sexual party on Saturday with a gay and some guy I do not even know

Yet, that was not all

I was offered by a gay to become a mother of his in-vitro child as soon as possible!

I am reaaaaly starting to think things are getting out of control here:)

The 100th post

Ta da da dam...the 100th post on this blog is here.
I wanted to make some kind of statistics, yet when moving to beta.blogger, somehow I lost my archives and they are unreachable now...Maybe this is for good:)
But, if I have to summarize what this blog is about...
More or less
it is 90% about my feelings, provoked by one person
80% about my AIESEC thoughts and events
20 % some other stuff
Well, maybe I should be ashamed really for being so self-centred :)
Indeed what I wanted to write about is that I am sleeping for the first time in an office (hehehe).It is not that I am so eager to work, it is just that I can't find a taxi company that is willing to provide me with a taxi in the middle of the night:)
And, walking around Sofia at 1 a.m., in a dense fog and temperature below 0... I really do not feel like that.
Besides I have to write a material "no one else has written before" on the real estate markets and the fundamental forces that drive them and the global view on the Bulgarian market.
I have a very nice and cosy sofa here, so I think I will have a little nap:) then wake up and write my "never ever written material", then go home, take a shower and come back with a huuuge smile on my face, ready to meet my boss :)
Aaaah, should i now say instead of "home sweet home" - "office, sweet office":)

When you loose faith in one of your dreams...

I had a dream.
It was called AIESEC Bulgaria.
I think I lost faith in it yestreday.
I had many hard times, went through lots of hardships, but I also had good times, great fun and great friends.The thing that hurt me the most was the ugly way politics was done by some people in the organisation.
Without any style, just ugly...
I was elected MCP, and the people that wanted to join the MC team just said - we have a different vision.Well, I guess it was harder for them to admit the truth - that they did not believe in me.That for them, it mattered to be a team of friends, not a team that anyone trusts in.
Then I found that our "leaders" had done not so beautiful stuff I couldn't classify as leadership...like hacking my e-mails. Like smiling in my face while stabbing me with a knife in the back.
Well, all forgiven and forgotten.These people will never change, and luckily...I will never change and become like them.
But what I lost yesterday was the belief that something can be changed in this organisation. The belief, that, after all, my efforts to change some mindsets were not in vain.
But mistakes were repeated.
And I just lost my faith and I decidet to close that page.
I am not blaming anyone. I know that the MC had very good intentions. The LCs as well I guess, the MCP and MC candidates too.
Yet - good intetntions are not enough to make mature choices obviously...
I wish you good luck, AIESEC Bulgaria.
You will surely need it in future.

Haven't been here for a while

Haven't posted here for a while.
I don't have time really ( which might be considered as a poor excuse for bad time-management). And when I have the desire to write...I am really piled up with work.
It's been an interesting weekend.
There was a General assembly of AIESEC in Bulgaria which lasted almost the whole day on saturday, eating up the little time I have for myself. Nevermind. It was good to be there.
Although I felt all the time that nothing has changed, it is still the same. Some people are putting efforts in doing something that others prefer to ignore. Some people are willing to change something...but it stays the same.
We are inventing new rules to "prevent us" , not trying to reach the state of mind that will need almost no rules for the work.
And one thing that is a rule - we never ever TALK.
Whatever happens.
It is so awfully sad that a great job can be spoiled by miscommunication.
It happens everywhere.
Wish I could invent a way to overcome it.
Actually coldplay have said it better:
So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk
And you feel
like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alkLet's talk, let's ta-a-alk

I met Geraldine (finally) and she is sweet (as I expected) - came under the "bad influence" of our lovely alumni Sevi and Megan. They proposed her to go around the "100 touristic sites of Bulgaria" and collect all the stamps and she thought it was somekind of cool game (she was so cute). Indeed it can be a game - a competition who will collect more of the stamps:) Sevi and Megan are seriously into it:)
Then...the Sunday is so nice...but passess so fast.
I wish I could live in an eternal Saturday for a while:)

Egoism - re-invented

I read something today about the difference between being happy and being satisfied.To be happy, it said, you need to know yourself.
And, I would add - being happy does not necessarily mean that all your desires are satisfied. It simply means that you are satisfied with who you are.
Speaking in this terms, I think I am getting back to my "being satisfied with who I am mood". I guess it is a process of overcoming my "empahy disease" that I have been having for a while.It made me think that if I cannot help someone be happier, the problem is with me. Not satisfying my need of giving love made me unhappy.
I am starting to re-invent egoism. Acho is maybe right in saying "If everyone was egoistic, the world would be a better place". I do not exactly agree.But, still - egoism is good a good thing if you need to recover from an emotional crash. Sometimes when you give too much, you need to get something back.
Surely, at this stage I would prefer to get it back from myself, not from someone else. I feel safer like that. And it is enjoyable to do it. To re-discover yourself and take pleasure in simple stuff. I have been too busy to think about other people lately.
Now I will take my time. To think of...
my mind and body
my dreams
my love
my inner world
and to enjoy the beauty of the autumn
the conversations
music
books
the smiles of the people around me.
:)
I will be closed for a while,forgive me...

I lost myself...in the summer rain

If you feel down...this song might help. At least it helps me:)

Summer Rain -U2
When you stop seeing beauty
You start growing old
The lines on your face
Are a map to your soul

When you stop taking chances
You'll stay where you sit
You won't live any longer
But it'll feel like it

I lost myself in the summer rain
I lost myself
I lost myself in the summer rain
In the summer rain

Tequila and Orange
Jamaica and rum
At the Moreilla
Honey on my tongue

In a small boat on a generous sea
You let me be your enemy
Tiny hand
With a grip on the world
Holding our breath now
Diving for pearls

I lost myself in the summer rain
I lost myself
I lost myself in the summer rain
Oh oh, oh oh

Just as you find me
Always I will be
A little bit too free
With myself

Just as you find me
Always I will be
A little bit too free
With myself

I lost myself in the summer rain
I lost myself
Now there's no one else
In the summer rain




Raining down
It's raining down
It rain

Raining now
Raining now

Just as you find me
Always I will be
A little bit too free
With myself

Just as you find me
Always I will be
A little bit too free
With myself

(Cha cha cha)
It's not why you're running
It's where you're going
It's not what you're dreaming
But what you're gonna do

It's not where you're born
It's where you belong
It's not how weak
But what will make you strong

Questions on love...

I am staying at a friend of mine in Varna.
She recently had to part with her boyfriend, whom she met while working on an ocean liner. And the boy really loves her. She made her a DVD, with the people at the ship, with his confessions.
I wish someone did this for me...
And I have some LOVE related questions:
Why is everyone so fuckin scared to love?
Why is love a synonim to having?
Do I need to concentrate my love in one person to be happy?
How do I learn to be happy without "having" someone?
I met my ex-boyfriend and it felt so cold.I am walking down the same street where I lived through so many challenges in the past years in Varna. Why do I feel melancholic about AIESEC then? I do not feel melancholic about my relationship...Have I taken it for granted?
Then...why do I feel so much for places, songs, food and drinks I shared with a person I never had a physical relationship?
Will something be changed after his lie?
What will I feel when I see him with the person he likes?Will I cry again?
And, why the hell I feel so free of my emotional burden here in Varna?
I will put them on my back again when I come home to Sofia, for sure...
If only I could...leave throw them into the sea.

my ...love?

How long has it been...
Since June 2005...when u sent me this message that you are afraid "you might be falling in love".
How many sleepless nights and how many tears...I didn't know then that I am capable of feeling so much pain. No I do. And I am thankful.
I learned a few lessons. I will remember them during my life.
I learned there are soulmates. Truly...people that you just feel a spiritual connection with. A connection that is over the physical bounderies of time and space. You may barely know them. But you never ask questions, as - it seems they are a part of you- there is a silent understanding between you, a sort of a "contract" that others cannot understand.
I learned that true love is sometimes impossible in real life. Maybe somewhere and someday, when we are stripped naked - left with our spiritual self only - we can be one. Not now, though. For this life - I know that I should let you choose your path. Not try to make you "love me" at any price. If you really love someone - set them free, there was a song i think...
Now I see that you are excited that we will meet again. But how close will you let me? Will you let me hold your hand?Or kiss you?Or ask you personal questions?Will you run away when I seem to be too close?
And why do I persist with this? Why don't I give up and search for another one...
Wish I knew...