high on love?

something strange is going on...
I feel high on love with no particular reason :)or maybe there is one.
A blissful afternoon on the balcony
Warm autumn sun
Tea and a chat with a friend
And some good music...

Thank you, Father :)

A sunrise, a shooting star, a rainbow and a sunset...
How much beauty can be in just a few hours?
How much love does someone deserve to be given?
How much pain can one cause in a lifetime, unintentionally?
How much strength do you need to forgive?
How much happiness can a heart hold?
Time is relative.
Love is absolute.
Thank you Father, for knowing again what is best for me!

free love

I read some interesting stuff in a magazine today.
When men cheat on their partners this has nothing to do with feelings. It is how they are programmed.
The female part of me wants to say "Yeah, right - good excuse as always"
The male part agrees - fair enough - we all need some change. Why not have some fun if it does not affect your priorities in your relationship.
Starting to understand more and more the concept of love a friend once shared
U can sleep with anyone you want, as long as you remain faithul to each other
Let's make it clear that this is freelove.

close the door

a heart is a room
a corridor leads there
a corridor with many doors
when your heart gets broken you close a door
sometimes more than one at a time
what does it take to get them open again?


Cheers to the Doors!


and our love becomes a funeral pyre!

from a hopeless romantic

Wondering why men need some reason to be romantic.
Maybe it is just how it is meant to be.

Someone has to have the guts and creativity to surprise me :)

I did it!

I did it.
I spat out the truth.
I made the confession.
I typed the painful words, thought over and over again during all these months.
I told you, what I did not allow myself to tell u for all that time.
As I expected - u had known it all the time.
I don't know if I feel lighter now...and I can only guess how you feel.
It is better not to know at this point.

protection.

needs no comment.
some songs just say it all.

resurrection

Some loves are not possible because of fear.
Some - because of space and time.
This one was linguistically and culturologically impossible.
Realizing this brought me closer to forgiveness.

Resurrection for the heart just before Easter.

love lost in translation

Do you think it matters for lovers to speak one and the same language?
People say that the language of love is universal.
Maybe.
But then...
How do you understand the words that I can say best in my mother tongue?
How would you read the poetry that I could write to you?
How could I understand the songs that you grew up with?
Words, are again, irrelevant.

rehab

I wanted to post this song for a long time
Every word of the lyrics falls into place...
Just a coincidence?
Or...

Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
You went, left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shot
That spun me around
And now my heart left
I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on
These cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get
For wishful thinking
I should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed

It's like I checked into rehab and
Baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab and
Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

Damn,
Ain't it crazy when you're love swept?
You'll do anything for the one you love
'Cause anytime that you needed me
I'd be there
It's like you were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way that I was using you
But now that I know, it's not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta ween myself off of you

And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame


And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on
These cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get
For wishful thinking
I should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed

Love lessons

Lesson number One: Love is the unity of two beings, in which they stand together, equal. Love, but never try to lead, modify or change. It is about accepting as it is or accepting it is not meant to be.

Lesson number Two: Love hurts. It is incredibly hard to let go and love with the pure, unconditional love that does not ask for anything in return. But if you manage to do it, you are one step closer to the Divine and to happiness.

Lesson number Three: Just when you think that you have lost your ability to love, there comes someone that you find worthy of your love.He/she comes to prove a point - do not ever loose your faith in love.

Lesson number Four: Sometimes love comes in the form of a collision. It comes to shake you out of your comfortable zone, makes you ask yourself lots of uncomfortable questions, makes you search for answers and change.

All of these are beautiful. Thank God for letting me learn them.

Lesson number Five: Let's see what it will be...

weather

i am trying not to think about u.
but I imagine u sitting somewhere
where it is snowing outside
carefully avoiding any thought about me.
clinging to your real life.
i a doing the same...

we people get so clumsy when we break something...don't u agree...

I understand.
I do not blame.
I love too much to blame.
Love is my blessing and my curse.
most of all...I want to mend this.
I want to make the most of it...as much as the socially acceptable terms would allow.
As much as u let me.
Do not be scared. I will not be a storm.
Not in your life.
But do not ask me to be a breeze as well...

making love

silently...noisily...quickly...in slow motion...in the dark...in broad daylight...on the floor...in the shower...under the stars...on the hot sand...on the dewy morning grass...late at night...instead of lunch...with our fingers...without our bodies...with the lips...tracing patterns...with our souls...beautifully...passionately...in our dreams...between two snacks...without words...with eyes closed...with our hearts open
we become one.
here.now.
everything else is irrelevant.

i want to tell you

that I want you to be the fragrance on my skin when I wake up in the morning.
that I want to be part of some small daily ritual of yours.
that I want to talk to you without stopping until we both get too tired and fall asleep.
that I want to share a hearty laugh with you.
that I want to make crepes for you.
and...so many other things I want to tell you...

Just a perfect day...

Woke at around 4 in the morning.
I could hear my soul wailing somewhere far. Metaphorically. In fact it was only the street dogs.
Suddenly I felt at peace and happy.
Woke up and decided not to wait for the others but head for Delhi straight away.
Dressed. My Bulgarian tee, the favourite green and white duparta,the hat that is not exactly mine. And the black coiled earring. Just one. As a statement...
Went to Landmark and bought a thing i love for a person I love. I love giving presents :)
Got on the bus to medical. Listening to Ostava. Started reading "Shantaram" and loved the style.
Peeped into the book of the girl sitting next to me. Maths.
I had to meet Ricardo and Pauline at Dilli Haat. Was wondering where to go, then the idea just sprang up in my mind. Of course we should go to Dilli Haat.
Waiting for them in the sunlight, jotting some names in my gift-list for home...trying not to forget someone and visualizing the meeting with these people.
Then, Ricardo and Pauline came, we strolled around Dilli Haat. Devouring the variety of colours and shapes. Scarves, wood, fabrics, leather, kites,jewelery, paper...a see of beautiful items that have caught the spirit of India. I thought of how much I will miss India when I go...
We had lunch at one of the restaurants. Huge portions we couldn't finish though I shared mine with a very fat cat and a skinny dog. Remembered how Neeraj told me how he loves the place.*Inner smile:) Remembered how I went there first with Andre and was fascinated. *Inner smile :)We moved to Sarojini market...the familiar crowd and mess, and the memories of waiting for Julie to do her last minute shopping. Pauline bargained furiously for a pair of earrings.We saw a belly-dancer costume. Remembered Pondy trip and the hilarious "dancing night" at the hotel. I really need to learn Indian dances, I made a point to myself.
Then, we headed to CP...said goodbye to the guys. Knowing I will meet them someday...somehow:)
Walked on the road where we walked together last Sunday. Remembered how beautifully confused and excited u were...Indulged in the pain of the memory. Thought about what Vesi said..."let yourself be sad". Strolled around, listening to Niyaz, thinking of the time we will spend with Vladi when I am back. Simply being happy of where I am.
Got into a Coffee Day, ordered a latte and opened Shantaram again. Observed people around as I love doing...Saw that the B8ulgarian lady - Mariana had called me.
She happened to be in CP as well...so can we meet for coffee?
Thought how much I love accidential meetings. They just make my day :)
Mariana was with her husband - the Austrian diplomat and the two kids - a 9-year old girl and 12-year old boy. Pleasant surprise that they greeted me in Bulgarian:)
Then - the excitement of speaking my mother tongue to someone I meet for the first time, but I know I connect to. Conversations about life and love and India and Delhi. Where will I live next? Cairo? Istanbul? Funny I never thought of Istanbul in this way :) Sharing pleasant moments and a sinful chocolate cake with this amazing family that has lived here and there...
I had to go back to Gurgaon...so I got into an autorick...The driver was nice. Tried to explain me where the cabs stop in Hindi. I believe I should learn a bit of Hindi. As a part of my endeavour of digging deeper into the great Indian soul:) Would be nice to talk to people just like that...
Then, I was quite anxious if I will manage to catch the right bus but luckily it came very quickly :) Sat down and had a random (but pleasant) conversation with an Indian boy. I like conversations with strangers in buses and trains :)
Just a perfect day...and the happiness of the moments is still lingering in me...

revelation

the beauty
the innocence
the freedom
the universe
life itself
in her eyes.
she is untamed.
out of this world.
all soul.
she is special
beyond words.

it is so easy to
fall in love
with her.

yet the price
is too high
and few are
willing to pay it.


some things
are not for sale.

Goodnight...

sometimes at night when sleep is avoiding me
i start thinking
where you are
if you are alone
in bed
at a party
talking
loving
eating
sometimes i want to sit down and write
but i force my heart to sleep
then i am at peace
i often wonder r u what i think u are
or u are not real
and when is it going to end this time
and when is a good time to put it into words
is there a good time at all
goodnight now
i hope u sleep well

and that's it

and that's it
you are there
i am not
not me
so tense
so wound up
so get-down-to business
i need lies
beautiful lies
i want u to lie to me that u feel different with me
that i am something for u
u will not do it
i know
even if u do
what is the point
you are there
i am here
i need to stop thinking about that
bas!

Almost single...looking for a Punjabi ;)

Reading "Almsot single" has been enough fun, yet who knew that i could be involved in a husband-hunt in real life.
Today, after a very agitated discussion over lunch my two bosses decided that I am a true Punjabi girl.
I behave like a Pujabi (understand - make dramatic gestures and wobble my head)
I talk like Punjabi
I eat like Punjabi (tandoori chicken is among my favourites, yet i have heard that Punjabi food is generally very oily)
I dress like Punjabi
Well...I really have no clue ...I had to take their word for it for the sake of everyone's entertainment.
The most funny part was when they decided to get me a registration in one of these matrimonial sites , put a picture and get me a Punjabi husband :))))
Then, I could live in a big house, have a Mercedes and a washing machine to make lassie in (i couldn't actually believe it, but it turned out that these people really use washing machines to make lassie!)
So...that's the news...I am going to wait for my filthy rich and pretty hairy Punj prince to come on a white horse...or rather a white BMW :)))

...

Under the flourescent light in the small kitchen she was having her late dinner.
Leaning towards the wall, she gently held the small orange plastic bowl.
Slowly, as if conscious of being watched, she scooped some thick youghurt and carefully put the spoon in her mouth.
An almost invisible smile playing on her lips, she carefully cleaned the spoon with the tip of her tongue. Then ventured for another one.
The cornflake pieces delightfully crispy between the teeth. The raisins - thick and succulent.
She was wondering how would it feel to...

Tonight...

Too much sex yet too little erotica...
So sad :(

Candy shop

He was so cute.
Like a kid in a candy shop.
Too many sweets, and no idea what to choose...

Give me a reason to ...

I'm so tired, of playing
Playing with this bow and arrow
Gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For I've been a temptress too long

Just. .

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be ee, a woman
I just wanna be a woman

From this time, unchained
We're all looking at a different picture
Thru this new frame of mind
A thousand flowers could bloom
Move over, and give us some room

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be ee, a woman
I just wanna be a woman

Meet Danny Ocean :)

Robert Downey Jr.

Brian Molko - my taste for androdynous men

Now you see - I am crazy :)

The sweetest thing :)

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