This is my world online. A place to share my thoughts and feelings...A place for you to get a glimpse in my inner world:)
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Perfume - the story of...
I remember being pretty impressed by the movie "Perfume - the story of a murder". Today I had the chance to create a unique perfume myself by blending various essences. Musk and jasmine. Vanilla and cardamom. Moss and grass. Citrus and flower. Some strong, heavy, earth smells. Some light, airy and fleeting like a summer breeze. Some fresh and crisp like the dew on a spring morning. Others - spicy, fiery. I learned something very interesting - when u are trying lots of perfumes, to get rid of the scent, you need to smell some coffee beans. And then, such an exciting, invigorating and intimate experience. Combined with some chocolate fondue and white wine...and of course good company...it was a pure pleasure for the senses.
It has been almost a year since I left Delhi. The city I fell in love with, but could not love properly. There was a distance between us. Not only the physical distance of kilometers, but also a gap of not-belogingness. Often I wonder if it would be a bit different if I did live in Delhi itself, not in Gurgaon. Or maybe if I was braver to venture beyond the well-trodden touristic parts of the city. Did I need a local guy as a guide? Could I get one without being entangled in a dramtic love-story? Questions remain. I know I will be back. In the meantime, I discovered this amazing photo blog - The Delhi Walla - I love it! Mayank Austen Soofi tells me stories of places undicovered, of stories unheard, of characters unmet. And of course, one more proof that the Law of Attraction works - I started reading a book, called Burnt Shadows by Kamila Shamzie. (A story of a Japanese girl that survives the nuclear bomb in Nagasaki, moves to Delhi at the time of the Independence and partitition.) In the book, there is the separation of the Old Delhi (Mughal one) and the New Delhi (the British one). Old Delhi is Dili, the city of heart. The lost home. A part of my heart is also longing to come back to this secret, lost, out-of-time part of the city...As if, I had been there another time, in different circumstances. You know the feeling, don't u?
something strange is going on... I feel high on love with no particular reason :)or maybe there is one. A blissful afternoon on the balcony Warm autumn sun Tea and a chat with a friend And some good music...
sitting in the park today with a book, trying to catch the last bits of sun listening to Summertime thinking how fast the summer went as always yet not regretting it is gone!just enjoying the aftertaste of it. the warmth of the light on my face and the love in Ella's voice the smooth narration of the book and the people passing by then, something happened as if time and space expanded and the world shrank into me and i could feel it contained within myself Is this God? I dunno...But it felt so right and natural :) And yes...God bless talented people that inspire me lately. Macy Gray for example...her cover of Creep just gives me the shivers!It is so beautiful. Sad, but the kind of aesthetical sadness.
Alanis Morisette has that Lyrics in "Ironic" : "Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you When you think everything's okay and everything's going right And life has a funny way of helping you out when You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up In your face"
This week I had a proof of that. I was all in that happy positive blue-sky-no-clouds mood, loving everyone and being generally happy. When I recieved some not-really good news - that I need to give money. A sum I cannot afford at the moment. So suddenly - everything came crushing down, clouds start gathering, i become gloomy and worried etc. It is really amazing how worrying - in most cases - unnecessarily about some things can really change our whole perception of life. It is so human to concentrate on some daily hiccups that we meet on our path...and so stupid really, cause in most of the cases - solution can be found... Anyways...as I was walking in the centre of Sofia, all looking down and engulfed in my own black thoughs, suddenly a girl stops me at the traffic light. "Hi Sve", she says. I look at her - What the...I don't know who she is! She sees my bewliderment. "Yeah, we do not know each other", confirms the girl. "But I read your blog and I find it nice". Do you believe me this very moment made my day? Like, just when I thought that - whenever u are down - something really nice shows up as if to say "Hey, life is beautiful...don't forget it". And...it is in general. I flew paper-lanterns for the first time. The event that I was organizing went well, people were happy :)Me - even happier. There was so much positive energy around it. I spoke to Anca and Stef - closest friends and colleagues from India. And for a thousandth time thanked God I did not return there at that time. And today - we spent some quality time lazying around, cooking, drinking wine and purring in the sun with the girls from work. It is really a blessing to have such amazing people around me.
I love the unpredictability of life. It is just so amazing! In the past week so many wonderful things have happened to me out of the blue... going to the seaside having a very strange chat/video conversation charged with loads of smiles and love lying on the grass in front of school, watching the sun set behind vitosha being invited to some magic lantern evening and to lazy sauna saturday and to a walk in the park with a magical couple :) And the big event on Friday looks good...
I am all vibrating with excitement, love and gratitude... and can't stop myself from smiling :)
I am so excited about my job as I have not been since my days in AIESEC! We are doing a fair with service organizations that are going to present their work in front of our kids. There is so much creative energy and love that buzz around that it is bound to be a success! And I can feel the people smiling on the other side of the phone while talking to them. The snowball of goodwill keeps rolling and rolling and gets bigger and bigger :) Hope we can make a difference to some lives!
A sunrise, a shooting star, a rainbow and a sunset... How much beauty can be in just a few hours? How much love does someone deserve to be given? How much pain can one cause in a lifetime, unintentionally? How much strength do you need to forgive? How much happiness can a heart hold? Time is relative. Love is absolute. Thank you Father, for knowing again what is best for me!
I read some interesting stuff in a magazine today. When men cheat on their partners this has nothing to do with feelings. It is how they are programmed. The female part of me wants to say "Yeah, right - good excuse as always" The male part agrees - fair enough - we all need some change. Why not have some fun if it does not affect your priorities in your relationship. Starting to understand more and more the concept of love a friend once shared U can sleep with anyone you want, as long as you remain faithul to each other Let's make it clear that this is freelove.
a heart is a room a corridor leads there a corridor with many doors when your heart gets broken you close a door sometimes more than one at a time what does it take to get them open again?
Sometimes a single line written by someone close can make you happier than thousand words.The simplicity and sincerity of it makes me love him so much! Sometimes...you just need to make some space. Clean and rearange the closet. To let new experiences in.
I made it out of the darkness again. I carefully wrapped the memories and images and put them in a drawer to be used later on for my supposed-to-be-written book. You need to distance yourself from personages and places you are writing about.
Now there is only light and happiness. Happiness is here and now. The past had to happen that way, not any other. The future - it will come in the best way possible. But the precious gem to hold in my hand is NOW. To be healthy and young, free,inspired and loving. Thank you for all those amazing gifts!
Summer has come and with it - the need to listen to "light" music that makes my head airy :) I catch muself more and more often just giving into the music and not thinking of anything else at all (which happens very rarely to me. It is so nice... Something mysrerious is happening - last week wherever I entered, I was chased by the Jai Ho! song from Slumdog Millionaire. Seems even after I let go of India, it is still after me :) (There is something utterly conforting in accepting that something is a part of you beyond a lifetime) *** Anyways... I am starting a new job, back in Sofia.Challenging and meaningful :) Excited about some projects of my own I want to launch. Lots of books to read, some tentative travel plans. (Would love to check out Serbia, Romania and Istanbul and why not Greece in the nearest future :)) In any case - this summer promises to be at least as exciting as the last two ones ;) And I will plunge in it!
Why do always the most beautiful souls find love so hard?
question asked - answer given
"Because they just LOVE in another way, like level up. They can sacrifice themselves but not Love principles. They call with the word Love only the Love itself and nothing else. They love because they do - not because they need to. That is why."
i dunno if it is the wrong or the right answer I just know that you were my saviour when I had lost hope now it is my turn to be yours and that what goes around really does come around
Sitting with a friend at a wonderfully romantic patio cafeteria in the centre of Sofia i got the moral of the story uttered from her mouth. "It is amazing how many lives are ruined just because some words are not said when they had to be said". True. We stick to silence when words can mean a ground-shaking change in our lives. When we get the guts to use the words finally, they usually hang in to the air - deprived of their power, lost their charm and empty. Nothing more sad than words uttered not on time. But then, she also said: "Whatever could have happened is better to be left behind. Everything else is a melodrama". And that two sentences made the end of the story. A perfecly round and neat foolstop from which a whole new world is drawn.
men are smiles. nothing less, nothing more. a huge, Prabaker grin (now, do not ask me who Prabaker is!) a purring tom-cat's smile the funny-sad clown-face with the sun-shining eyes of someone i have seen only twice (and once in a dream, but it doesn't count)
stop chasing dreams, will ya? start chasing men, not smiles!
I did it. I spat out the truth. I made the confession. I typed the painful words, thought over and over again during all these months. I told you, what I did not allow myself to tell u for all that time. As I expected - u had known it all the time. I don't know if I feel lighter now...and I can only guess how you feel. It is better not to know at this point.
Some loves are not possible because of fear. Some - because of space and time. This one was linguistically and culturologically impossible. Realizing this brought me closer to forgiveness.
Do you think it matters for lovers to speak one and the same language? People say that the language of love is universal. Maybe. But then... How do you understand the words that I can say best in my mother tongue? How would you read the poetry that I could write to you? How could I understand the songs that you grew up with? Words, are again, irrelevant.
...as Dexter would say :) I was totally freaked out two days back when a doctor told me that I might "have to undergo surgery". Thank God,it was a false alarm...:) Yes, I am healthy and I will not let any doctor claim the opposite! These people feel as if obliged to tell ya there is something wrong with your health. As if, you will feel bad, if they don't find anything wrong... Also, I might be reaching the end of my so-very-long-visa-waiting process. Hope it happens soon and I manage to go back to India in 10days :) Yupee! I have been incredibly calm end relaxed these days. Maybe it is the spring :) And...another proof was given of the "Law of attraction". Twin-souls always "feel" each other, no matter where they are. As a body everyone is single, as a soul never.
two knights live in her heart the dark one brings tears in her eyes every time makes her wake up at night and fear the light one makes her smile love life and live, after all and above all who is the one to win over her heart? and what happens to the defeated one?
I wanted to post this song for a long time Every word of the lyrics falls into place... Just a coincidence? Or...
Baby, baby When we first met I never felt something so strong You were like my lover And my best friend All wrapped into one With a ribbon on it And all of a sudden You went, left I didn't know how to follow It's like a shot That spun me around And now my heart left I feel so empty and hollow
And I'll never give myself to another The way I gave it to you Don't even recognize The ways you hurt me Do you? It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back And you're the one to blame
And now I feel like, oh You're the reason Why I'm thinking I don't wanna smoke on These cigarettes no more I guess that's what I get For wishful thinking I should've never let you enter my door Next time you wanna go on and leave I should just let you go on and do it Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab and Baby, you're my disease It's like I checked into rehab and Baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab 'Cause baby you're my disease I gotta check into rehab 'Cause baby you're my disease
Damn, Ain't it crazy when you're love swept? You'll do anything for the one you love 'Cause anytime that you needed me I'd be there It's like you were my favorite drug The only problem is That you was using me In a different way that I was using you But now that I know, it's not meant to be You gotta go, I gotta ween myself off of you
And I'll never give myself to another The way I gave it to you Don't even recognize The ways you hurt me Do you? It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back And you're the one to blame
And now I feel like, oh You're the reason Why I'm thinking I don't wanna smoke on These cigarettes no more I guess that's what I get For wishful thinking I should've never let you enter my door Next time you wanna go on and leave I should just let you go on and do it Cause now I'm using like I bleed
home alone. time to spoil myself with some nice things like... hot, coffee flavoured bath listening loud to Buena Vista Social Club on the gramophone a glass of white wine two-three spoonfulls of Nutella and the latest translated in Bulgarian novel by Michael Cunningham - "Flesh and Blood"
inspiring day(I think I told u, there is something in the date of 23rd) :) slumdog millionaire, controversial as it is, won 8 oscars an indian friend invited me to a wedding i am so happy for her and excited to think this is a good reason to buy a new saree, and learn to put it finally :) i might be getting my visa and flying to delhi in a week i had an amazing talk with the most unexpected person on the essence of happiness and how to find it in life outside work and how doing the things we love attracts the right people in our lives i had a lovely chat with a treasured friend. totally random, yet free and cheerful after a long time of some tension hanging in the air. ideas forming in my head. plans for trips buzzing. i think i need to get down to execution :)
when S. said that once back home, people will want to meet me, as I will bring them some light and love I did not believe. she was actually right. i watched a lovely Bulgarian movie today...the first positive Bulgarian movie I have seen in years it made me feel happy that I am born at the Balkans, on this crossroad where people are complicated, troubled, but still...fighting through life in a beautiful way. i am thinking... happiness is loving life with all its bad and grey days ups and downs smiles and tears fighting every day, every hour searching for answers believing that people are good forgiving living simple
happy V-day everyone...wish more people would celebrate love not only on 14th Feb, but also on the other 364 days of the year :)
- I do not want to stay in India. I can't. I am not really free there. How can I be happy if I cannot be myself... - Then...why do you want to come back? - To search for beauty, inspiration,love, wisdom...To learn.
Sometimes the paths we need to go are longer. But they always lead us to where we should go.
Just finished watching Deepa Mehta's "Fire". True, painful and beautiful movie. There is one line that Radha says when parting with her husband... There is no life without desire.
To what extent should we control our desires, if burying them means trying to lie to ourselves? Is it better to live with a heavy heart or with a broken heart? What is more important - desire or devotion? Is desire justified by love?
I want to believe I have my answers to some of these questions...
Moving in the black and yellow Ambassador around the evening streets of Delhi. Saying 'goodbye' for a while...God knows how long the while will be. I will miss the place. Although it is dirty and crowded with human bodies. With sorrows and struggles. I have started loving it. One year in India has gone by so quickly, yet it is so full of intense experiences that, when I turn back, I cannot see anything negative. I see faces of people that have grown dear to my heart and that I will always remember and mention in my silent prayers, even if I never see them again. I see lots of love given and recieved.Lots of valuable lessons learned... Maybe this is the reason that I have the sun smiling in my eyes lately...
Recently I met someone, in fact Exupéry's Little Prince in reality...An amazing boy who always has this beautiful smile on his face...and he told me something very simple and beautiful. He said:
If you want to be happy take some time every day to count your blessings.
So today I had so many reasons to feel blessed. A surprise call from a close friend made me smile for a good 3 minutes while on the phone. It is amazing what significant role cheese and olives play in our lives :) I had lunch with the team. How didn't I realize before how delicious Indian food is...daal, Kashmiri rice, aloo gobi, tandoori aloo and rotis. It was amazing to have this food. With these 4 people.
It was about love and being thankful for what I am and what I have. And about prayer.
I pray that the people I love are healthy, safe and at least as blessed as I am! And in case u do not believe in prayers, I can assure you - prayers DO work! Once an Angel told me that :)
it is just the moment before you jump when you are scared from the water yet welcoming, expecting its cold embrace you want to feel its powerful fingers grip your limbs and the tender touch of a warm current caress your skin it's the first time the comeback the plunge from one world to the other the clash of civilizations the life before that never equals the life after places change people change you change life is change it is just the moment before you jump the essence of existence on the tip of a moment exciting exhilirating pulsating everything poised on the line of balance your whole being is expecting the jump but you are not in a hurry you are here now vibrating with the heartbeat of the Universe with a heart full of sun rays and hope shining in the curls of your hair you know that you are not the best swimmer but you trust the water and you love the water it will never let you down.
Lesson number One: Love is the unity of two beings, in which they stand together, equal. Love, but never try to lead, modify or change. It is about accepting as it is or accepting it is not meant to be.
Lesson number Two: Love hurts. It is incredibly hard to let go and love with the pure, unconditional love that does not ask for anything in return. But if you manage to do it, you are one step closer to the Divine and to happiness.
Lesson number Three: Just when you think that you have lost your ability to love, there comes someone that you find worthy of your love.He/she comes to prove a point - do not ever loose your faith in love.
Lesson number Four: Sometimes love comes in the form of a collision. It comes to shake you out of your comfortable zone, makes you ask yourself lots of uncomfortable questions, makes you search for answers and change.
All of these are beautiful. Thank God for letting me learn them.
She exists in two parallel words... The world "here and now", the what people call "material world" is just a temporary stop. With little bridges to the real world beyond, the world of the eternal soul. A Saturday afternoon in the misty Lodi gardens, around tombs with smeared outlines and mosques that someone has woven poetry into. Meaningful solitude. Cosmic music. Sensual pleasures that pull u out of the mundane and place u in the whirlpool of very personal, yet very universal emotions. The feeling of closeness beyond physical presence. She is sometimes so bored by the "here and now"... Thank God for the real world!
I would like to thank God for this year, cause it has been, truly, one of the most amazing years of my life. I saw and experienced so much beauty in every form of it - in places, in people, in music, in colours,in tastes, in aromas, in moments. I discovered that I am capable of loving again. And suffering the pain of love. I learned lessons about the world, about life, about love and myself. I was up and down, I laughed loud and cried so hard as if my soul was torn apart. I made stupid, painful mistakes. I forgave people, and loved them, despite circumstances. I hoped and I prayed. I may be got a step closer to the Divine self... Thank you, God, for bringing all this my way. In the new year, I wish for good health for me and my closest people. I wish to find the stregth in me to be a better person. I wish to find the inspiration to create beauty around me and inspire smiles on people's faces. I wish to always find a good word to say to warm a heart. I wish to find the love for life and for people and the excitement of meeting every new day with a smile and new hope:) Happy New Year to everyone!
i am trying not to think about u. but I imagine u sitting somewhere where it is snowing outside carefully avoiding any thought about me. clinging to your real life. i a doing the same...
we people get so clumsy when we break something...don't u agree...
I understand. I do not blame. I love too much to blame. Love is my blessing and my curse. most of all...I want to mend this. I want to make the most of it...as much as the socially acceptable terms would allow. As much as u let me. Do not be scared. I will not be a storm. Not in your life. But do not ask me to be a breeze as well...
silently...noisily...quickly...in slow motion...in the dark...in broad daylight...on the floor...in the shower...under the stars...on the hot sand...on the dewy morning grass...late at night...instead of lunch...with our fingers...without our bodies...with the lips...tracing patterns...with our souls...beautifully...passionately...in our dreams...between two snacks...without words...with eyes closed...with our hearts open we become one. here.now. everything else is irrelevant.
that I want you to be the fragrance on my skin when I wake up in the morning. that I want to be part of some small daily ritual of yours. that I want to talk to you without stopping until we both get too tired and fall asleep. that I want to share a hearty laugh with you. that I want to make crepes for you. and...so many other things I want to tell you...
to love even if u know it does you no good to not be able to sleep at night thinking where u go wrong to remain true to who u are to face the fear of being alone to give a piece of your heart to the ones you love and still have some left to be good to people although they do not deserve it to forgive their weaknesses to believe in beauty to smile when you do not feel like it to talk to the fairies in your sleep to be happy with who you are and grateful of the people that are in your life
sometimes at night when sleep is avoiding me i start thinking where you are if you are alone in bed at a party talking loving eating sometimes i want to sit down and write but i force my heart to sleep then i am at peace i often wonder r u what i think u are or u are not real and when is it going to end this time and when is a good time to put it into words is there a good time at all goodnight now i hope u sleep well
Ok...this is what happened to me in the last week... On Saturday I was a model, ramp-walking in front of all Alcatel-Lucent in NCR employees and their families (around 2500 ppl). Being groomed, dressed up etc etc. It was so much fun!:) I had late conversations with what i believe is a God-sent ambassador. He saved me from ruining the happiness of someone that means a lot to me.Made me realize once again how hard it is to really love. And how far I can go for love... Emo, my ex-team mate from the Bulgarian MC called in and we met and chatted for this and that. People we know and their lives around the world. Our own amazing lives...Feels good to meet someone that u have shared so much with in the past :) I had a wild Friday night out with some colleagues. Almost went to extremes...I needed that! Today I met Alcatel-Lucent global CEO - Ben Vervyaawen. Very energetic and charismatic man! Had breakfast with his wife who is so nice :)No star-attitude, very pleasant to talk to... I also made a decision to move to Delhi. Try to shift my social circle a bit. A friend of a friend from Bulgaria called. She is gonna live in Delhi for the next 4 years. And she seems quite a nice person. So exciting I am going to have someone that speaks my language here :) All in all...pretty amazing :) Now what is left - to get peace of mind...seems to hard at the current state of affairs. I am more and more learning how to use mind control over feelings...Let's see how long I will manage...
she is the one capable of loving till reaching the painful edge she would not settle down for small bits of u she wants u all to taste u to devour u to indulge in u she wouldn't sleep, thinking about the things u could do together she would send u those tiny signs that only u can read if u decide to tune into her frequency she would observe your every move, analyize your every word, notice the small imperfections of your body a birth mark here a strange earlobe she could make u very happy she could make u cry she could make u love her u will hate her as well she would go that extra mile for u if u just let her yet she knows it is not going to happen cause u have your happiness outlined and she loves u too much to steer u away from it...
I do not believe in happiness as a constanta... Happiness is a fleeting sensation. You need a great skill to make it a state of mind. Every day when I stop to think I realize how blessed I am to have what I have. I realize that I have been to places for which people only dream about. I am hanging aroud with a vibrant young crowd of amazing people from across the world. Maybe I am a bit careless - not worrying too much about the future, not hurrying up the career ladder, not searching for the one to build a family with...not even sure what I want to do for a living. Yet someone said - it is not important how you will feel in future, but how u feel now. Live for the moment! The picture above is from the Indian ocean coast. Spent 3 days there with a bunch of very cool people.Some of them I might not meet again. But the happiness that I felt will linger on :) When I turn back and explore these 9 last months in India...I see a string of such beads of happiness...And a circle of people, spread around the world that I know will always treasure and share this beads of happiness with me. Thank you for being a part of my life!
This is officially our new favourite song. Anca's and mine that is... Enjoy :)
How I wish you could see the potential The potential of you and me It's like a book elegantly bound But in a language you can't read just yet
You got to spend some time, love You got to spend some time with me And I know that you'll find love I will possess your heart
You got to spend some time, love You got to spend some time with me And I know that you'll find love I will possess your heart
There are days when outside your window I see my reflection as I slowly pass And I long for this mirrored perspective When we'll be lovers, lovers at last
You got to spend some time, love You got to spend some time with me And I know that you'll find love I will possess your heart
You got to spend some time, love You got to spend some time with me And I know that you'll find love I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart I will possess your heart
You reject my advances and desperate pleas I won't let you let me down so easily So easily
You got to spend some time, love You got to spend some time with me And I know that you'll find love I will possess your heart
You got to spend some time, love You got to spend some time with me And I know that you'll find love I will possess your heart
You got to spend some time, love You got to spend some time with me And I know that you'll find love I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart I will possess your heart
the succulent red drops the taste...not very sweet, but so fresh i somehow think pomegranate would be as good ingredient for cooking as it is for love any good recipe anyone?
and that's it you are there i am not not me so tense so wound up so get-down-to business i need lies beautiful lies i want u to lie to me that u feel different with me that i am something for u u will not do it i know even if u do what is the point you are there i am here i need to stop thinking about that bas!
I have been writing a lot about love in this blog lately... I just don't understand why people take it so literally when u talk about love. It spreads so much further than being in a relationship. Maybe the word has lost its meaning of so frequent usage...Every moment millions say "I love you" without even meaning it.But what does "Love" mean anyways?I do not know. Or rather...I only know one of its faces. Here is a song for you:
Will those feet in modern times Walk on soles that are made in China? Feel the bright prosaic malls In the corridors that go on and on and on
Are we blind - can we see? We are one - incomplete Are we blind - In the shade Waiting for lightning - to be saved Cause love is noise and love is pain Love is these blues that I’m singing again Love is noise and love is pain Love is these blues that I’m singing again, again, again
Will those feet in modern times Understand this world’s affliction Recognise the righteous anger Understand this world’s addiction
I was blind - couldn’t see What was here in me I was blind - insecure I felt like the road was way too long, yeah Cause love is noise and love is pain Love is these blues that I’m feeling again Love is noise and love is pain Love is these blues that I’m feeling again Love is noise, love is pain Love is these blues that I’m singing again Love is noise, love is pain Love is these blues that I’m singing again, again, again, again, again, again
Cause love is noise, love is pain Love is these blues that I’m feeling again Love is noise, love is pain Love is these blues that I’m feeling again Love is noise, love is pain Love is these blues that I’m feeling again Love is noise, love is pain Love is these blues that I’m feeling again Come on, come on, ah come on, ah come on Now come on, now come on, now come on Now come on
Will those feet in modern times Walk on soles made in China? Will those feet in modern times See the bright prosaic malls? Will those feet in modern times Forgive me all my sins Love is noise Come on
the sky was low today i was waiting for a storm that never came tired of the thick, tense air almost feeling the solitude sticking to my skin missing people feeling distant not a part of the puzzle or part of a different puzzle feeling that love is more evasive than ever i so much need a God's sign these days but i am probably too shortsighted to find it in little everyday things but as it is said in one of my favourite songs "it's a new dawn, it's a new day and i'm feeling good" let's see what the new dawn brings :)
it has been raining restlessly for the past almost 20 hours it's like livin in an underwater world the only thing that i am thinking of the whole day is a nice, cosy place a cup of thick hot chocolate and long easy-going conversation about life with someone i have just discovered tomorrow we are all going to this amazing Mocha place - i fell in love even before i have stepped in the whole melancholic mood of this week that went down the drain like a dream makes me think of an ella fitzdjerald song that boris had given me.
Everytime we say goodbye, I die a little, Everytime we say goodbye, I wonder why a little, Why the Gods above me, who must be in the know. Think so little of me, they allow you to go. When you're near, there's such an air of spring about it, I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it, There's no love song finer, but how strange the change from major to minor, Everytime we say goodbye.
When you're near, there's such an air of spring about it, I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it, There's no love song finer, but how strange the change from major to minor, Everytime we say goodbye
Kiss me goodnight... long enough... i will guide you out of this world. take my hand and play with my fingers. as long as I want to...or long enough...you will know. kiss my fingertips one by one touch my palms with your lips let me feel your warm breath going up my arms...caressing my shoulders...moving my untidy hair stop and linger for a while let me look in your smiling eyes smile close your eyes we are so close that your face is almost touching mine stay like this for a while keep your eyes closed then slowly...as if hesitating find my lips cover them with tiny tiny kisses then bite them .....use your imagination to wish me "sweet dreams" Good night my dear.
On a Saturday morning, a list of 45 things that really make u happy...
1. Falling in love. 2. Laughing so hard your face hurts. 3. A hot shower. 4. No lines at the supermarket. 5. A special glance. 6. Getting mail. 7. Taking a drive on a pretty road. 8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. 9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. 10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer. 11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry). 12. A bubble bath. 13. Giggling. 14. A good conversation. 15 The beach 16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter. 17. Laughing at yourself. 18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they LOVE you 19 Midnight phone calls that last for hours. 20. Running through sprinklers. 21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. 22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. 23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS 25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. 26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. 27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner). 28. Makiig new friends or spending time with old ones. 30. Having someone play with your hair. 31. Sweet dreams. 32. Hot chocolate. 33. Road trip with friends. 34. Swinging on swings. 35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger. 36. Making chocolate chip cookies. 37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies. 38. Holding hands with someone you care about. 39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change. 40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you. 41. Watching the sunrise. 42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day. 43. Knowing that somebody misses you. 44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply. 45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
Darkness ocassionally broken by soft lightning. Clouds with silver lining. Gentle wind playing with my hair. Making breathing (and probably living) possible. I am listening to this. Thinking...or feeling... I am just like that...
asking nasty questions building castles in the sky being cruel and sarcastic blaming myself feeling too much
My curse is to be distant. Detached, separated and ever-evasive.
loving beautiful things sometimes can hurt. but can't pain be beautiful?
...I am so tired... But a man has to do what a man has to do.
A lot of friends are leaving these days. Closer friends, or just people that I like. People that have become a part of my life in a way. Torill...Nata...Isabel... soon Neeraj...Francois...Henk...Julie...Peter...Burcu...Jenny... Our "home" in Gurgaon is constantly changing, and I am trying to keep a stiff upper lip, cause if I start to cry about everyone who is leaving, the monsoon will look like a drizzle. So many people leaving made me think about all my friends I have around the world. And brings back so many sweet memories, but also raises the question... Will I be able to spend quality time with these people again? How much have we changed? Will I be able to call them friends? It will never be the same again... But why does it have to be the same? You tought me one important lesson - live for the moment and cherish every single second you have spent with the people you love. Now this lesson is back to remind me I should learn to let go. Neeraj said something really beautiful:"I want to be happy and to be sad, to enjoy every minute of the happiness and sadness, cause only then I will know I have lived" We meet people for a reason...maybe this is the answer to a long-posted question.
I am falling in love...almost every day... With peoples' smiles. I love the smile of the Barista boy in the morning - makes the coffee taste even better:) I love latin smiles - so big and full of happiness...as if life is...just a game:) I love children smiles. I love ordinary people, everyday smiles. I love smiling eyes. I love big grins and tiny, shy smiles. And if you SMILE while reading this post, I will be more than happy :) Seems happiness is not so hard to get...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . a youth she's content to leave behind.... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .. a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... a feeling of control over her destiny... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to fall in love without losing herself.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. . whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table.. or a charming Inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. What she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...
Today was one of the happiest days of my life. I received so much pure, unconditional love that I feel extremely elevated, and the world bursts out in amazing bright colours. What happened? We had a volunteer initiative in Alcatel-Lucent - we brought 70 children from the slums to an amusement/water park. I was responsible for those two beauties - Monica and Radha:) So we were chasing around, going on marry-go-rounds, climbing ropes and throwing balls at each other. Then there was the pool. Splashing water, jumping in it, playing wildly... I was the first among the adults to get inside. And when one of the guys said that he got inspired by me to jump and play with the kids...it sounded so nice. I felt a bit sad that I could not answer when "my children" were excitedly pulling me and shouting something in Hindi. But one thing i knew without having to use any language. They were happy. They loved me. I loved back. What more do I need to be happy?
...simple things. Long conversations over a huge cup of Mocca with a German girl that I didn't know a month ago (Thanks Kat:)) Hearty laughs over the stories of a Spanish guy I just met. Driving back home on a bike. Writing an e-mail to my friends on the balcony, with the wind blowing. My new set of bangles. The challenges at work. Having spent 1500 Rs on books (Lonely planet guide on India and Love in the time of cholera). The anticipation of reading Khaled Houseini's "A thousand splendid suns". Not knowing what will happen to me in one year and still being sure I have so many oportunities. Having seen Jodha Akbar- a naive 3-hour long love story, I didn't understand any conversation in, as it was all in Hindi. Learning something new every day. It is so simple and beautiful. Then...why do we go and make it complicated.
This is one wonderful LOVE song for saying "Goodnight". And dreaming that I meet a guy like Robert Downey Jr...aaah Sweet dreams:) I just couldn't resist to post the lyrics as well. Goodnight lovers:) Goodnight dreamers:)
I want love, but it's impossible A man like me, so irresponsible A man like me is dead in places Other men feel liberated
I can't love, shot full of holes Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold Don't feel nothing, just old scars Toughening up around my heart
But I want love, just a different kind I want love, won't break me down Won't brick me up, won't fence me in I want a love, that don't mean a thing That's the love I want, I want love
I want love on my own terms After everything I've ever learned Me, I carry too much baggage Oh man I've seen so much traffic
So bring it on, I've been bruised Don't give me love that's clean and smooth I'm ready for the rougher stuff No sweet romance, I've had enough
Since I watched "Notes on a scandal" I have been thinking that it is not right to judge people for being cruel. I think I cannot judge Barbara for being so cruel, since she never understood what it is to be loved. I cannot judge people around me for being malicious - it is their way to survive, to hide from the others that they are actually as fragile as we all are. I even cannot judge myself for the contempt I feel towards the person I loved just a few months ago.
...but I'm winning" Keiser Cheifs sing in one of their songs. Which just reminded me of one favourite "love" songe of mine lately. It reminds me of love that never happened Love in Paris Love on the road Love in a caravane Gypsy love Freedom... L'amour fou...
...as I hate all the "marketing" and "artificial" ways people "celebrate" love on the 14th of February ...as I am sick of pink, hearts, sugar and teddy bears ...as noone will giv me a present for this day ...as I am quite doubtful about the existence of love I decided to make myself this present. Candles. Simple. Beautiful. Burning. Like hope and desire.
